DS. ex is pregnant (19)

[Claretmum]

I'm not sure what I'm asking here...I think I just wanted to reach out.

DS has revealed that his ex-girlfriend (both 19) is pregnant. She is two/three weeks gone. She already has one baby from another relationship and they have both decided that they do not want to keep this baby. She suffered badly with PND whixh my son helped her with. Therefore they have an appointment tomorrow for a medical termination. I support their decision as do her parents.

They broke up a while ago and it appears this has happened after a get together three weeks ago...🙄 he thought she was still on the pill but he accepts that he should have taken precautions. She's a nice enough girl but a bit fiery hence the split.

I'm just in complete shock by it all. Husband hadn't taken it well and has headed to the pub as they clash at the best of times.

DS is not having a good run so far this year - crashed his new car a month ago...feels like one thing after another with him.

He's a hard working pleasant lad and it just feels like everything is going wrong at the moment.

I'm just not sure what I can offer in the situation and how do I calm DH down? He accuses me of thinking DS can do no wrong and that I choose his side everyrime.

Thanks for reading xx

This depends on where you live.
we scan first to confirm pregnancy and dates.
we've had several I over the years who are very wrong with their dates and much further (so can't have tablets - or past termination cut off) or have had ectopics.

Yeah I would let that go tbh. This girl doesn't gain anything by lying about a pregnancy that she's terminating anyway. She would have to actually be pregnant for the appt to go ahead and honestly, it sounds likely to be DS's and either way it teaches him a good lesson.

Very kind, thoughtful comment. Nothing to be gained by blaming son and exGF for not using condoms etc.
OP, you are obviously very caring and want to support them. Your H is obviously hurt and angry which is understandable. This is difficult for all. Love and support are required, not judgements. This is the price of parenthood, I talk from experience. This could happen to anyone

If by 'taking his side' your husband means giving him support and love and not kicking him when he's already down, isn't that what we do as parents? I was pregnant at 18, my parents were obviously not thrilled but they supported me and my now DH and were absolutely brilliant grandparents. Whatever happens with your son, he needs to know you'll always have his back! Give your DH a verbal kick up the a*se!

I don't think I like the tone of this. She is fiery hence the split so the break up was her fault.

She has a child already - judging are you. Because your DS has proven himself as irresponsible as her.

Yes you can know you are 2-3 weeks pregnant - clearblue digital tests literally say 1-2 weeks pregnant on the screen.

The whole first post is poor DS look what this bad woman has done to him.

I think you know its rarely one person's fault and seeing as your DS had sex with an ex with no condom he's pretty irresponsible

It sounds like they were irresponsible and now they're dealing with the consequences appropriately.

Let DH go be angry and cool off. When you talk to each other, don't minimize it - your DS wasn't unlucky, rather he did something foolish and in fact he's fortunate that he and his partner are on the same page about termination.

But I'd also point out to DH that your DS realizes his mistake and is clearly aware he's not ready to be a father. Those are good things. There are consequences to his actions and he's already dealing with them, so you and DH don't need to minimize them but also don't need to pile on by jumping into lectures and "I told you sos." My father was like that, where his way of dealing with any blunder my siblings or I made was to rant/lecture repetitively (and heap on unconnected punishments when we were younger). It ultimately just felt like he was rubbing our nose in every mistake and the natural result was that we all avoided him finding out about anything, often exacerbating problems for ourselves in the process.

"You're right, DS, not using a condom was foolish and could have been a life-changing choice. I'm relieved [partner] and you are in agreement about termination and proud of you for not leaving her to deal termination on her own."

You don't and can't know that.

Of course the timings work - they had sex three weeks ago, meaning she would be five weeks pregnant now…

Yes you can know you are 2-3 weeks pregnant - clearblue digital tests literally say 1-2 weeks pregnant on the screen.

You can’t know at 2-3 weeks. Two weeks is when you ovulate. Three weeks is when implantation happens. When a Clearblue test says 1-2 weeks, you add on two weeks, meaning you are 3-4 weeks pregnant at that stage.

OP’s DS and his ex had sex three weeks ago. Assuming she was ovulating at the time, she’s five weeks pregnant now. Perfectly plausible to have got a positive test and booked an appointment.

If they only had sex three weeks ago, this is about the earliest she would be testing positive.

