Competitive friend

[the7Vabo]

I have a friend that is very competitive about everything. It’s never been a massive issue between us as she mainly directs it at a girl she grew up with. She has a lot of self awareness about it and will often refer to the fact that she likes to be doing better than X etc.

Im fairly laid back about certain things, I’m not massively driven so mostly it’s never caused an issue between us.

My friend will often refer to how good looking she is, how thin she is etc. Most of the time I don’t care.

Recently it has caused a couple of issues. The first is both me & my husband have put on weight in middle age. Neither of us are happy about it. My friend has managed to refer to it a couple of times which has been hurtful but I try to block it out.

The bigger issue for me is that almost every time we talk she spends a lot of tike talking about our kids ages. My kids are 6.5 & 4. Hers are 5 and nearly 3.5. When 4 year old was barley a toddler my friend was very keen to tell me repeatedly that I no longer had a baby. She kept saying “you’re done with babyhood.” She now refers to her 3.5 year old as just out of babyhood. There is 9 months between the two of them. In our most recent conversation she acted shocked that my younger child had turned 4 and said “your kids are middle aged now”.

I know this sounds silly but this has been almost every conversation for about 2 years / my youngest is still a baby etc. If it was anyone else I wouldn’t think much of it but because it comes from a place of competition - like ha I have a baby/young cute kids and you have old kids I find it annoying. The tone is very dismissive as well - oh but your kids are so old, you’re life must be so easy. (I’m bloody exhausted). Anyways back to my cute little babies.

What I’m hoping for is any suggestions about how to shut this conversation down and get the point across. I don’t want a row about it, I just don’t want to listen it any more. Humour would be good.

I would remind her that there is only 9 months difference & that means in 9 months time her child(ren) will also be 'middle-aged'! Also, maybe she's envious because yours (being slightly okder) will reach milestones first & therefore have 'beaten' her children. Totally ridiculous ofcourse but just a thought! Competitive friendships are exhausting.

Why are you friends with her? She sounds annoying and stupid. Ditch her and find some normal friends.

To be clear I haven’t ever found her nastiness funny when aimed at either me or other people. I appreciate my posts might be confusing in that respect.

For example that weight comment about her friend you mentioned, I remember it so clearly because I was angry about it. I didn’t say anything on that occasion because I’m not teeny tiny myself and I know her well enough to know that she’d have dismissed anything I said as jealousy. Sort of like when they say don’t let the school yard bully know they’ve gotten to you.

I understand you don’t want to lose an old friend - but she sounds bloody awful. Life is too short to put up with people like this, especially when you have a genuine best friend.

If you want to try humour I’d go with the middle aged comment. Constantly refer to your kids like they really are in their 40s. Oh Delilah wouldn’t go to sleep last night, I’m guessing she’s in peri menopause, being so middle aged.

I think it's time you were blunt with her tbh. If she's self aware then she needs to be properly told.

To be honest I'm not seeing the need for any of this drama. If a "friend" of mine said my kids were middle aged I'd ask what on earth they were talking about, and to any comparisons I'd remind them there is literally nine months between the kids and to stop being so ridiculous. I wouldn't be "triggered" by it or bang on about it. She sounds like a pain in the arse and I couldn't be bothered being friends with her, but there's something odd in the way you're responding to all this too.

Have you decided what you're going to do about it?

Please nip this in the bud now.
When her children start school she will be unbearable!

Your ‘friend’ has real problems with her conversational subject matter, how she processes her thoughts, and how she expresses them.

It’s lovely to have old friends, people you have known through all the earlier stages of your overlapping lives. However it can also warp your sense of loyalty.
Is that shared history now being placed above all other concerns? Have you allowed it stop you from fully reassessing your current feelings about her behaviour to yourself, and more importantly her reaction to your children going forward?
How long will it be before they start to be aware of her attitude towards them and feel uncomfortable about it?

Try to be completely honest with yourself, if you had a more recent friendship with her, would you find her attitude intolerable?

It would be admirable to have an honest conversation with her about it. But ultimately, if she can’t accept how toxic and tedious she is being, (and sadly there is a good chance she won’t) - be prepared to let your old friendship go.

Why on earth would you stay friends with someone so odd ?
Her competitiveness will only get worse when the children go to school.
I'd gradually fade out of the "friendship"
She upsets you.
Who needs such drama in their life ?

Yeah sounds like she's deeply insecure about getting older/being seen as "only" a Mum or something so she has to make her experience so validating - so she puts you down to make herself feel better.

A twat, basically.

Clearly an attention seeker. Also an element of low self esteem. She wants your approval to confirm she looks great. Now she seems to be on the 'my kids are better than yours' stage.

Move on from this nonsense. She is all about her. Find another friend'.

