Competitive friend

[the7Vabo]

I have a friend that is very competitive about everything. It’s never been a massive issue between us as she mainly directs it at a girl she grew up with. She has a lot of self awareness about it and will often refer to the fact that she likes to be doing better than X etc.

Im fairly laid back about certain things, I’m not massively driven so mostly it’s never caused an issue between us.

My friend will often refer to how good looking she is, how thin she is etc. Most of the time I don’t care.

Recently it has caused a couple of issues. The first is both me & my husband have put on weight in middle age. Neither of us are happy about it. My friend has managed to refer to it a couple of times which has been hurtful but I try to block it out.

The bigger issue for me is that almost every time we talk she spends a lot of tike talking about our kids ages. My kids are 6.5 & 4. Hers are 5 and nearly 3.5. When 4 year old was barley a toddler my friend was very keen to tell me repeatedly that I no longer had a baby. She kept saying “you’re done with babyhood.” She now refers to her 3.5 year old as just out of babyhood. There is 9 months between the two of them. In our most recent conversation she acted shocked that my younger child had turned 4 and said “your kids are middle aged now”.

I know this sounds silly but this has been almost every conversation for about 2 years / my youngest is still a baby etc. If it was anyone else I wouldn’t think much of it but because it comes from a place of competition - like ha I have a baby/young cute kids and you have old kids I find it annoying. The tone is very dismissive as well - oh but your kids are so old, you’re life must be so easy. (I’m bloody exhausted). Anyways back to my cute little babies.

What I’m hoping for is any suggestions about how to shut this conversation down and get the point across. I don’t want a row about it, I just don’t want to listen it any more. Humour would be good.

Your friend sounds really irritating going on about how attractive she is all the time.

Try 'So you keep saying '.

Your boy is middle aged!

So you keep saying Jan.

Change subject.

Another one might be, 'You keep bringing that up. Any reason why?'

To just bring attention to it.

She sounds very insecure. Presumably she has good points? I have distanced myself from people like this, as I can't be doing with the smugness and stealth-boasting.

This is just odd.

Say such idiotic things back to her and let her get her knickers in a twist and give the twinkly laugh. Or (as I would do in your situation) end the friendship (send her a message saying you want to end it because your family are doing so well and are so happy and and have outgrown her and hers. Goodbye 😆)

Why don’t you just say it straight? ‘Funny how my 2yr old was an old child and your 3yr old was a baby, don’t you think?’ Or ‘Do you refer to my kids as older because you’re concerned yours are particularly immature for their age?’

Just because she says something doesn't mean it's true. Don't take the comments to heart. What does it matter if she thinks your kids are old? I thought my 18 month old was old when I brought DC2 home from hospital, but that just was a relative feeling at the time.

"You're really going out if your way to piss me off lately - what's your problem"?

Tell her straight the things you've said here. She'll either apologise and pack it in, or defend herself somehow so you can tell her to fuck off.

Don't just take it and seethe.

Thanks so much for all your replies.

Im annoyed at myself that I can’t dismiss it/laugh it off.

I worry that if I’m too direct it will end in a major row which I don’t want. I ve known her for a long time and I don’t have so many long time friends that I’d be happy to lose one.

But I am annoyed - it’s the my kids are cute little darlings and your are old/irrelevant. I ended up snapping yesterday after the “middle aged” comment followed by her saying she has “just come out of baby stage” about her 3.5 year old. It’s like she’s aggressively insisting constantly that her kids are younger and therefore cuter/more worthy of discussion, she is a mum of young kids and I’m not type thing in almost every conversation. I could tell she was annoyed. But I don’t get why she brings it up constantly like she insists that I have to know/acknowledge this.

The constant talk of it would be hurtful if my kids were 13 & 15 as I’d still want to talk about them. The fact that they’re not sort of adds to it.

I know this is a first world problem btw!

I’d probably avoid her like the plague tbh but if you want to join in the pass agg bullshit you could refer to yourself as a vastly experienced mom and say things like “oh you’ll find out in a year or two when you’ve been doing this for a bit longer” while smiling smugly.

Just tell her.

"Your like heartburn, you keep repeating yourself.

She sounds draining, with the constant point scoring.

I would tell her straight, something along the lines of “Look here Jan I know you feel very competitive with Brenda but I thought our friendship was better than that so can you pack in the competitive crap with the kids please” Personally I would prefer @BMW6 response as it’s more direct but you know your friend best. You need to nip this in the bud as this situation will escalate into other areas not just the children, you need to let her know you won’t tolerate it.

I think I will try a gentle conversation about it, saying look I’ve no wish to be competitive.

