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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like anyone coming into my home?

105 replies

PontiacBanditt · 26/07/2024 20:30

I've recently moved into a new apartment with DH and our 3 DCs.

We never had people round in our old place because it was simply too small for us let alone guests. Now we've moved and my DM, DF, Uncle and a mum friend with her four children have separately invited themselves round/asked when they can visit and I don't really have any excuse for why they can't.

The idea of people being here makes me so uncomfortable. I hate hate hate people using my toilet, especially as I know DM never washes her hands, the smell of people's lingering perfume, their germs everywhere, DF is always covered in cat hair and it'll be on my sofa etc I just can't stand it. My home is my safe space and I like it just us.

I know I sound insane. I previously struggled with OCD and had therapy and medication for it. I'm not a clean freak, I have 3DC, our place is often messy and dirty so I don't know why I feel like this about other people. I am very sociable outside our home.

DC are too small to have friends round but I'd be fine with that

Please tell me I'm not alone or do I need therapy?

OP posts:
DuncanMeBiscuit · 26/07/2024 23:56

I think you need therapy.

"DC are too small to have friends round but I'd be fine with that"

No you won't be, if you're stressing about germs, smells and people not washing their hands.

Kids are famous for all of the above.

DuncanMeBiscuit · 26/07/2024 23:57

Good post @EmoCourt 👏👏

Tourmalines · 26/07/2024 23:59

You need major therapy . So you moved to a new place and your parents are not invited to see it? Weird !!! Poor folks .

Relaxandunwind · 27/07/2024 00:04

I can’t understand why you’re ok with kids visiting but not adults.
Kids are more likely to be dirty in some way … nose picking, not washing hands.

I do think you need therapy of some sort

naems · 27/07/2024 00:05

Your home, your choice. I don't have visitors in my home either. I'm not bothered about germs but I like to have the privacy and space to myself. Whatever the reason is, you dont have to justify it to anyone. I socialise in places outside the home and it's fine.

DuncanMeBiscuit · 27/07/2024 00:11

naems · 27/07/2024 00:05

Your home, your choice. I don't have visitors in my home either. I'm not bothered about germs but I like to have the privacy and space to myself. Whatever the reason is, you dont have to justify it to anyone. I socialise in places outside the home and it's fine.

She'll have to justify it to her kids when they're a little bit older, unless she gets therapy now.

Because she WILL have a problem with their friends/parents etc on playdates.

Funnywonder · 27/07/2024 00:12

I don't enjoy having visitors at all. I feel as though it's not my home while they are there. BUT this is MY problem and I generally just suck it up. I particularly relate to the discomfort around other people's smells, even if they are pleasant, like perfume or mint etc. I had OCD as a teenager and think I still have it to an extent and that I just suppress it.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/07/2024 00:16

To me op that sounds miserable.

EmoCourt · 27/07/2024 00:29

naems · 27/07/2024 00:05

Your home, your choice. I don't have visitors in my home either. I'm not bothered about germs but I like to have the privacy and space to myself. Whatever the reason is, you dont have to justify it to anyone. I socialise in places outside the home and it's fine.

Absolutely if you live alone, you don’t need to justify it to anyone. But the OP has young children, and will have to justify her decision to allow her OCD to dictate who is allowed to visit their home.

janeintheframe · 27/07/2024 07:30

People are posting like she’s inviting randoms off the street in. It’s her parents she doesn’t want in her home. The home where their grandkids live, and she stresses about their germs. That’s just not remotely healthy .

and why are folks posting about it being a safe space. Unless your parents abused you. Which the op has not indicated, there is nothing unsafe about her parents visiting her and the kids.

SproutsAndBaubles · 27/07/2024 07:36

Gently, what about DH and DC? It's their space too. Please consider getting some therapy for helping you with this. As someone who has suffered with OCD in the past myself, I would remind you that these decisions you make to limit interactions and keep your space 'safe' also limit the experiences of those around you.

