Is my bf a tightwad?

[Blueysotheemother]

Long story but I’ll try to cut it short. I was in a long marriage, 25 years. Amicably separated about 3ish years ago.
Ive been seeing my current ‘person’ a year in a couple of weeks. He still insists on paying half for things and has never treated me out for a meal. On his birthday I paid for theatre and a hotel. On mine I had to remind him to pay his half for the hotel, which he did. But Ainu for wanting a little more? Maybe a surprise? Some romance maybe?

Tight and lives with his mum? No ta ✋️

Well the story is he’s saving up to move out again now him mum is ok and he has a settled job again. But you’re right. Maybe I need a rethink.
it’s a shame because we get along so well and he’s perfect for me on so many ways. Just maybe after the life I had before I feel like I need to be appreciated a little. I so t think that’s unreasonable.

Lives with his mum?

So I imagine if you go out or have a night in together, he stays at yours? You feed him and he uses your shower, etc? Doesn't he ever even turn up with some food shopping, a bottle of wine, a bunch of supermarket flowers?

You are both at very different stages of life, it is a fundamental mismatch and a glaringly obvious incompatibility.

My youngest son lives with me so I wouldn’t have bf staying here, it doesn’t seem like the right thing to do.

Actually he is the most matched person I’ve ever dated. Similar likes, values, etc and we are both in a state of transition so not as mid matched as you might think.

as a previous poster said maybe I’m just feeling like I would like to shown that I am loved, cherished etc and that’s what’s missing.
I know I can’t change o people and wouldn’t want to. So maybe I know now this can’t be a thing.

He’s tight and you don’t want to be with someone like that, you can do better.

I do think it’s tight to only go 50:50 because it means he’s only ever paying for himself. He’s not prepared to spend a fiver of his own money on you. Keeping such tight tabs like after nearly a year is ridiculous.

You're not unreasonable, you want what you want....you won't change him though so you need to decide now whether it's a dealbreaker for you

So o think I have my answer. I’m happy being on my own, enjoy my own space etc. was just. Wanting to find someone who would add to my life. And he does in so many ways but I feel that this could be a deal breaker so I guess it will just run its course

In my world and in my country men pay and have to be ready to pay for everything. OK, she earns well and does not need to be home due to doing her own childcare, she will sit with you and have a chat with you and if you love each other, you will share things and money.

Such men are losers and will never meet a nice woman. Let them take their whole lot, money and all and be the closet onecars that they are.

Totally agree. People's attitudes re money don't change

He still insists on paying half for things and has never treated me out for a meal.

Paying half when going out is fine but never treated you to a meal?

He's miserly. Says it all about his character.

Dump. He's no future man to get hitched to. He'll expect you to carry the load while supermarket shopping together.

Rule 1
Never date a tightwad

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who rigidly only paid for their part of any date and who would accept generous gifts with no intention of reciprocating even if only in terms of thoughtfulness rather than cost. So I wouldn’t have fallen in love with someone like that but you have and apart from that it sounds like a good and fun relationship. So rather than throw all the good away because of one issue, could you live with 50:50 on dates trips etc and just not bother with gifts because I think you are always going to be disappointed.

Don’t ever live with him though because that niggardly attitude to money just doesn’t work with domestic life

@Blueysotheemother could you perhaps talk about doing things differently now you are becoming more long term (anniversary coming up after all)?

DP and I take approximate turns to pay, food/petrol/entrance fees to places etc, it all works out pretty even over time! (sometimes a steak dinner, sometimes a light lunch, etc) We don’t focus on precise amounts as we both like to be generous to each other…even though DP is a very careful man overall in life, he loves to make me feel cherished and always has done.

It doesn’t have to be costly to show you care - turning up with a picnic blanket and a thermos and wanting to spend an afternoon just talking and relaxing together, for example. Basically - does he make you feel that he puts effort in to seeing you smile? A surprise of a new book by your favourite author? Favourite bar of chocolate when it’s TOTM? A nice ice cream on an hot day? Anything like that?

He's probably on reddit fat fire sub where they congratulate each other for hoarding cash!

This stood out for me....

maybe I’m just feeling like I would like to shown that I am loved, cherished etc and that’s what’s missing.
I know I can’t change o people and wouldn’t want to. So maybe I know now this can’t be a thing.

Absolutely people can change - if they want to... and he may well want to, as he clearly enjoys being in a relationship with you. Stark choice is that he is going to lose you if he doesnt change - why take that choice away from him? (Perhaps dont put it like that...)

If you are so compatible, I wouldn't give up without at least trying... have a proper conversation about this, how it makes you feel etc... Perhaps even ask him to read this thread. It may be as simple as he is not used to doing it like t his (role models, growing up etc) and not particularly observant (hasn't noticed this is what others do)....

So is it worth throwing away a good relationship which you enjoy, without seeing if it can be something more?

Perhaps think of three key things - perhaps drawing from the ones flagged above (great post @MrsTartanTeacosy )

DP and I take approximate turns to pay, food/petrol/entrance fees to places etc, it all works out pretty even over time! (sometimes a steak dinner, sometimes a light lunch, etc) We don’t focus on precise amounts as we both like to be generous to each other…even though DP is a very careful man overall in life, he loves to make me feel cherished and always has done.

It doesn’t have to be costly to show you care - turning up with a picnic blanket and a thermos and wanting to spend an afternoon just talking and relaxing together, for example. Basically - does he make you feel that he puts effort in to seeing you smile? A surprise of a new book by your favourite author? Favourite bar of chocolate when it’s TOTM? A nice ice cream on an hot day? Anything like that?

So perhaps consider telling him how you feel and saying lets try a few things and see how we both feel about them...
eg. taking turns to pay as general rule, without being pernicketty
doing a couple of lovely things for each other each week, big or small

And talk about it as you go along - how it makes you/ him feel etc... You'll get to know each other better, can have fun doing it ... and equally find out fast if he's not up for it, then he isn't the one for you!! And you may find he really enjoys it....

Good luck!!

Lack of generosity is a most unappealing trait

I had a bf just like this, he never once gave me a showing of love, dumped him and got with another guy who 3 months later on valentines sent me a massive bunch of roses, chocolate and a dominos delivery for dinner ( we were long distance) and i was shocked because i wasn't used to it. Hes now my husband 😂

Unless his mum has a physical disability or mental health difficulty I can guarantee that he moved back with his mum to get HER support for himself. I have heard this excuse a few times!!

I did wonder why he moved home as well. Seems odd. Where was he v living before? Did he have a house or rent?

he rented before, pays his parents rent now

Thank you everyone for your super helpful replies. You’ve all basically confirmed my doubts. I’ll guess we will have to see what the anniversary does or does not bring! 😂