I just had a flashback to an incident when I was thinking about this. My daughter was physically attacked by an autistic child at a BBQ we were all at a couple of summers ago. My daughter was 2 and my friend’s older child was nearly 3. Someone in work said to me that autistic children can find toddlers quite triggering (noise etc). I just happened to mention that to my friend conversationally and she got really funny and started saying her older child was there what would be the difference between her and my child. In my head I was like FFS I’m literally telling you my child was really upset and the mother of the austistic child was really upset and I was empathising with how difficult it must be for that mother and she snapped at me that her 3 year old (who was inside at the time) was also a toddler.

Same with my now 4 year old daughter’s birthday. She didn’t ask me anything about her, if she had a party etc, just “oh your kids are so middle aged now!”

Its like my kids can’t be acknowledged as they somehow take away from her kids.

This woman is clearly not a friend! You do not treat friends like this. Why have you not ditched her yet?

Why are you friends with her though? She sounds openly self obsessed (her children are just extensions of herself) and full of put downs. Wouldn't you be happier if you dodged her and hung out with other friends?

It’s not about your kids or her kids. It’s vanity. Her kids are young and cute because they are an extension of her, and she is young and cute.

Just roll your eyes and say oh Jan what are you like ? Or You say such weird stuff at times Jan ( you daft mare)

Why do you want to be friends with her, she sounds pretty awful

Thanks you for all your replies. You know when you just need to get something off your chest. I feel better already!

I do understand why people are asking why I’m friends with her. I’m lucky in that I have a best friend who is a friend in the truest sense of the word to the extent that if I won the lottery I know she’d be happy (and I’d happily share).

This other friend I’ve known for a very long time and to me that shared history matters. She is great fun and to be fair when things are going badly she can be very supportive.

i think to be fair she is fond of me in her way. But I don’t think I’ve ever really triggered her in terms of feeling competitive. There has sort of always been a dynamic that she’s gorgeous and I’m the less attractive wing man. I never minded most of the time although there were times when I did.
I also have friends who are incredibly good looking to the point that they were hired for jobs for their looks and it’s never once come up in conversation.

But for some reason the kids thing really triggers me. I wish I could let it go but I can feel my blood pressure rising when she talks about it. One time I got the age gap between our oldest two mixed up and said there was 15 months between them, when there’s actually 18. She got really angry and snapped. So she obviously feels triggered by me and that I am somehow taking away from her kids being little kids. Yet she’s the one telling me my 2 year old isn’t a baby and saying my kids are middle aged kids.

Im mad about my kids, I feel so lucky to have them. Maybe that’s why it’s so triggering. They are the most important thing in my life and I feel that’s being dismissed I guess.

Sorry for length.

She sounds deeply unpleasant and quite nastily dismissive of your children.

I think most women have far too much loyalty to their children to tolerate such petty behaviour.

I think it is very strange that you want to maintain a friendship with someone who behaves like that about your small children.

I thought it would pass tbh, I thought sure let’s just get past the young kids stage and the age thing will fade away. There is obviously a big difference between an 18 month old and a newborn but it’s not as significant when they are older so I thought it would just stop being a topic of conversation. Now it feels like it will never end.

I also feels that she senses it annoys me but instead of letting it go she amps it up.

Yes, it’s not that she’s competitive, it’s that she’s unbelievably boring. Who wants to be around someone who’s like a broken record about how young her children are? I mean, what’s really going on there? Is she afraid of them needing her less or something?

She's really not your friend.
I think you need to be blunt and a bit rude tbh.

Yes yes don't worry your children are better than mine in every way, you win at children, congratulations. Can you change the record now or would you like it in writing?

Will you ever just shut the fuck up about your weird perception of the kids ages, noone cares.

Give that a try

You make a good point. It is boring.

What is she afraid of? Hmmm, Id say not winning at something. And this is important tor her to win at.

Is there something particularly triggering about my kids? Im not sure. They are a boy girl and her husband is disappointed they didn’t have a boy but I don’t think she is. My daughter has always been small for her age and she places a lot of value on body shape and has talked about one of her girls being on the bigger side but I don’t think it’s that either. I think it’s more that it’s similar to her talking about how tiny she is, she just has to win at things, it’s part of who she is. She says as much herself, particularly about the girl she grew up with she has to be doing better than her.

Im also a bit annoyed at myself. I know what she’s like and for some reason I can’t just let it go. Im like bloody let her win, it doesn’t actually affect my kids in any way. There are still here healthy and thriving. One of her other friends she grew up with manages her very well, she laughs it off saying stuff like “you’re the fairest of them all” or whatever. As far as I can tell that’s the only way to handle her that actually works.

Just say ‘boring’ in a tongue in cheek exasperated manner each time she goes on. Then change the topic of conversation ‘ah did you see the new Netflix film’

Tbh I would find something my dc could so better than hers and milk it at every opportunity...