To not like anyone coming into my home?

[PontiacBanditt]

I've recently moved into a new apartment with DH and our 3 DCs.

We never had people round in our old place because it was simply too small for us let alone guests. Now we've moved and my DM, DF, Uncle and a mum friend with her four children have separately invited themselves round/asked when they can visit and I don't really have any excuse for why they can't.

The idea of people being here makes me so uncomfortable. I hate hate hate people using my toilet, especially as I know DM never washes her hands, the smell of people's lingering perfume, their germs everywhere, DF is always covered in cat hair and it'll be on my sofa etc I just can't stand it. My home is my safe space and I like it just us.

I know I sound insane. I previously struggled with OCD and had therapy and medication for it. I'm not a clean freak, I have 3DC, our place is often messy and dirty so I don't know why I feel like this about other people. I am very sociable outside our home.

DC are too small to have friends round but I'd be fine with that

Please tell me I'm not alone or do I need therapy?

Err, I don't think you're reading my posts properly - I'm agreeing with you.

your mum doesn't wash her hands?!!!!!

how disgusting

unfortunately more people are like this than we realise

this is why I also don't like people in my home except a select few. plus I am immunosuppressed and end up really sick with bugs most people would not even notice.

I live on my own though, don't think I could do it if I was living with family as you do @PontiacBanditt

perhaps you could buy a sofa cover and remind your mum to wash her hands as soon as she comes in to your flat and then again if she uses bathroom?

I think it's gross, but if your mum doesn't wash her hands, just don't let her prepare drink and food?

That aside, who cares. It's more unhealthy to live in a sterile environment than meeting a few bugs and germ. Kid get sick, you don't change into sterile clothing as soon as you go past the front door, your clothes, your hair have been outside in contact with lord knows what. Most people don't sterilise their mobile phone or bags when they come home.

If you need medical help because it's a genuine problem, do it now.

I struggle with this mildly, but people take their shoes before coming in here and you can always hoover after etc. you can’t ever get back the memories or time especially if older relatives pass. Please get therapy xx

I'm sorry to say but I don't think it's a case of you previously suffering for OCD you still have it
I feel the same as you and don't have visitors either.
Tell people the truth you don't like visitors, you will meet them for a coffee.

You don't have to be a big home entertainer or dinner party type, plenty of people mainly meet people outside the home and it's fine.

You do need to get to grips with these issues to the point that you can have people round for a coffee and small things like that. It's just part of being part of a functioning society and not giving your kids a weird, restrictive childhood.

Is it just some people you dont like coming round or is it everyone? What does your DH think? I'd feel pretty trapped if DH said I couldn't ever have guests round.

@EmoCourt
has nailed it!💯

Omg this is seriously weird and to be honest you're totally out of order. Apart from the fact that you're imposing this weird attitude onto your kids, you're also creating future problems for yourself as there is every chance that they won't want you in their homes when they're older.

If you don't invite people to yours, you won't be invited to theirs.

MIL is 88 and has lived in her house since 1959. Except for her DC's friends when they were small, she has never invited anyone to her home. She has never invited anyone in. Not even for a coffee.

She doesn't get out any more. Her only visitor is DH once or twice a month and the daily carer. She is very lonely and is reaping what she's sown.

You have to give to receive @PontiacBanditt and you also have to ensure yiur DC live sociable and normal lives.

Please get help.

Hi all,

Wow I'd forgotten about this thread!

I've since started an SSRI and now have people round all the time (including my mum who comes for lunch often now) and I don't care at all about these things anymore. I think I was really struggling with post partum anxiety/OCD.

Thanks for those who were kind and understanding.

Thank you for replying kindly, I definitely was struggling a lot, I'd have to disinfect things that visitors touched and I'd have to clean the sofa, I'd have to wash my clothes even if I'd just tried them on, changed my bed daily etc.

Things are a lot easier now and I have people for lunch all the time

This is an old thread and I was really struggling with postpartum OCD, I'm a lot better now thankfully but calling someone seriously weird and talking to someone like this isn't the nicest way to approach someone who's clearly struggling.

This is not normal yes you need help

You've come a long way since July, OP. I'm very glad for you and your family that you feel happier and more relaxed. I can be pretty reclusive - it comes and goes in phases - and I know that's linked in a complicated way to past covid/lockdown/shielding, and I'm working on it.

We're all works in progress. And again, well done

Please read updates.

You need more medication and therapy as the last one hasn't worked. This isn't normal or healthy. Children should be allowed friends over when older and of course your close family should be welcome to come over and visit.

But there are germs everywhere. It's the exposure to them, and the resulting build up of resistance to them, that keeps us alive.

What do you do when you need a wee in a public toilet?

Great update @PontiacBanditt
Unfortunately, there will always be posters who CBA to read your updates.

Glad things are looking up for you.

You need to read the post you quoted again. That poster didn't call you seriously weird.

This is really kind, thank you

The poster said

"this is seriously weird and to be honest you're totally out of order."

Then said

" you're imposing this weird attitude ".

It's not a long way to talk to someone who was clearly suffering

My Friends DH is like you OP
They are very honest about it and they do like being invited to our house as we have lots of social things and dinners
They will insist on taking us out for lunch and paying from time to time to balance it out and it works fine
However I would think twice about the affect on your kids. Mine loved us having their friends parents round for dinner so all the kids could hang out and have very fond memories of sleepovers parties etc

I understand how you feel. I don't like people being here but I love to see people so I have just learned to bite the bullet and cope. My SIL and family have dirty habits so I go round with my wipes when they've gone.
Worst is if someone comes to mend something, etc. We were getting a new kitchen and the surveyor had a poo in my downstairs toilet. I was horrified, DH thought my reaction was funny (I suppose it was).
Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone. I have 2 friends who feel the same and the funny thing is I am fine with them coming round as I know they're as fussy as me.
I have no idea what the answer is, therapy must help, but I've learned to live with it. I can't stand hearing people eat either so I suppose it's all part of the same thing. I should live in a box.

@endofthecorridoor i think you’re nicer than me because the invitations to mine would dry up if I wasn’t considered worthy to go to theirs.