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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I did nothing wrong here?

59 replies

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 12:40

I have posted on the same topic before anyone jumps in...
In my old job I had a rough time. Other colleagues were being very unpleasant towards me. One colleague though, really stuck by me and was very supportive. When I left, I felt we would stay in touch.
She was acting fairly strange in the lead up to me going however. For example, one morning I greeted her at the door and she was fine. I was then chatting to other colleagues and she sort of moved away from us all and seemed really down and a bit off with me. I messaged her saying she could come to my home for a visit after I had left the job. She did but there was a mix up and unfortunately I was not at home. I told her to come back later that day but she said she couldn't. We kind of lost contact then until I bumped into her in town and said again that she should come for a visit but she didn't seem that keen.
Again, Didn't hear from her for a while until she texted me asking if I would like some books that a friend of hers was giving away. I didn't but enquired after her wellbeing. She has some chronic health issues and said she was struggling and not able to work much at the moment. I said I would keep her in prayer. That was a few months ago and I haven't initiated contact since. A friend through my church asked how she was ( I have spoken about her with them previously ) and I admitted that I didn't actually know and she said 'Don't you think as a good friend and Christian that you should have seen how she is?' Yet I feel like the friendship has run it's course and not everyone is meant to stay in your life.
I do have new colleagues who have turned into friends now but does this really make me so awful ?

OP posts:
Bellaboo01 · 29/07/2024 13:35

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 12:40

I have posted on the same topic before anyone jumps in...
In my old job I had a rough time. Other colleagues were being very unpleasant towards me. One colleague though, really stuck by me and was very supportive. When I left, I felt we would stay in touch.
She was acting fairly strange in the lead up to me going however. For example, one morning I greeted her at the door and she was fine. I was then chatting to other colleagues and she sort of moved away from us all and seemed really down and a bit off with me. I messaged her saying she could come to my home for a visit after I had left the job. She did but there was a mix up and unfortunately I was not at home. I told her to come back later that day but she said she couldn't. We kind of lost contact then until I bumped into her in town and said again that she should come for a visit but she didn't seem that keen.
Again, Didn't hear from her for a while until she texted me asking if I would like some books that a friend of hers was giving away. I didn't but enquired after her wellbeing. She has some chronic health issues and said she was struggling and not able to work much at the moment. I said I would keep her in prayer. That was a few months ago and I haven't initiated contact since. A friend through my church asked how she was ( I have spoken about her with them previously ) and I admitted that I didn't actually know and she said 'Don't you think as a good friend and Christian that you should have seen how she is?' Yet I feel like the friendship has run it's course and not everyone is meant to stay in your life.
I do have new colleagues who have turned into friends now but does this really make me so awful ?

You are being unreasonable in my opinion.

It doesnt sound as though you have been a great friend to her.

G123456789 · 29/07/2024 13:38

I'm an out going and likeable character, it was great in the jobs I did...I network like an Southern Diplomat to miss quote Chuck Berry...if I stayed in touch with everyone I'd ever been friends with at work I'd be speaking to thousands of people a month!

Let it go. It takes two to make a friendship...she's not actually chased you

Hoppinggreen · 29/07/2024 13:46

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 13:01

The lady at church just made me feel like I had used this colleague for my own gains.

I don't think making people feel bad like that is a very Christian thing to do - or maybe it is?
And do you think your ex colleague would be happy for you to share such personal information with a stranger?

Wishimaywishimight · 29/07/2024 13:49

It seems to me this lady was supportive to you when you needed her, now you no longer need her you have ceased contact. Not nice of you, especially as she is unwell.

JabbaTheBeachHut · 29/07/2024 13:55

Wasn't the general consensus that even the best of work friends, tend to drop off when one or both of them leave?

If she wanted to keep in touch and update you on her medical condition, she would.

Original poster
CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 18:13

Yes, I do think that she would be messaging me to update me if she wanted the contact to continue.
I have been exceptionally busy with work and family and sometimes you have to prioritise, doesn't mean I used her, as others said, these work bonds often fizzle out when one leaves.

OP posts:
Bruisername · 29/07/2024 18:14

You seem to have high expectations of others while having low expectations of yourself

Original poster
CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 18:28

No, that is not true.

OP posts:
Bruisername · 29/07/2024 18:49

Perhaps it’s the way you portrayed it but it reads like a woman with health conditions put her head above the parapet to help you at work. Once you left you invited her to your place and weren’t there so asked her to come back later that day which she declined and you then invited her round again. You at no point offered an alternative meeting point. She got in touch with you and you had a chat where she told you she wasn’t well and you didn’t get back in touch but expect her to keep you updated. There doesn’t seem a lot of effort on your part.

of course it could just be the way you have written it but only you can self reflect and decide how one sided this has been

Dery · 29/07/2024 20:09

I agree with @Bruisername - it sounds like she’s been a better friend to you than you have been to her. Honestly, saying you will keep her in your prayers is not - in and of itself - much of an offer, especially since you haven’t followed up with her since. You may not have time or space in her life for you - there are certainly people in my life who I have let down because I didn’t give them time when they needed it - but I think you have let her down.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 29/07/2024 20:56

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 18:13

Yes, I do think that she would be messaging me to update me if she wanted the contact to continue.
I have been exceptionally busy with work and family and sometimes you have to prioritise, doesn't mean I used her, as others said, these work bonds often fizzle out when one leaves.