She sounds nuts. "Middle aged kids" - WTF?

I think your comment is spot on regarding "queen of all castles". That's not only what she wants/expects to be but she seems to be really anxious about losing her place, a bit like the queen in snow white. No wonder she gets told "you are the fairest".

She sounds utterly self absorbed though, can't even have a normal conversation without obsessing about her top ranking! I don't think I could bear her company.

The insisting her kids are so young/babyish is a bit odd. Must competitive parents are desperate to tell everyone how advanced their entirely ordinary children are.

Start pointing out babies and smaller children and point out how elderly her children are in comparison. When she gets sniffy, remind her that that's what she's always like with yours.

You say you think she notices her comments annoy you, and instead of backing off, she amps it up. So she's intentionally trying to upset you. And you think she's a friend?
She doesn't see you as a friend, you are simply a narcissist's supply. Any good thing she's done for you is to give you just enough to keep you hanging on, and/or to feed her ego.
I understand you have this shared history, but I would be making sure my friendship with her is history. People who consistently attempt to cause negative feelings are not people I want in my life.

Sounds like the opposite situation with my MIL. SIL’s child was 9 months older than my first and wow, all the comments about mine being ‘behind’! Never younger, just ‘behind’.
It doesn’t stop, SIL’s child has hit puberty earlier and MIL is now constantly making comments, now not just to me, but to my son as well.

With your friend being so competitive, maybe she feels that yours are ‘ahead’ and is trying to negate it with the all the ‘older being bad’ comments. I know how irritating this comparison behaviour is, having endured it myself but honestly it will not stop, so you either take a step back or endure it with as much grace as you can muster.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?
I take it her 4 year old didn’t become middle aged like yours did? Her 3.5 year old won’t be middle aged at 4 either. Friends don’t make digs all the time and you’re encouraging and enabling her, even normalising it by accepting it.
She is beyond toxic. I pity her children.

She is great fun and to be fair when things are going badly she can be very supportive

I bet she can. Because she's pleased that things are going badly for you and she can step in and be the saviour. Another way in which she 'wins'.

She sounds deeply annoying and boring. I've never heard anyone call a small child 'middle-aged'. Wtf?!

She’s sounds very insecure and perhaps lacks self worth. I’d just flip it in the head each time she says something about your child being ‘old’ and positively agree ‘I know, I’m so glad I’m out of the nappy stage’ or ‘it’s amazing how much they learn and grow in such a small space of time’ and if you want to give her a taste of her own medicine maybe add something like ‘don’t worry you’re little one will catch up soon’ or ‘not long before you’ll experience for yourself soon enough’. She’ll soon stop when she realised she hasn’t (and can’t) have one up on you.

I think you are a great friend btw. Your friend has her own issues but you are there to support her and not take them personally as deep down you know it’s not you, it’s her.

This definitely.

And they wear you down slowly and surely. This kind of person is really screwed up and makes you question yourself and reality. It is gaslighting. Even if she doesn't do it on purpose she can't help it and will not change. You cannot help her. This is who she is.
Ask yourself OP, why do you think having a friend like this can be good for you and your self-esteem?

Could the competition be that she can see you're never fussed by anything she has to say in relation to competition and she wants to intentionally trigger you, so she has won on the sense of being able to get your back up about something when you're usually so level headed?

Could be way off the mark with this, but just trying to understand what her point is of keep going on about it. Your children will always be older than hers. Perhaps there's something in the attention you had before she was pregnant and she's trying to claim that attention back in the younger child stakes.

This does seem very odd, but I am interested in the psychology behind her actions. Can only assume whilst outwardly she seems happy, inside must be a different story.

I have a friend like this - not the same subjects, but the same type of behaviour. She's quite a together, confident person, so the perpetual need to compare herself to others, reassuring herself that she's better at X or Y always feels odd.
I guess it usually comes down to some form of insecurity and is a hard habit to shift.
I would either grey rock the comments when they're made, or pick her up on specific ones at the time ("That sounds a bit competitive, was it meant to?" type thing). If you try and have a general word about it, it's too easy to minimise or deny.

It won’t pass. She has low self esteem and a desperate need to feel superior to everyone , which she can only achieve by insulting and trying to demean others to boost her own ego. It’s narcissism , and only gets worse with age. Can’t be helped, can’t be cured. The worse she can make you feel, the better she feels about herself. She will pick on the children as they grow up. Toxic toxic toxic, yet narcs can play the victim to get sympathy and keep people on side by being nice some of the time. That’s a game to them . They do lack empathy but have cognitive empathy…they have watched and learned how they should react to appear empathetic. You should distance yourself for your children’s sake, as they will feel the jibes as they grow up and become more aware

Ditch her and find some new friends who aren’t dicks.

This 💯