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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if we just go and get married and don't bother having anyone there after all?

67 replies

bohemianbint · 13/04/2008 19:24

I started this thread a bit ago, which details what we're thinking of doing, namely we want to get get married for practical reasons asap, but have a baby due in August and are skint, so wanted to have a party a year and a day afterwards for family and friends.

DP proposed today and we told my parents that we're thinking of doing it in 2 weeks time and we'd like maybe parents only at the office for the signing thing (this bit isn't really important to us; it's like applying for a passport in our opinion), then maybe having a meal afterwards with immediate family and siblings. We have thought long and hard about this and didn't want the emphasis to be on a 3 minute ceremony, but rather on the party next year. We were just going to go not dressed up, then meet up with brothers and sisters afterwards.

Anyway, here'e how it went. Told my parents and sister, they were really chuffed. Explained what we wanted. They said we had to have sister etc at the register office. And that if we invited my sister we have to invite my cousin (and therefore her new boyfriend). And we also have to invite Auntie X and Auntie X as they have always been around. And DP has to invite his grandparents. I have to get a dress. My sister is planning hers.

This is exactly what we didn't want; but now we're being guilt tripped that if we don't invite X, Y and Z then they will be offended. And if we don't invite DP's grandparents they might be dead next year. But we wanted the emphasis to be on next year, and not make everyone who doesn't come next year feel like they weren't "good enough" to come to the stupid signing which we don't give a crap about.

So in the light of that, we're thinking that maybe we should just have no one there at all on the signing day, so that there can be no arguing and no one can be offended, which forces the emphasis to be on next year. It means dragging witnesses off the street , when I'd rather have had my dad as a witness, and I'm a bit sad as it would have been nice to mark the day with a meal with close family, but we don't want to be dictated to about it and forced into a big thing that we don't want.

It's either that or we say we're not bothering, but do it anyway.

So what's the answer? Am I BU? Is it not supposed to be about what we want?

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 13/04/2008 19:26

Your parents are being obtuse.

Poor you.

YANBU.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 13/04/2008 19:26

Should add, when DP told his parents this evening, they just said (as they did when we told them I was pregnant both times) "oh right." So whilst they are freakishly odd, at least they won't be causing bother of this sort.

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley · 13/04/2008 19:27

Your bash.
Your budget.
Your business.

Have you got a couple of mates who will show up and be witnesses, and never tell your families anyone?

Treat yourselves to a lovely meal afterwards and a night in a hotel.

spicemonster · 13/04/2008 19:27

I don't get this pressure from families. One of my sisters got married with just parents and siblings, the other one got married on a beach in Australia with a random passerby as witness.

Do what you want. It's your wedding. Tell your families that this is how it's going to be, no discussion.

Dropdeadfred · 13/04/2008 19:27

Why not just say 'no, it's you two only or not at all' it's your day do it your way!!

AMumInScotland · 13/04/2008 19:28

I really liked your previous thread and thought it sounded a great idea. Tell them you're doing it this way, or without them, and stress that there wil be a chance to party "properly" next year. It's your day not theirs. If you give in to this list of invitations, there'll be other cousins, aunties etc who feel left out. Parents (or parents and siblings) gives a clear line.

katz · 13/04/2008 19:29

do what you want to do, its your wedding

Twiglett · 13/04/2008 19:30

phone them and tell them that what you want is for them to be there and to have a meal if they can't accept that you understand and you'll just go do it anyway but you'd really love for them as your parents to be there

not discussing it mum

SparklyMummy · 13/04/2008 19:30

YANBU! My brother and sister had the same problem at their wedding. My parents insisted that x,y and z had to be there even though they didn't want them. It's your day so you do it how you want.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 13/04/2008 19:31

The budget thing is an issue, ie, there isn't one! We're not even getting proper rings until next year, cos we're broke. My parents offered to pay to take everyone for the meal afterwards, and to buy me a dress of sorts (they were horrified that I might go in jeans!) which is nice, but then means that they get more right to throw their weight around?

OP posts:
shreddies · 13/04/2008 19:33

Pleeease do what you want. It's important that you feel comfortable with it. No to the aunties and cousins, it's not their day.

chocolateshoes · 13/04/2008 19:33

yanbu - that's exactly what we did. I'm sorry that you are having hassle - not the way it is meant to be. Do it the way you want.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 13/04/2008 19:34

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

Twiglett - I like your thinking. I was starting to wonder if we were being a bit tight, but its not like we're saying we're not celebrating with people, we just don't want to do it this year. And I don't get why the signing thing has to be the focus, we're going for the basic bog standard ceremony as it's literally about covering eventualities, practicalites. Not that romantic in my eyes.

OP posts:
shreddies · 13/04/2008 19:34

That's a tricky one, because I'm sure they'd really love to treat you and it seems a shame to deny them that opportunity. Only you know them well enough to know if they would be happy to do that and still not to put pressure on to invite x,y and z

pinkspottywellies · 13/04/2008 19:35

I agree, it's your day and you should do exactly as you please. You're not being awkward - they are!

I agree that parents and siblings draws a very distinct line and then others won't feel put out. Tell them it's your rules or no-one comes at all.

Twiglett · 13/04/2008 19:35

I've had a thought

invite parents to come with you to view the registry office and maybe have lunch to discuss details .. and then spring the wedding on them whilst they're there ... fait accompli ... you can tell them you've been considering what they said to get them there

then arrange the family lunch for the next week

and your party a week and a half later

shreddies · 13/04/2008 19:36

(I meant your thread re them wanting to pay for the meal)

Btw, my brother and his girlfriend are getting the legals done in a registry office with no one there and then having a party. Seems quite sensible

shreddies · 13/04/2008 19:37

(not thread. post - am a bit vacant this evening)

Original poster
bohemianbint · 13/04/2008 19:38

I'm not sure how I get round the cousin thing either. I'm not sure it's worth the bother arguing, but my mum's always bollocking on about how she's more like a sister than a cousin and she grew up with us. Which is, to be honest, stretching a point pretty far. Yeah, she came over fairly often, and we get on well. But I wouldn't say we were like sisters. And I've only met her boyfriend a handful of times, and I'm not nuts about him, to be honest.

OP posts:
DonDons · 13/04/2008 19:40

YANBU

when me and DH got married the photographer and the persom performing the wedding were our witnesses. Nothing afterwards wither. That was it. Best day of our lives.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 13/04/2008 19:40

Shreddies

Twiglett - not a bad idea but we're planning on it being on a Thursday and I don't reckon they'd skive work just for the preliminary appointment...

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 13/04/2008 19:41

Unless she feels to you like a sister, I don't think she counts.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 13/04/2008 19:42

I just wish they could understand that we want next year to be the important day, not 3 minutes in some grotty office! I just don't know how...

OP posts:
WendyWeber · 13/04/2008 19:42

bb, we got married in a Register Office with no relations and just a few friends along; then had lunch in the pub (plates of sarnies); then had a huge studenty party in the evening. Everybody had a great time.

(We just didn't invite our parents, and they didn't seem that bothered TBH; DB had had a huge wedding 4 years earlier, & SIL had had a huge wedding 2 years earlier, and FIL wasn't very well, so I think they were relieved!)

It is your day and you must decide how it will be. Hope you have a lovely time

Twiglett · 13/04/2008 19:42

do it on sat then .. if you can get

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