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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if we just go and get married and don't bother having anyone there after all?

67 replies

bohemianbint · 13/04/2008 19:24

I started this thread a bit ago, which details what we're thinking of doing, namely we want to get get married for practical reasons asap, but have a baby due in August and are skint, so wanted to have a party a year and a day afterwards for family and friends.

DP proposed today and we told my parents that we're thinking of doing it in 2 weeks time and we'd like maybe parents only at the office for the signing thing (this bit isn't really important to us; it's like applying for a passport in our opinion), then maybe having a meal afterwards with immediate family and siblings. We have thought long and hard about this and didn't want the emphasis to be on a 3 minute ceremony, but rather on the party next year. We were just going to go not dressed up, then meet up with brothers and sisters afterwards.

Anyway, here'e how it went. Told my parents and sister, they were really chuffed. Explained what we wanted. They said we had to have sister etc at the register office. And that if we invited my sister we have to invite my cousin (and therefore her new boyfriend). And we also have to invite Auntie X and Auntie X as they have always been around. And DP has to invite his grandparents. I have to get a dress. My sister is planning hers.

This is exactly what we didn't want; but now we're being guilt tripped that if we don't invite X, Y and Z then they will be offended. And if we don't invite DP's grandparents they might be dead next year. But we wanted the emphasis to be on next year, and not make everyone who doesn't come next year feel like they weren't "good enough" to come to the stupid signing which we don't give a crap about.

So in the light of that, we're thinking that maybe we should just have no one there at all on the signing day, so that there can be no arguing and no one can be offended, which forces the emphasis to be on next year. It means dragging witnesses off the street , when I'd rather have had my dad as a witness, and I'm a bit sad as it would have been nice to mark the day with a meal with close family, but we don't want to be dictated to about it and forced into a big thing that we don't want.

It's either that or we say we're not bothering, but do it anyway.

So what's the answer? Am I BU? Is it not supposed to be about what we want?

OP posts:
lisad123 · 13/04/2008 20:08

we cancelled everything here and ran offto the carribean and got married there. No one there but us it was lush
there is a pic in my profile.

poppy34 · 13/04/2008 20:31

no thats what we did..was fab day and glad we did it that way.

fledtoscotland · 13/04/2008 21:28

we went on holiday to italy and got married there. all our family knew what we were going to do but we just didnt invite anyone. we had the best day with no arguments and only ourselves to please! then came home and had a nice meal out with family and a party with friends.

dont be sucked into the whole family thing just to please your parents.

jingleyjen · 13/04/2008 21:32

I would be very clear with your Mum..
I would love you to be with me on my wedding day but if you insist on medling we will do it without anyone there.... I am not blackmailing you just providing you with choices.

CaptainNancy · 13/04/2008 21:33

BohemianBint- Firstly- Congratulations!

Secondly- it takes longer than 2 weeks to give the notice at the register office....I think its 3 weeks minimum.

Thirdly- do what YOU (and DP) want to do- you will look back on that day for the rest of your life. Save your money for when baby arrives, and make your wedding day about the 2 of you, and your family to come.

DevilwearsPrada · 13/04/2008 22:26

I had this problem at my wedding. We just wanted a small one at the registry office with close family there (my mum and dad and sister and my grandparents, DH's mum and brother and brother's girlfriend plus DSD), and to go for a meal afterwards. My nan got the hump because I wasn't inviting 10 aunties, uncles and cousins that I haven't seen since I was 15. Ended up my grandparents didn't come , my mum didn't come for the meal (because her and my dad were going through a divorce).

But we did it our way and never regretted it. We're going to have a big party next year and renew our vows for our 10 anniversary.

Do it your way it's your day no one elses.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 14/04/2008 08:35

THanks everyone for all the support.

Having spoken to DP about it last night, I think we're not going to have anyone there at all, maybe just our best friends as witnesses. We can't have the 1st of May now because we wanted to childminder to watch DS for the day but she's on holiday that week - so we're going for the 8th.

It's a shame, but I think it's the only way to stop it spiralling out of control and everyone getting pissy with us about something that was supposed to be simple. If we wanted this kind of aggro we'd have gone for the big white do, but I'm pregnant dammit, and I can't be arsed.

