Not to go to her 30th

[theurbanpigeon]

Sorry in advance for a long post! A friend of mine, A, has been having a protracted mental breakdown (compounded by substance abuse) for the past year or so, as a result of a bad break-up. Over that time she's been kind of a crap friend, but we've made allowances because she's been going through it.

She had a drunk row with another friend, B, at a wedding this summer over something silly, but B was pretty p*ssed about it.

A few weeks later, B made a group for her 30th birthday. We were surprised to see A's ex (who precipitated the menty b) on the guestlist - he's not a friend of B, and though they are acquainted, it looked calculated. A, who is not mentally well, obviously flipped and sent a long message saying essentially "f- you, how could you do this". B replied with "this isn't reasonable. I hope you get the help you need". And then blocked A on all socials.

To me this seems extremely cold and mean, especially given B knows everything about how much A has been struggling with her mental health.

My question is - do I still go to B's birthday? Or should I rally behind my friend A and make excuses? Part of me thinks there must be two sides to the story but I'm really struggling to figure out what B's could be.

YABU - just go to the birthday and stop getting involved.

YANBU - B sounds like a b*tch you should boycott the birthday

I might just find myself busy that weekend and unable to go. This is not a birthday celebration - more a witch hunt\revenge social event which I would not want to be associated with.

I would go unless you don’t want to.

I wouldn’t go. I try to avoid people who have the capacity to be nasty at that level. If B is still angry at A then by all means she can choose not to invite her to her birthday or she can choose to go low contact etc. That would be reasonable. But to invite A’s ex from a bad breakup to a party she has also invited A to, well that is deeply nasty and vicious.

I'm not entirely sure that it's bitchy of B to invite the ex to her party. You say he's an acquaintance and if the guest list is large then there may well be acquaintances of all sorts going. I remember for my last big birthday I invited loads of people, many of whom were really only acquaintances or on the outer circles of friendship rather than really good close friends. How does one define a friend? Anyway, I've noticed that lots of people these days call everybody a friend where I would use the term acquaintance to describe a lot of them, so it may be that be simply A has invited lots of people and the ex was on the list and it may not have been a calculated slide at all

I'm quite nosey so I would probably speak to B or message her along the lines of "blimey A's really lost it over you inviting X hasn't she? Did you know she would react that way?" and then see what the answer suggests.

But to answer your question, I would go if B was a friend whose birthday I wanted to celebrate, and if A was also important to me, I would express to her solidarity around her feelings about the ex being invited and continue to support her with her issues. It's possible to be friends with two people who themselves are not friends.

Did you really just refer to a mental breakdown as a “menty b”’ like “platty joobs” or “cozzy living”?!

Dear god, that’s just all kinds of awful and infantile and ridiculous. As is the drama you seem determined to embroil yourself in, even though it’s got nothing to do with you.

@theurbanpigeon I’d be too curious not to ask B whether they always planned on inviting the abusive ex. The response would help me decide.

"Menty b" how old are you 3? None of you sound like functioning adults.

I wouldn't go.

Common for whom? It’s awful. And childish.

If you're all close, I'd be asking B what she's playing at. And I'd make a decision from there.

Look, we've got really close lately Vs look, I didn't want A to come and thought this would stop her

he's not a friend of B, and though they are acquainted, it looked calculated.

Based on this, I would now think less of friend B. That's a very cruel thing to do to friend A.

I would talk to friend A and make sure she knows that she has my support and that I think friend B is out of order. I'd also let friend B know that I think it's cruel too.

I'm not sure whether I'd go to the party or not, as that depends on so many variables and is something only you can decide.

A sounds like she been this way for a while and ruins things with her behaviour.
my DH has a similar friend in extended friendship group it’s been going on for a decade now. She’s a liability and we dread weddings and birthdays as inevitably SOMETHING happens

B has had enough of this bullshit and did something petty

I am generally in the be a loyal friend camp…

but I think you should be a loyal friend to B here.
that is to say you don’t have to take her side (it was a bit of a dick move… but A still overreacted) but you shouldn’t punish her by not going.
its between her and A and if more people were (constructively) calling A out on her behaviour she might be more inclined to get the help she needs

I don’t think OP has said the ex was abusive. How many people are invited?