SproutsAndBaubles · 27/07/2024 07:39

Also, I speak as a sibling of someone who has married someone with similar issues to you - only that person has extended these issues to not wanting to visit anyone else themselves. It breaks my heart that I do not get to spend time with them and their children. Please get some therapy.

CurlewKate · 27/07/2024 07:44

NFM. Normal For Mumsnet.

Uricon2 · 27/07/2024 07:47

You will probably get a lot of reinforcement on here, but to I'm sure the vast majority of people, no, it isn't a normal or healthy way of being and not good at all for your children.

HereComesEverybody · 27/07/2024 07:49

There's such lot of 'my home is my safe space' on MN & it is v odd. Then again I think there are a lot of people with v odd views on incredibly normal things on here too so it's not surprising really

OP it's not normal or reasonable to feel like this about people visiting your home for a couple of hours & it's immensely unfair on your dh & dc. Presumably you'll be along now to tell us that your dh us and even bigger recluse than you & that neither of you have any friends & you never answer the door or phone etc

And in a couple of years you'll be fretting about dc not having any friends or life outside the apartment. Is this really a good way to live?

Is your dh allowed to have his family over?

janeintheframe · 27/07/2024 07:51

I think that’s the issue with online interactions, you get validation from people who suffer the same issues you do. So you come away thinking it’s normal. When the reality is it’s very unhealthy , and as the pp said, also impacts other family members. It will also Impact the childrens view of social interactions where there is limited visitors, even their grandparents can’t come, without a very stressed mother, as there is no hiding that.

DoreenonTill8 · 27/07/2024 07:53

janeintheframe · 27/07/2024 07:51

I think that’s the issue with online interactions, you get validation from people who suffer the same issues you do. So you come away thinking it’s normal. When the reality is it’s very unhealthy , and as the pp said, also impacts other family members. It will also Impact the childrens view of social interactions where there is limited visitors, even their grandparents can’t come, without a very stressed mother, as there is no hiding that.

This, and how can you be OK with going to their homes and being hosted, where you have no control over their cleaning then?

SharonEllis · 27/07/2024 07:56

I think you need to think of your children & get some help. Boundaries are helpful, you dont need to invite people you dont like. But, Seei g people in their home will help them to socialise. Young people are so terrified of social contact post covid I think its terribly important that we actively support socialising them better.

MrsMoastyToasty · 27/07/2024 07:56

You are pushing away people you know and love.
You and your family need a certain amount of germs to build immunity.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 27/07/2024 07:58

I can totally relate. Hate it. Would rather meet people outside somewhere.

sunglassesonthetable · 27/07/2024 08:10

You are normalising bringing up your children in a home where their grand parents can't visit or see them. This is not a positive role model for them.

As your children grow I would be very surprised if you stayed comfortable allowing their random friends to visit, if you won't allow their grand parents.

Your home IS your safe place but this is not a healthy approach, particularly for your 3 young children. Kindly I would suggest therapy.

sunglassesonthetable · 27/07/2024 08:12

Remember this is like your children growing up and not allowing you into their homes.

BigMandyHarris · 27/07/2024 08:14

There’s nothing wrong with not liking having people come to visit your home, however, for the reasons you state does sound a bit OCD. I would seek help again

Midgegreenstreet · 27/07/2024 08:26

I can't understand the "my home is my safe space" comments. These are parents and family not strangers. This is really unhealthy.

We moved to a larger house last year and one reason was to be able to have visitors more easily. The other day we had friends round we hadn't seen for years and who were visiting our area. Our children got on brilliantly with theirs and arranged to see them again separately. You're denying normal social interaction to your children. Extending hospitality to others is an important part of many cultures.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 27/07/2024 08:30

A friend has diagnosed OCD, you sound like her. She’s also very messy, dirty actually but it’s HER mess. Very clean in herself but has dogs, cats, birds, works full time with two children. Husband works full time shifts, plus overtime. No time to clean🤷🏼‍♀️.

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