At least if no one's invited to the signing then everyone has to focus on what we do next year. It's just a shame people couldn't focus on what we wanted, but I'm realising more and more that it's typical of my parents to ride roughshod over what we want and be really heavy handed. So sod it.

OP posts:
wishfort · 14/04/2008 09:57

Scrolled through this quickly, but I think the essential error lies in running the idea past anybody. This implies you will take their views "on board". TELL them what you're doing. End of.

Mr W. and I went abroad to marry.

The down side to this, if it is a down side, is that you get few wedding pressies.
I has always thought that one gave a pressie for the occasion, but so many treat it as reward for the party.

How ineffably vulgar.

glaskham · 14/04/2008 10:15

we did exactly wehat you want to do. We had a registry office wedding, family and only closest friends invited, no bridesmaids or best man or maid of honour, we had about 15 people there and went for a meal after, everyone was going to pay for themselves, but my dad took the bill and paid for it all!! we had a 7mth old son at the time and i just wanted to be married, it didn't bother us that DH's dad couldn't make it... we had a good day, we've been married nearly 3 years now...and now have 2 kids...spending thousands on a wedding wouldn't have made our lives any different exept we'd have a mound of debt to pay off as we would have never been able to save all that much!!

I bought silk flowers for my boquet and have kept them as my momentum...that was my biggest spend, i got a stunning suit from next in the sale and i was happy!!!

Youcannotbeserious · 14/04/2008 10:19

Dh and I buggered off to Las Vegas...

We didn't ask anyone if they were OK with that... We just booked it and went.

I'm sure we'd have got the whole guilt thing from my parents and also a whole barrel full of ishoos from his ex.

We just decided and did it...

The only thing that hasn't worked out is we really wanted to take DH's kids back this year (so they could share it with us without the whole thing about being there when we married) and as we managed to concieve while on honeymoon (NOT intentional!) that's not going to happen this year!

I'd say, this is YOUR day. Uncle Albert and Great Aunty Sue aren't going to care (Well, you can't lose sleep over something you don't know about!! )

grendel · 14/04/2008 11:36

Now, see, that is exactly what DH and I did. We had already been together for 15 years so to us getting married was (we thought) no biggie and just a bit of administration to make things simpler when baby arrived (I was 6 months pregnant at time).
And then we had a big garden party for friends and family the following weekend.

And it was what we wanted at the time. And my family just had to deal with it.

But now... 9 years later... DD keeps asking about our wedding and photos etc and I have to say well we just have a couple of snaps of us, and no, we didn't have bridesmaids etc. And it just feels... I dunno... not very special.

And although I never wanted a big fluffy meringue dress chuch wedding, I do sometimes wish now that we had made it more of an occasion.

MrsMattie · 14/04/2008 11:39

YANBU. We nearly did it with nobody there. In the end we went to the local registry and invited our mums, DH's brother & SIL and my sister (and our little boy!) and that was it. I'm sure there were lots of people who were disappointed, but we'd been together 6 years, already had a child together and were in the process of a big house move - we really weren't going to have a big bash of any kind.

Youcannotbeserious · 14/04/2008 11:41

Oh, that's a bit Grendel!

Maybe you should have a vow renewal and have the 'occasion' if you would like?

I must admit, I wouldn't change a thing about our day.......

We stayed at a wonderful hotel, I had the whole hair and make up package (DH went to the gym and the spa!!!), we got dressed up and had the whole photo package - that was probably the most expensive thing!!! But I'm glad we did...

