Not to go to her 30th

[theurbanpigeon]

Sorry in advance for a long post! A friend of mine, A, has been having a protracted mental breakdown (compounded by substance abuse) for the past year or so, as a result of a bad break-up. Over that time she's been kind of a crap friend, but we've made allowances because she's been going through it.

She had a drunk row with another friend, B, at a wedding this summer over something silly, but B was pretty p*ssed about it.

A few weeks later, B made a group for her 30th birthday. We were surprised to see A's ex (who precipitated the menty b) on the guestlist - he's not a friend of B, and though they are acquainted, it looked calculated. A, who is not mentally well, obviously flipped and sent a long message saying essentially "f- you, how could you do this". B replied with "this isn't reasonable. I hope you get the help you need". And then blocked A on all socials.

To me this seems extremely cold and mean, especially given B knows everything about how much A has been struggling with her mental health.

My question is - do I still go to B's birthday? Or should I rally behind my friend A and make excuses? Part of me thinks there must be two sides to the story but I'm really struggling to figure out what B's could be.

YABU - just go to the birthday and stop getting involved.

YANBU - B sounds like a b*tch you should boycott the birthday

It's common parlance as a jokey way of referring to a little freakout or tantrum (e.g. he blocked me and unfollowed me on IG and I had a little menty b cos it's so frickin ruuuude!")

NOT

a year long severe mental health struggle

OP is minimising her friend's struggles

Given the extra context, im even more convinced that B is being a nasty shitbag.

That isn't to say A isn't hard work and I'm sure she has driven enough people mad that they may want to cut contact, which they are well.wothing rather rights to do.

IMO that decision stands on its own merit. It doesn't need salt in the wound. If B was a friend she would be saying "sorry A, I know its hard for you but he is my friend as well and I want him there". B also wouldn't have put herself in the opinion of listening to A opine on the details of the breakup involving another friend. Its messy and comes off like she is al for the gossip and bit for the support. B likes having A around so that she can position herself like the "straight talking no nonsense friend" when actually she just likes the drama and feeling superior. A might be a mess but B is actively calculated.

If you don’t go, don’t make an excuse, tell the truth. So important! I’d have to ask B what was going on. I think I’d phone, not text, and say hey, I really want to come but feel weird with arsehole ex there, why (the fuck) did you invite him? Sound it out.

No, I wouldn't go. I think inviting a friend's ex is really shitty and petty. If they had been close friends it's a different story but as they were just aquantances she's either stirring up trouble or she's one of these people who have to invite every single person they know to a party to make it look good on the gram and I dont particularly like either of those kinds of people.

None of whom will. Have any idea of what severe, and enduring mental illness is like .

This is very sensible measured advice.

I would have to ask B about why she invited the ex, even in the faux naive way that pp suggested. A 26 year old ex of a friend who you loosely know….nah something seems off!!

Overall from your update B sounds awful - whatever about taking sides I would be wary about your own friendship with someone like this. If she can do it with A she can do it to you.Suspect A is correct about the performative element and not to undermine the consent factor making a scene out of your friend drunkenly snogging someone at a wedding is not cool - has she become v judgy since the engagement I wonder - it does happen…

That's helpful, thank you.

If A is having serious problems with her mental health, then describing her struggles as a "menty b" is incredibly dismissive and offensive. It's a revolting way to trivialise something that is very serious. It certainly doesn't suggest any kind of concern or compassion for her.

I'm on the fence as I have a friend who has been using me as an emotional crutch for the last year and I've had enough. B is probably fed up. It very well could be that B is friends with the ex and is fed up of making allowances for A.

Or maybe B is being a bitch.

You know them better than we do, it's impossible to say without knowing these people.

@theurbanpigeon I'd speak to B and ask her why she invited A's ex to the party given you didn't even think they were friends.

Depending on B's answer I'd then make my decision on whether to go or not.

If B has become good friends with this ex then fair enough to invite him. If there is any suggestion that she did it to wind up A for whatever reason then I'd probably not go and let B know how mean she was.

A and B had argued at the wedding over A kissing a boy / B thinking she was too drunk to be doing so

A feels like B only checks in "performatively" and doesn't care about her actually; B likely feels like A has been a rubbish friend / not checking in with her

There is a huge difference between friends stepping in when they are genuinely concerned that their drunk friend is being taken advantage of and could be in danger and a friend stepping in because they disapprove and think they have a right to control their friend and expect their friend to check in with them.

A is an adult and doesn’t have to check in with B.

B comes across as controlling and toxic. Every thing you have said about B makes her look like a bad friend. No decent person would upstage their friends birthday by announcing their own engagement, making themself the centre of attention.

I think A is right about B and I hope she drops her completely out her life. I bet her mental health will probably improve when she surrounds herself in genuinely supportive people who genuinely care about her.

If A drops B, I wonder how long before B finds herself another person to target.

Thank you all for the advice! Made other plans and think I will not go to the birthday / subtly try to get B's side of the story another time. I am a much closer friend of A anyway so not such a loss!

To those of you upset by the menty b thing: please calm down. I am obviously not trivialising my friend's mental illness (I'm literally taking a stand with another friend because of how serious it is); it was just some thoughtless phrasing used for a post on an internet forum. You don’t know anything about my own history of mental illness, either - a lot of people (A included) use dark humour as a coping mechanism. It's not a slur or intended to be derogatory: get a grip.

From the way it has been told here B does not sound very nice at all really.

I hope your friend (A) is getting better now.

I would fuck B off personally.

I wouldn’t go

Not your monkeys not your circus

I don’t think friend B has acted in kindness but i couldn’t enter in to all that drama if I’m honest. I’d make my excuses and not attend the party

Still go, sounds like you could have material for a good Novel. Get it published and send free copies to A + B.