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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to go to her 30th

66 replies

theurbanpigeon · 28/07/2024 21:55

Sorry in advance for a long post! A friend of mine, A, has been having a protracted mental breakdown (compounded by substance abuse) for the past year or so, as a result of a bad break-up. Over that time she's been kind of a crap friend, but we've made allowances because she's been going through it.

She had a drunk row with another friend, B, at a wedding this summer over something silly, but B was pretty p*ssed about it.

A few weeks later, B made a group for her 30th birthday. We were surprised to see A's ex (who precipitated the menty b) on the guestlist - he's not a friend of B, and though they are acquainted, it looked calculated. A, who is not mentally well, obviously flipped and sent a long message saying essentially "f- you, how could you do this". B replied with "this isn't reasonable. I hope you get the help you need". And then blocked A on all socials.

To me this seems extremely cold and mean, especially given B knows everything about how much A has been struggling with her mental health.

My question is - do I still go to B's birthday? Or should I rally behind my friend A and make excuses? Part of me thinks there must be two sides to the story but I'm really struggling to figure out what B's could be.

YABU - just go to the birthday and stop getting involved.

YANBU - B sounds like a b*tch you should boycott the birthday

OP posts:
otravezempezamos · 28/07/2024 21:57

Are these girls all 30 or 3? So much silly
drama. I wouldn’t want anything to do with it.

Original poster
theurbanpigeon · 29/07/2024 07:45

otravezempezamos · 28/07/2024 21:57

Are these girls all 30 or 3? So much silly
drama. I wouldn’t want anything to do with it.

So should I go or not 🙃

OP posts:
ElliLovesDogs · 29/07/2024 07:47

Go but stay the heck out of it. Not your drama. Dont get caught up in any conversation about it either

Spirallingdownwards · 29/07/2024 07:48

YABU for calling her mental health issues a menty b.

Up to B who she wants to invite. Up to A and you to not go if you don't want to.

SoOriginal · 29/07/2024 07:49

They both sound like hard work and are wrong in their own way so theres no reason to end the friendship with one and not the other.

Bettyscakes · 29/07/2024 07:53

Wow how childish & awful calling a mental breakdown those words. So disrespectful. I think you should make an excuse & stay away. It all sounds very childish.

ThatOpenSwan · 29/07/2024 08:04

Don't go, B is being awful and also menty b is v common parlance.

DeclansAFeckingDream · 29/07/2024 08:11

ThatOpenSwan · 29/07/2024 08:04

Don't go, B is being awful and also menty b is v common parlance.

Is it? Perhaps area/age dependent? I've certainly never heard someone's mental breakdown described as a 'menty b'. Not something I would expect an adult with a respect and understanding of mental health issues to say anyway.

OP I would go, but not involve myself in their issues, it's not your business.

LondonTraveller · 29/07/2024 08:16

Some of these abbreviations annoy me but menty b made me chuckle.

It sounds like friend B was being petty by inviting the ex but personally, if friend A is causing so much drama within the group and is refusing to get help I'm not sure I'd take her side by not going.

You could end up taking a stand by not going but then might end up with no friendships as it doesn't sound like friend A has the capacity to be a good friend at the moment. So what would you be gaining by not going?

MojoMoon · 29/07/2024 08:19

Go to the party.

Stop getting so involved. This can be their drama not yours.

A isn't unwell entirely because of an ex boyfriend - relationship stress may have made her worse but it isn't the entire cause. And who knows exactly what happened between them from his point of view.

otravezempezamos · 29/07/2024 08:31

theurbanpigeon · 29/07/2024 07:45

So should I go or not 🙃

Show quote history

I wouldn’t want to.

Capeprimrose · 29/07/2024 08:39

LondonTraveller · 29/07/2024 08:16

Some of these abbreviations annoy me but menty b made me chuckle.

It sounds like friend B was being petty by inviting the ex but personally, if friend A is causing so much drama within the group and is refusing to get help I'm not sure I'd take her side by not going.

