Is my bf a tightwad?

[Blueysotheemother]

Long story but I’ll try to cut it short. I was in a long marriage, 25 years. Amicably separated about 3ish years ago.
Ive been seeing my current ‘person’ a year in a couple of weeks. He still insists on paying half for things and has never treated me out for a meal. On his birthday I paid for theatre and a hotel. On mine I had to remind him to pay his half for the hotel, which he did. But Ainu for wanting a little more? Maybe a surprise? Some romance maybe?

Yes he is. It will only get worse unfortunately. It’s not only about money - it’s that he doesn’t have a generous spirit. I’m sure that has started to show itself in other areas of the relationship.

Others may suggest you speak to him about it, but I think this sort of thing is ingrained and even if he hears you and works on it temporarily, he’ll always go back to type and you’ll always be monitoring it and upset about it.

Sorry but I would suggest ending it while you’re only in this deep.

Unfortunately, you don't sound compatible. I would stop treating him now. You've been together for almost a year - if he was the surprising, treating type then you would have seen this behaviour by now.

Have you talked to him about this- if so, what did he say?

Yes tight. Think some people are just that way. Its not nice though.

Get rid. It'll only get worse.

Quick to make you pay your half, not so quick to hand his half over. Grim.

I think it's different having a relationship after divorce, pooling of money doesn't happen in the same way as it does in marriage. I wouldn't expect to be paid for etc and like my independence. However your bf does sound a complete tight tightwad! If you treated him on his birthday he should have done the same. I would confront him about it and tell him it makes you feel like mates rather than romantically involved.

So tight he’s squeaking. He probably takes pride in the two of you being so diligently 50/50.

CBA with tight people, they're invariably miserable.

Read this...
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5115283-being-so-tight-with-money?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Yep! He's tight OP! If you want to be loved, cherished and spoiled occasionally, it doesn't sound like he's the man to do it. So maybe now you have to decide whether you can live without romance, for the sake of companionship, or whether you still feel young enough to keep looking for Mr Right.

I don’t think he’s tight, if he’s paying half of everything. It’s not like he never gets his wallet out.

However, I don’t think he’s a demonstrative type. You want a little romance, demonstrations of his affection such as a bunch of flowers or meal out, and he’s just not this type of guy.

Have you spoken to him about your expectations and how you’d like to be treated occasionally, made a fuss of, made to feel special etc?

Thanks for your advice I feel you may be right.
lack of spontaneity and treats seems to be a thing. I do that be he doesn’t reciprocate. He says he’s just set in his ways after being freelance but I’m not sure

If you have to ask, the answer is usually YES

You’re not unreasonable at all, but trust me when I said he won’t change, if anything he will get worse

I think you’re right. I have mentioned it to him one. Or two mice and he just says ‘ you’re right, I need to be more thoughtful’

Yes, he's tight. He won't change. It doesn't matter what you do or say or what he says. He himself admitted he is set in his ways.

Do with that information what you want but by now you know you can't change a man.

Apologies, so many typos. Just had my nails done and clearly it’s affecting my typing 😂
for those of you that need a translation.
I meant to say ‘ I’ve mentioned it to him once or twice’

Why do you treat him hen he doesn’t reciprocate? I don’t think he’s being thoughtless, this feels very deliberate. I doubt he’ll change.

Yes you’re totally right. He does get his wallet out. But like you say, he knows my back story and says all the right things but never actually acts on it. It’s mostly me that arranges event stuff.
I guess our ‘anniversary’ will be the test and see if he pulls it out of the hat.
but it’s shouldn’t be a test. That’s not what relationships are about. I feel like he should plan something fun for us. Not expensive but meaningful

He is tight. This does not change it’s a way of being for some people. He would be like this if he won the lottery tomorrow. If that’s ok for you, fine. But he will not change as he sees nothing wrong.

This is happened with a friend. When she mentioned that her paying half wasn't quite fair because he always ate more food, had more drinks, etc he then really showed how tight he was...

Mean sod. That said, have you ever spoiled him the way that you'd like to be?

Either way, it causes resentment, I'd be cooling the relationship down.

Don't listen to what he says watch what he actually does, he isn't even reciprocal, you had to remind him to cover HALF of your birthday plans when you splashed out to treat him on his.

You will be disappointed on your anniversary, don't waste precious time on someone like this.

For context he is a bit younger than me and never had a serious relationship before. Recently started a proper non freelance job which is solid but still getting used to having a regular guaranteed income. I have a decent job but still supporting my youngest and paying my ex money. So I’m absolutely not flush with mortgage payments etc.
he moved back to parents house in lockdown to support him mum when grandmother died. So no real outgoings as such.
ww so love each other and the time we spend together is awesome.
sadly I feel that this can’t be a long term thing

Yes I took him to the theatre and a hotel on his birthday

Unfortunately it sounds like he is OP! Is this a dealbreaker for you?

I'm in a similar position, I've noticed it for a while. Strictly 50/50, which I often find really awkward. I'd rather it be turn taking at least, not us both splitting the bill on cards, or him sending me very precisely 9.49 or whatever after the date, it feels so miserly. My birthday is coming up and I treated him to a very good dinner and big night out for his, spent a decent chunk of money, so I feel like this is going to end up being a 'test' even though it shouldn't be, just like you said OP.

It's horrible but tbh if I don't seem some generosity, romance, spontaneity, etc especially on my birthday, then I'll either be calling time on him completely or else cooling it right off as I can't see a tightwad man as a serious long term prospect. I love to treat him when I can but I don't feel like it's as equal from him.