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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I did nothing wrong here?

59 replies

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 12:40

I have posted on the same topic before anyone jumps in...
In my old job I had a rough time. Other colleagues were being very unpleasant towards me. One colleague though, really stuck by me and was very supportive. When I left, I felt we would stay in touch.
She was acting fairly strange in the lead up to me going however. For example, one morning I greeted her at the door and she was fine. I was then chatting to other colleagues and she sort of moved away from us all and seemed really down and a bit off with me. I messaged her saying she could come to my home for a visit after I had left the job. She did but there was a mix up and unfortunately I was not at home. I told her to come back later that day but she said she couldn't. We kind of lost contact then until I bumped into her in town and said again that she should come for a visit but she didn't seem that keen.
Again, Didn't hear from her for a while until she texted me asking if I would like some books that a friend of hers was giving away. I didn't but enquired after her wellbeing. She has some chronic health issues and said she was struggling and not able to work much at the moment. I said I would keep her in prayer. That was a few months ago and I haven't initiated contact since. A friend through my church asked how she was ( I have spoken about her with them previously ) and I admitted that I didn't actually know and she said 'Don't you think as a good friend and Christian that you should have seen how she is?' Yet I feel like the friendship has run it's course and not everyone is meant to stay in your life.
I do have new colleagues who have turned into friends now but does this really make me so awful ?

OP posts:
MrsSucculent · 29/07/2024 12:43

Christians are some of the most judgey people I know.

The friendship has run its course and that’s fine. I would probably drop a message saying
I’m sorry we have lost touch but I’ll always be here if you need a friend. Etc

Lmnop22 · 29/07/2024 12:44

You can’t stay in touch with everyone you’re ever friendly with in life and, it’s a shame, but friendships fizzle out sometimes.

Its also not all on you to keep in touch and she hasn’t kept in touch either.

If you want to continue the friendship, reach out again and said “x mentioned you at church and I wanted to reach out and see how you were” or something. If you don’t really want to continue the friendship, then don’t. There’s no shame in that either.

opalescented · 29/07/2024 12:46

A friend through my church asked how she was ( I have spoken about her with them previously ) and I admitted that I didn't actually know and she said 'Don't you think as a good friend and Christian that you should have seen how she is? I hate loaded questions like that I'd lose that friend

FionnulaTheCooler · 29/07/2024 12:48

I would have been annoyed at you about the being invited over and you not being there, if she has chronic health issues it might have taken her a lot of effort to get ready for coming over just to be let down. Maybe the friendship has run its course in general though.

Sparklfairy · 29/07/2024 12:52

It's probably the way you've worded it but it doesn't seem like you were giving much to the friendship? Why was she doing all the running to visit you? Did you not touch base with a text now and then and ask her about her health issues?

Just my take (only from the info in your OP) but it reads a bit like she was really supportive of you at work and was sad about you leaving. Then you've left, invited her over but you weren't there, and then didn't make much effort after that. She has her own problems but it doesn't sound like you've taken much interest in those.

If I'm completely off base I'm sorry!

HowToSaveAWife · 29/07/2024 12:56

'Don't you think as a good friend and Christian that you should have seen how she is?'

No, checking in on someone just to stay good with your god isn't being a good Christian. It's a self serving act.

Stay in touch if you want, or don't. It's not that deep.

ZekeZeke · 29/07/2024 13:00

The friendship has run it's course, dint give it anymore head space.

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 13:00

My house is near the workplace so it made sense for her to come to me.

OP posts:
CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 13:01

The lady at church just made me feel like I had used this colleague for my own gains.

OP posts:
Crimblecrumble1990 · 29/07/2024 13:05

I read it the same way as @Sparklfairy.

She sounded like a very decent friend to you and you left her in the dust when you moved on.

Maybe the relationship has run its course and fizzled out but it definitely sounds like that's because of you as opposed to being a mutual thing.

