DS. ex is pregnant (19)

[Claretmum]

I'm not sure what I'm asking here...I think I just wanted to reach out.

DS has revealed that his ex-girlfriend (both 19) is pregnant. She is two/three weeks gone. She already has one baby from another relationship and they have both decided that they do not want to keep this baby. She suffered badly with PND whixh my son helped her with. Therefore they have an appointment tomorrow for a medical termination. I support their decision as do her parents.

They broke up a while ago and it appears this has happened after a get together three weeks ago...🙄 he thought she was still on the pill but he accepts that he should have taken precautions. She's a nice enough girl but a bit fiery hence the split.

I'm just in complete shock by it all. Husband hadn't taken it well and has headed to the pub as they clash at the best of times.

DS is not having a good run so far this year - crashed his new car a month ago...feels like one thing after another with him.

He's a hard working pleasant lad and it just feels like everything is going wrong at the moment.

I'm just not sure what I can offer in the situation and how do I calm DH down? He accuses me of thinking DS can do no wrong and that I choose his side everyrime.

Thanks for reading xx

Why on earth would you do this to someone who could have just kept it all completely secret? Opposite of what to do if you want your son to keep talking to you OP.

I’m pretty sure that being irresponsible is in the job description for 19 year olds!

I think your dh is being a prat. Your son sounds like a decent lad who's taking care of the people around him. I agree I'd be a bit dubious about who is the other party in the pregnancy but that's not really relevant. He's taking responsibility and supporting somebody he cares about at a hard time.
I would tell dh to button it and I'd concentrate on protecting your son's mental health as much as you can. He needs you to be calm and loving and non judgemental.

Exactly op. Plenty of full grown adults slip and have one off unprotected sex. Most of them get away with it. Some just end up with an extra kid to love. Some abort. Some end up screwing up their lives. But it isn't a sign of immaturity to get caught. It's now - how they deal with it - that shows their maturity or not. He's standing by her and supporting her to do what's best for her and her existing child. And he told you. He hasn't lied. I think that actually means you did good raising him.

They have been friends since 13. You really think if a teenage girl gets pregnant all her friends should dessert her? Or just the male ones less she uses her low morals to trap them? 🙄

I think the main thing from this is to ensure DS takes the lesson. Due to his carelessness he is partially responsible for a woman having to have an unpleasant and potentially distressing experience. And he has got off very lightly. Next time he may be required to support a child for the next 18+ years. I think all you can do is make sure this doesn't get lost in his relief at 'problem solved'.

She is fiery is a perfectly reasonable observation.
She has a child already was context to the situation - she's sensibly concentrating on her existing child and aware she previously had PNS
2-3 weeks pregnant - op acknowledged she also new early and needs to stop questioning it.
Of course her post is going to be about her irrational husband and supporting her son. It wouldn't be appropriate to start one asking how she should interfere with her son's ex would it? Op has said she AND HE knows he should have used protection.

Deffo, I agree with this entirely

It might be someone else's, was my first thought too. Could it be confirmed, post termination even, the gestational age? Who is paying for the termination?

I’m planting the idea with my son to get a vasectomy at 18, Thank goodness it’s being resolved, For everyone, including the first child

@MumOnBus this was July last year.
The matter has been done and dusted 🤷🏻‍♀️ not sure how you expect them to DNA test 10 months later 😂

Well wheres the drama in that 🙄

What does your husband want? Does he disagree with the termination? Not his decision. Or is he wanting some sort of “punishment” for your son?

Oh dear, OP, so sorry! I don't know why this thread popped up as if it was new. I hope my comment wasn't triggering. I should've noted the date. Hopefully it all was resolved well. So sorry your family had to go through this upheaval.

In any case, my comment was not to do DNA testing, just asking whwther they could find out exactly how far along the pregnancy actually was, at the point of termination.

Oh dear. What a pickle. Hopefully after your son goes with her to the termination appointment he will do a few things:

1. Get himself tested for STDs/HIV/Hepatitis etc etc given he had unprotected sex someone he wasn't actually then in a relationship with - he needs to that both for his and also any future partner's protection.
2. If he's done with a relationship with this girl and she is fine after the termination then they clearly seem to need a cooling off period. No-contact can work wonders.
3. He should ask for a copy of the termination confirmation in writing so that he can avoid any future attempts to claim that there was actually a child and that he is the father. Sad to say but people do lie about getting terminations. They also may lie about who they've be having sex with - for your son knows he was just one of a variety of people she was having sex with at the time he had sex with her and neglected to wear protection.
4. Learn how to exercise self control and also to learn about just how haggard STDs are!!

. Edited as didn't realise zombie thread

Oh dear! Ooops, this must have been a zombie thread that was brought back to life. Ah well. Alas there are, no doubt, plenty of mums who have having the exact same drama with their teenage sons...so the advice might be helpful even if it's not the OP who needs it any more.

Just be glad they have decided on a termination. Your ds needs to wake up and make better choices. Being with a barley adult girl who already has a child and seems unstable is not a good choice. I would also be livid with him.

Sorry that you're going through this, op. Any one of us with teen sons (who have gfs) could find ourselves in this position. It is upsetting for everyone involved, but it looks like the two of them are taking responsibility and handling the situation together, as they should. That's something to be grateful for.

My advice to my boys when they fuck up is to take responsibility and LEARN from it. We all mess up; but they key is to own it, don't lay blame, don't try to ignore it, don't lie about it. It sounds like he's done this (so many wouldn't, sadly) so you can at least feel proud of him for that, you must have done a good job bringing him up.

I found out i was pregnant 4 days before my period was due so that’s 3ish weeks

Everyone is an adult here. DS and has girlfriend are dealing with their problem, and you need to leave DH to deal with his. There's not really anything for you to do so I (respectfully) don't really understand what you're asking?

If you're just looking to offload, that's understandable and I hope all goes well. I have a 12yo and I'm very apprehensive about hitting the teenage years!

Zombie!

Yes, with my first, I tested at 10 days past ovulation and got a positive. So I knew a full four days before my period was due.

But I think people only tend to test like that if they are actively TTC. I can't imagine you would for an unexpected mistake.

I wonder why he is telling you this, given that they've both decided really quickly to have a termination? Surely it's info that could and should be kept private and on a need to know basis?

My guess is that this termination isn't going to happen and they are setting up a narrative where they break it to you that in spite of all the reasons not to go ahead, she just couldn't bring herself to do it. So that you go a bit less ballistic than you might have done when told 'the 19 yo ex with another child already and PND is having my baby.'