(We also have the ceremony on DVD but haven't told anyone in RL about that!! ha ha )

I don't regret us doing it 'our way' for a single second and I think that's the key: Every couple should choose 'their way' - whatever that is!!

mummylin2495 · 14/04/2008 11:50

when me and dh got married we had been living togeher for years anyway so didnt want any fuss,We didnt invite anyone apart from my grandad and my two children.We sent everyone an invite to say that sometime that week we would be getting married and invited everyone to a big party on the saturday,It was great.And it wasnt too expensive either.

suey2 · 14/04/2008 11:56

i think you should do what you want. But, be prepared, i got married in a registry office and it was actually really emotional, so i would make sure you feel really special. If you can do that in jeans, go for it

mrsshackleton · 14/04/2008 12:15

yanbu
We did a similar thing last year but we DID invite both sets of parents, bil and his girlfriend, my brother was away and couldn't make it. Registry office ceremony, lunch afterwards it was a fantastic day, much nicer than I anticipated
What helped was the room at the registry office was tiny and could only fit eight people or something and we were only allowed eight at the lunch, so we used those two excuses to keep numbers down, down, down
I would say it is nice to have your parents there and as suey said dress up a bit. Friends forced me to have a blow dry and manicure and wear a pretty dress and it was really worth it, the pictures are lovely and it is something to show the dds who do go a storm on that kind of thing.
Just do what YOU want to do, all weddings are insane if you let anyone but your very closest family get involved. Good luck with it all, hope you have a lovely day whatever you do

Original poster
bohemianbint · 14/04/2008 12:43

Cheers everyone.

Would you believe, we didn't run it past the parents, we said "this is what we're doing", but they said "oh no, you have to do this/invite x" and I'd rather them make that kind of fuss about the party next year, rather than about the signing.

I might get something slightly dressier than jeans, but I don't want to go barmy, plus being nearly 6 months pregnant choices are a bit limited!

I see what grendel and Youcannotbeserious are saying re the photographs though. I'm hoping that we can get nice photographs of the party next year, when friends and family will all be there, and I won't be all pregnant and whale-like on them! (hopefully... )

OP posts:
Twiglett · 14/04/2008 13:26

do it the way you want .. but call your mum and dad and tell them that's what is happening and you'd love them to be there if they promise not to try to talk you out of it because it isn't up fro discussion

CoteDAzur · 14/04/2008 13:31

YABU. It is about what you want, but this is arguably the most important day in the life of their little daughter, and it is needlessly cruel for you not to invite parents to your wedding, however unimportant for you it may be.

Invite sister and parents. You don't have to invite cousins.

Let your parents be there and take a few pictures and shed a few tears. Imagine how you would like it if your child gets married without telling you.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 14/04/2008 13:41

CoteDAzur - We're celebrating next year. Everyone is invited to that, that is the main celebration in our eyes. If we go overboard for the signing people won't be interested in next year.

We invited them to be witnesses at the signing but they started telling us how to do it. We're not doing it and not telling them, they have the option to be at the signing and the main celebration next year but they're ruining it with their usual heavy handed bossiness.

Twiglett - cheers, we definitely will tell them what we're doing but stick to guns ie parents only at the register office.

I just don't know how to communicate to them and make them listen to me, because they never do.

OP posts:
doggiesayswoof · 14/04/2008 13:43

YANBU at all.

We did this - ended up with 2 friends as witnesses because we didn't want to have to choose 2 family members to do it (over everyone else). No other guests at all, then we went away for the night on our own.

We just told everyone what we were doing - no discussion. As it turned out nobody objected anyway and we had a lovely day (only slight regret is that DD was not there, but she was not even 2 at that point and I'm guessing she wouldn't really have appreciated it)

I think Twiglett has it.

jammi · 14/04/2008 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kitbit · 14/04/2008 15:41

Relatives that aren't as close tend to be more understanding ime. Why not ring Great Auntie Wotnot and explain to her what you want, tell her you'd love to celebrate with her, but at the aprty next year, but your immedaite family are getting a bit upset about it...but you're sure she understands and you just wanted her to know that she wasn't being left out. Then you can explain to your parents and say "but Great Auntie Thingumy DOES understand and won't be offended in the slightest"...

...or just take the train to Gretna Green this weekend and go for it!

CoteDAzur · 14/04/2008 18:42

My parents are exactly the same re bossiness (drew up a list of FIVE HUNDRED invitees days after we told them about our envagement!). Once I told them it's our way or the highway they were happy to be there and invite nobody

CarGirl · 14/04/2008 18:46

which registry office? (cargirl hoping it's her local so she can hang around outside at be the witness dragged in off the street)

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