She prioritised you when you were being bullied at work, even though it can't have been easy or pleasant for her.

Jk987 · 29/07/2024 20:57

Not being at home when she'd made the effort to come and see you would be very off putting.

Crazycatlady79 · 29/07/2024 21:04

Why were you discussing a work colleague/'friend' with people at church?

If you authentically valued the friendship, instead of a rather patronising "I'll pray for you", I would have thought suggesting visiting her at home or arranging a meet up might have been more productive in keeping the friendship going?

The I'll pray for you/talk about you at church vibe doesn't really suggest a marked effort on your part to stay connected to your former colleague.

🤷🏼‍♀️

5128gap · 29/07/2024 21:09

I think the Christian thing to do in a situation can often be different from the thing most people would do if they weren't committed to that particular set of values and behaviour. Because I suppose your church friend is correct. The self sacrificing, put others first approach would indeed be to check in regularly and offer support and service to a sick person. The secular approach would be less altruistic and say there was no benefit to be had from the friendship so let it die.

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 29/07/2024 21:35

It's not up to anyone else to tell you whether or not you are being a good Christian. It's between you and God.

Original poster
CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 21:51

I spoke about her when I was in my old role and said only nice things. I have only ever been nice to her. Me not being at home that day was a total miscommunication issue and I said I was home anytime she wanted to pop in to visit.
It's natural for people with busy lives to drift and that doesn't mean there are any hard feelings. I'm sure the lady at church doesn't keep in touch with all her old work colleagues and people she may have been previously close with.
Prayer is an important part of my life and I believe it to be meaningful. Not something I just said without thinking. My faith is incredibly important to me.

OP posts:
Bruisername · 29/07/2024 21:53

Did you include her in your prayers?

I would self reflect about why your church friends comment has upset you so much

Original poster
CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 22:32

Yes I did.
It upset me as I felt she was questioning me as a Christian.

OP posts:
BoredAuditor · 29/07/2024 23:38

"Me not being at home that day was a total miscommunication issue and I said I was home anytime she wanted to pop in to visit".

You weren't home the first time OP.
You sound defensive and full of excuses. It really does read like she was a better friend to you than you to her. Maybe you should pray for yourself if you can't take a step back and self reflect.

LadyCrumpet · 29/07/2024 23:51

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 13:08

I tried inviting her to my home again but she did not want to. There surely wasn't much else I could do?

You could have offered to put yourself out and visit her, seeing as you were so rude to not be in or message that you wouldn't be there the last time she traipsed to your house.

No wonder she's fucked you off.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 29/07/2024 23:58

Sorry OP, but for someone who professes to be a Christian, and says how important her faith is, you haven't acted very well. This lady supported you when you needed her, and regardless of the messed up visit, she not only contacted you to see if you would like something that she had to offer, but she also told you that she was unwell. As a Christian, saying you will pray for her is all very well, but actions speak far louder than words, and a good Christian, who has received help and support from someone, would return it by contacting her again to see how she is, and if there is anything you can do to help. Words are cheap, putting in effort is what Christianity is REALLY about.

rainbow126 · 30/07/2024 00:16

CatchTheRays1 · 29/07/2024 13:01

The lady at church just made me feel like I had used this colleague for my own gains.

Could this be how your ex colleague feels and she has mentioned this to the church friend in common?

You are probably feeling upset by the church lady’s comment because you know she has a point - you haven’t been a particularly good friend.

HateMyselfToo · 30/07/2024 00:20

You invited her over, then weren't there. Okay, you could have apologised and I'd probably let that go.
What are her views on religion? Someone saying they would keep me in their prayers would make me feel uncomfortable if they KNEW I was quite anti religion (any religion) but again, if they didn't know me well enough to know that, I wouldn't make it an issue.
Maybe you're just not suited as friends outside of work and it has run its course.

SleepPrettyDarling · 30/07/2024 00:24

Miscommunications can easily happen, so don’t beat yourself up (communication is a two-way street, and the way you’ve described it, I’m giving the benefit of it being an equal misunderstanding.)

Dery · 30/07/2024 06:18

@CatchTheRays1 - prayer might be important and meaningful to you but you must recognise that it takes very little effort indeed to say a few words about this lady in your prayers. You haven’t even been back in touch to see how she is. How meaningful can your prayers be in those circumstances? You don’t know whether her condition is better or worse. Why do you think she would reach out to you when you’ve shown no interest? Now someone at your church has said she doesn’t think you’ve done enough; this appears to have injured your view of yourself as a Christian - your “Christian ego” so to speak - and you seem to want people to tell you that you’ve done enough by this woman and all is well.

None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. We all do wrong things. We all let people down. I certainly have. I’ve done wrong things and let people down. I can and do admit that.

Where’s your humility, OP? Your description of what’s gone on shows that this lady has been a better friend to you than you’ve been to her. That’s actually okay - she may have had more resources on which to draw. She may, for whatever reasons, have been better able to supply that friendship in the moment than you were. But I’m struggling to understand why you can’t just admit that to yourself. Why do you have to be so defensive about it? It doesn’t make you a bad Christian. It just makes you human. Surely you don’t think you’re perfect? Surely the Christian thing to do here would be to acknowledge that you haven’t done enough and work out whether you have the resources now to reach out to this lady or - when you do feel better able - to pay it forward to someone else?