You could end up taking a stand by not going but then might end up with no friendships as it doesn't sound like friend A has the capacity to be a good friend at the moment. So what would you be gaining by not going?

This.

However, you now know that B has a very nasty side to her, so buyer beware.

Sammytheseal · 29/07/2024 08:39

A needs to get proper help, the group should stop enabling her and making “allowances”.

You should go to the party but steer clear of the drama between A and B. B appears to be being spiteful but as you haven’t shared what B was upset about, it’s possible that she is behaving in a manner that is understandable.

Ponoka7 · 29/07/2024 08:43

Was B actually abusive? It's an appalling thing to do if so. No-one should be mixing with the abusive ex of a friend. It minimises abuse. If that's the case, then I wouldn't go. If she is that spiteful it will eventually be your turn.

paradisecircus · 29/07/2024 08:44

If you want to go to B's birthday, go. It's their conflict not yours.

pictoosh · 29/07/2024 08:46

You could end up taking a stand by not going but then might end up with no friendships as it doesn't sound like friend A has the capacity to be a good friend at the moment. So what would you be gaining by not going?

This is a problem with social groups. Most people will side with who is socially advantageous for them personally, rather than who they think is right...or even who they like more.

I'd be interested to know what the initial fall out at the wedding was all about as that has set the scene for this.

TheGreenKnight · 29/07/2024 08:47

otravezempezamos · 28/07/2024 21:57

Are these girls all 30 or 3? So much silly
drama. I wouldn’t want anything to do with it.

Yep! Schools out.

ExpectantEs · 29/07/2024 08:52

I would go to the party. I would also make sure A and B both know that I found it weird that the ex was on the guestlist in separate conversations lightly.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/07/2024 08:52

I actually think OP is being mature about this, and a good friend. Trying to work out who is actually right and wrong, rather than going with what is socially advantageous to her, or avoiding taking sides at all costs.

Lots of people get away with really crap behaviour because people don’t want to rock the boat or “be next”.

That said, it’s hard here to work out who is right or wrong. What was the falling out about? What did A’s ex do - was he abusive?

pictoosh · 29/07/2024 08:55

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I wasn't referring to the OP but rather the advice that was offered. The OP actually sounds a good sort, I agree.

EatTheGnome · 29/07/2024 08:58

I think you wouldnt want to be treated like that by B so don't go.

I would drop out under the premise of something else though so you arent taking sides.

Regardless if what A did, you see B as making a callous, spiteful power move and I wouldn't be part of deliberately shitting on A. Which is what this is. No doubt a birthday event that will be plastered online to further rub As nose in it so she feels like B has all the friend and the upper hand. Super nasty.

EatTheGnome · 29/07/2024 09:01

EatTheGnome · 29/07/2024 08:58

I think you wouldnt want to be treated like that by B so don't go.

I would drop out under the premise of something else though so you arent taking sides.

Regardless if what A did, you see B as making a callous, spiteful power move and I wouldn't be part of deliberately shitting on A. Which is what this is. No doubt a birthday event that will be plastered online to further rub As nose in it so she feels like B has all the friend and the upper hand. Super nasty.

Edited

I'd add that it's definitely calculated on Bs part because she is pissed off at A. And I would be too if she'd made an absolute scene at a wedding and dragged me into it. But if that's the case she should have not invited her or talked to her about nit, not been a total snake.

pictoosh · 29/07/2024 09:07

@EatTheGnome I agree that what you describe could potentially be the case. If so, the OP is right to consider the implications of going...or not.
I think your advice is sound.

FruitLoop83 · 29/07/2024 09:07

I wouldn’t go and I would also distance myself from a friend that has the capacity to be as spiteful as B is being. That’s no friend and if she can do it to others, she will do it to you.

ChubSeedsYorkie · 29/07/2024 09:10

Spirallingdownwards · 29/07/2024 07:48

YABU for calling her mental health issues a menty b.

Up to B who she wants to invite. Up to A and you to not go if you don't want to.

This. Menty B??? Seriously what a way to minimise mental illness.

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