B is right that A needs to focus on getting better, and perhaps is being a good friend by taking the position that life moves on and A should have fewer people enabling her.

It’s actually very self absorbed to take the view that the guest list of someone else’s birthday party is about you. To what extent would you say the behaviour post break up is in character for A?

Menty b - really? Funny way of expressing concern about a supposed friend that you are worried about.

The whole thing sounds utterly infantile.

That move by B was far below the belt and is obvious to everyone to be calculated, but why?

To punish A for the fallout at the wedding - in which case it’s probably and over reaction but depends what was said by whom, maybe she feels vindicated.

Or it’s to exclude A without formally excluding her - by ensuring she will
not go bc of her ex’s invite - whether he turns up or not.

As someone said before, they’ve both behaved badly, and as nearly everyone says, it all sounds very immature.

If A has been mistreating you personally then go if you’d like to, but if there’s more going on and B is just doing this to be spiteful maybe make a stand and be doing something else that night.

@theurbanpigeon What was the original argument about between A and B? It is impossible to assess without knowing that really.

Thanks all for the responses! Not sure they are conclusive yet but some useful thoughts.

A few qualifiers if they help sway people one way or the other:

• A's ex wasn't abusive - he just ended the relationships very suddenly and with no warning (it had been a kind of messy situationship for a while tbh and he was 26 so a bit immature). I don’t think he's a bad guy, just didn't handle it well. A has had a very nasty ex in her early 20s who was abusive and was the root cause of a lot of her difficulties now, and we are all (including B) well aware of that.

• A and B had argued at the wedding over A kissing a boy / B thinking she was too drunk to be doing so (yes aware this isn't standing us in good stead not to be considered "like 3 year olds"). Wider context: A feels like B only checks in "performatively" and doesn't care about her actually; B likely feels like A has been a rubbish friend / not checking in with her

• Tiny bit of extra extra context: A turned 30 in May and didn't want to celebrate as she was thoroughly depressed about it; had a couple of friends over instead, including B, and B chose to announce her engagment that night.

• A is now getting help (gone home, signed off work, trying to get on the right meds), but this is after probably 1+ years of us all telling her she should. Not sure how aware B is of this, but the point at which she sent the "get help" text was probably 1 week after A had gone home so pretty grim timing / definitely hit her where it hurt

• Finally: sorry to all offended by "menty b" - it is quite common parlance among my social circles/internet circles (sort of tiktoky gen z slang) and not at all intended to trivialise, but noted!

You lost me at 'menty b'

Oh I quite liked the 'menty b' each to their own

• Tiny bit of extra extra context: A turned 30 in May and didn't want to celebrate as she was thoroughly depressed about it; had a couple of friends over instead, including B, and B chose to announce her engagment that night.

Does ‘B’ stand for bitch by any chance?!

They obviously don’t like each other (A with good reason) I think they should probably avoid each other from now on

I've never heard of it. It's cruel, like spacker or deaf-lugs or mongy or divvy or cripple. Mocking illness.

Absolutely agree with this. Awful.

B sounds like a right bitch but I get that A is probably really hard to be friends with too but it does sound like she's getting help she needs. On seeing that the ex just dumped her I think it's ok if B wants to invite him if they are friends as he actually didn't do anything wrong. If you think she's doing it to be spiteful then I'd call her out on it. I'd probably go but tell them both you're not getting involved in their drama and I'd probably make B aware that she's not making herself look good with how she's going about things. What do your other friends say about it?

Thanks that's helpful, think you've got it right.

Other friends are a bit torn; main question being did B invite the ex out of spite or just out of carelessness / lack of regard for A. Most of the other friends in this circle are male and typically are not as thoughtful anyway (/ if another boy had done the same as B probably wouldn't have an issue with it at all...).

Is it ?
I was a mental health nurse for years I have never heard it .