KreedKafer · 29/07/2024 13:05

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 13:01

The lady at church just made me feel like I had used this colleague for my own gains.

The lady at church is a twat. Ignore her. You’ve done nothing wrong.

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 13:08

I tried inviting her to my home again but she did not want to. There surely wasn't much else I could do?

OP posts:
Notreat · 29/07/2024 13:09

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 13:01

The lady at church just made me feel like I had used this colleague for my own gains.

Well only you know whether that is true or not.
Some friendships lapse as people's situations change. and that is just part of life Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to keep a friendship but both parties have to want to make it work.
I don't think being a christian or not being a christian has anything to do with being a good friend though

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/07/2024 13:11

Well, she stood against the herd and supported you at work - that wasn’t just nice of her, it was quite courageous. Then you let her down with the visit. She offered you something of value (even though you didn’t need it, which is fine) and told you about her health issues - and you haven’t checked in with her since….

It’s up to you, and irregardless of Christianity, I would have definitely texted her to see how she was doing.

Bruisername · 29/07/2024 13:12

Have you offered to pop over to visit her? It seems quite one sided and I would imagine she feels quite used and taken for granted by you

purplecorkheart · 29/07/2024 13:17

It all seems a bit one sided to me. She supported you at work. You invited her to come to you and was not there and then expected her to come again. Personally I would have suggested meeting in a coffee shop near work. I would send her a card just saying something to the effect that you are thinking of her and hope that she is in good health and that you would love to meet for a coffee sometime if she is free. If she does reach out let her pick the venue.

capstix · 29/07/2024 13:19

I think you're right that the friendship has run its course. You could make one last attempt to make contact and then leave it at that if nothing comes of it.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 29/07/2024 13:21

Sparklfairy · 29/07/2024 12:52

It's probably the way you've worded it but it doesn't seem like you were giving much to the friendship? Why was she doing all the running to visit you? Did you not touch base with a text now and then and ask her about her health issues?

Just my take (only from the info in your OP) but it reads a bit like she was really supportive of you at work and was sad about you leaving. Then you've left, invited her over but you weren't there, and then didn't make much effort after that. She has her own problems but it doesn't sound like you've taken much interest in those.

If I'm completely off base I'm sorry!

This is how it reads to me too, and if this is the case it doesn't feel very 'Christian'

SauviGone · 29/07/2024 13:22

Even with your own take on it, it reads like you used her and dumped her.

I thought it was a reverse at first.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 29/07/2024 13:22

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 13:08

I tried inviting her to my home again but she did not want to. There surely wasn't much else I could do?

She did come but you weren't there.

Turophilic · 29/07/2024 13:24

Sounds like she was caring and supportive, you stood her up then dropped her.

Beautiful3 · 29/07/2024 13:25

Sounds like she was a good friend who had your back, at work. Now you've moved on and made new friends, you don't need her any more. That's horrible. Perhaps she's not well enough to visit you. I'd message her saying if you're not up for travelling, shall I pop I to see you with lunch? I'd bring something for us to eat, like sandwiches, crisps and cookies. I'm sure she would like that.

Delphiniumandlupins · 29/07/2024 13:29

I think the friendship has probably run its course but only because you are not interested in giving her support or care. Did you "keep her in your prayers" or simply stop thinking about her at all?

MyBreezyPombear · 29/07/2024 13:31

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/07/2024 13:11

Well, she stood against the herd and supported you at work - that wasn’t just nice of her, it was quite courageous. Then you let her down with the visit. She offered you something of value (even though you didn’t need it, which is fine) and told you about her health issues - and you haven’t checked in with her since….

It’s up to you, and irregardless of Christianity, I would have definitely texted her to see how she was doing.

This is the way I read it as well

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 29/07/2024 13:33

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 13:01

The lady at church just made me feel like I had used this colleague for my own gains.

Tell her to stick her fat head in a bucket.

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