Not at all! It would be most unusual to only find out at 21dpo, when tests are generally positive from 9dpo onwards, and a missed period would be noted at 14dpo.

She has a child already at 19! Your DS needs to stay away from her

Please pardon if any of what I've written is inaccurate. I did wonder about contraindications such as ectopics. I'm in Hampshire but work in Surrey and have had staff dealing with clinics in both counties and occasionally Berkshire as well but can't recall what their protocols were.

I don’t get why your husband has gone off on one.

Your son and ex have created a baby but they do not wish to proceed with the pregnancy as their relationship is no more and they aren’t in a position to raise a child.

They’re being mature and are taking responsibility. They actually sound better than a lot of 19 year olds.

Bar the contraceptive failure… I would tend to side with your son there - the ex had always been known to be on the pill, she will have known she wasn’t at the time they had sex and the risk involved… it appears your son didn’t which wasn’t fair.

Again. They are being mature and are taking responsibility now.

Don’t be too hard on him. Abortions are hard and he will have to live with this for the rest of his life. He needs parental support.

He accuses me of thinking DS can do no wrong and that I choose his side everyrime.

By the tone of your post, I'm getting the feeling your DH is right. Loads of judgment of the poor girl and none for your DS...she's the one that has to go through the whole thing, not him.

I think you are doing what you can to support your ds. That’s all any parent can do.
If the pregnancy was going to continue, I would personally be advising my ds to have dna testing. They had broken up so weren’t in an exclusive relationship and ( unless I’ve misunderstood), had casual sex . So there is no knowing whether they have done this with someone else too. But as the plan is for an abortion anyway, that is a discussion that isn’t needed. Instead of venting his frustration by attacking your actions, dh should have a proper conversation with his ds about avoiding this in the future.

All my pregnancies I've tested clearly positive at 9-10 DPO, which was also 9/10 days after we had sex. By 3 weeks post sex I'd be very sick and over a week late for my period.

You can't get an abortion in the uk without them visualising the pregnancy in the uterus and I'm sure there's something about seeing a heart beat?

She can't get an abortion before 6 weeks

Well nobody knows when they are 2or 3 weeks pregnant.. So is she having ds on?

About 20 years ago I went from Ireland to England for a termination. I took a test because I had been vomiting for 4 days straight, couldn't keep down water. Thought it was a bug at first but my boobs were killing me.
Very positive test, then it took just over 2 weeks from that moment to actually get to England.
Before the procedure they did the relevant tests and said I was 5-6 weeks. So not only did I know at 3 weeks, I had severe morning sickness too plus other symptoms.

@Claretmum from my experience I found out around 3- 4 weeks and phoned same day to book an initial call which I had a few days later then depending on dates etc they either send you pills out or you go to a clinic which I did for a scan as must have answered something that flagged I needed to go in. I think it was probably around 5-6 weeks by the time I had done calls and appointments but it wasn’t quick.

That’s not true. You don’t need a heartbeat. See my other post I was around 5 weeks. They could basically see the formation of a sac and that was enough. A lot of the time the prescribe without scanning as well and you get it in the post so def no need to visualise it or see a heartbeat

The lad is her son, what do you expect? She’s already said she’s disappointed in him for not using a condom so what more do you want? Unfortunately, we can’t control the actions of our 19 year olds, but this one sounds like he’s doing the right thing by facing the consequences of his mistake.

I don’t understand why DH has got his knickers in a twist and stormed off? He sounds a bit pathetic and immature tbh.

Obviously it’s a sad situation, but it’s being addressed in a sensible way, so what’s his problem?

Or was he just looking for an excuse to swan off to the pub?

Not slagging her off for everything. Even the break up was her fault as she is fiery.

She wasn't so bad he didn't go back for sex though

Does you DH have a habit of making everything about himself so he can knob off down the pub wallowing into his pint glass? and they say women are the hysterical/ emotional ones.....

Sounds like they both made an impulsive/unthinking choice in the heat of the moment (teenagers do that at times despite our very best efforts to help them grow up to make sound choices). There have been consequences, they've talked about it, decided how to proceed and are maturely dealing with it together. No need for over coddling nor conversely heaps of shaming/punishing type telling offs.

I'd rather say "you guys messed up there, but I'm impressed with how maturely you're both dealing with it. If you need to talk at all, you know where i am"

I'd not be storming off down the pub that's for sure.

God Almighty, how prejudiced and judgemental