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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

if we just go and get married and don't bother having anyone there after all?

67 replies

bohemianbint · 13/04/2008 19:24

I started this thread a bit ago, which details what we're thinking of doing, namely we want to get get married for practical reasons asap, but have a baby due in August and are skint, so wanted to have a party a year and a day afterwards for family and friends.

DP proposed today and we told my parents that we're thinking of doing it in 2 weeks time and we'd like maybe parents only at the office for the signing thing (this bit isn't really important to us; it's like applying for a passport in our opinion), then maybe having a meal afterwards with immediate family and siblings. We have thought long and hard about this and didn't want the emphasis to be on a 3 minute ceremony, but rather on the party next year. We were just going to go not dressed up, then meet up with brothers and sisters afterwards.

Anyway, here'e how it went. Told my parents and sister, they were really chuffed. Explained what we wanted. They said we had to have sister etc at the register office. And that if we invited my sister we have to invite my cousin (and therefore her new boyfriend). And we also have to invite Auntie X and Auntie X as they have always been around. And DP has to invite his grandparents. I have to get a dress. My sister is planning hers.

This is exactly what we didn't want; but now we're being guilt tripped that if we don't invite X, Y and Z then they will be offended. And if we don't invite DP's grandparents they might be dead next year. But we wanted the emphasis to be on next year, and not make everyone who doesn't come next year feel like they weren't "good enough" to come to the stupid signing which we don't give a crap about.

So in the light of that, we're thinking that maybe we should just have no one there at all on the signing day, so that there can be no arguing and no one can be offended, which forces the emphasis to be on next year. It means dragging witnesses off the street , when I'd rather have had my dad as a witness, and I'm a bit sad as it would have been nice to mark the day with a meal with close family, but we don't want to be dictated to about it and forced into a big thing that we don't want.

It's either that or we say we're not bothering, but do it anyway.

So what's the answer? Am I BU? Is it not supposed to be about what we want?

OP posts:

madmuggle · 14/04/2008 21:58

I hope you get to do things your own way... However, I'd be wary of giving too much info to your mum, she sounds like the kind of mum who'd just turn up with everyone you vetoed in tow

Waswondering · 14/04/2008 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elasticwoman · 14/04/2008 22:10

Congratulations on your engagement. I am in favour of marriage and have been married 25 years myself. My parents paid for it - how old fashioned is that?!

If you don't want a fuss till next year, go to the register office just with fiance and get 2 witnesses in off the street. You may get some grief from relatives but they'll get over it, especially when you do the proper celebration the following year.

No wonder so many people don't bother, when they get so much pressure put on them. I'm sure you don't need it while you're pg.

Sounds like you're not religious, but churches do a marriage blessing ceremony which can be used by couples who are already legally married but want to celebrate their nuptials later. You could have your own ceremony like that (not necessarily in a church) next year to make your celebration special and not just any old party.

pinkyminky · 14/04/2008 22:20

We did what you want to do. We just invited our parents and no-one else. BIL made a few noises, but he doesn't even do birthday cards, so don't know what that was all about.Didn't invite any friends because aunties would have been miffed. We had service at the registry office then went across the road for a nice lunch. Told everyone afterwards. It's your day, do it how you want. I know people who didn't even have parents there, they just did it.
Have you applied for your licence yet? Can't remember what the notice period is.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 14/04/2008 22:26

Cheers for all the support. Yeah, it is a palaver, even for a simple low key thing, an dwe really don't need it!

We're going to give notice tomorrow and aiming for the 8th of May - you have to wait 16 days from giving notice so that'll work out quite well.

Do fathers still give daughters away in register offices? (All these years I always thought it was registry office, not register!)

Cargirl - it's Manchester, that'd make a good mumsnet story eh!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 14/04/2008 22:29

Nah I live in Surrey, no Fathers do not give you away at a civil ceremony they are quite a non-event IMHO

pinkyminky · 14/04/2008 22:32

Hey we got married at the Lloyd street office, then went to Tampopo for lunch!
As I recall, I did choose the service in which my Dad got to say something, as I knew he'd want to. Can't actually remember what it was though. How bad is that?

CarGirl · 14/04/2008 23:05

That's a point about room size, at our local it's either a room for 6 people (including bride & groom) or you have to pay a few hundred to have a bigger room!

Original poster

bohemianbint · 15/04/2008 14:39

Hmmmmm..........sadly the room takes 70, which would be my idea of hell!

OP posts:

Youcannotbeserious · 16/04/2008 11:55

BB - Have you made any progress with your parents now?

Original poster

bohemianbint · 18/04/2008 13:07

Hello - sorry, only just come back to this! Yeah, we've basically (after a bit of a wobble) said we're having parents only at the register office, and for meal afterwards. And if people don't like it they can go and whistle for being so bloody selfish.

OP posts:

moondog · 18/04/2008 13:09

Good BB.
Sounds great.
We had noone at all at ours (not because we had fallen out with anyone though)and everyone without exception was delighted for us.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 18/04/2008 13:22

Oh, that's really good. I don't understand why people are being so arsey about the actual office bit, I'm pretty sure if my sister didn't want to do the ceremony in front of everyone I wouldn't care in the slightest, so long as she was happy...

OP posts:

Bensonbluebird · 18/04/2008 13:53

The 8th of May is a lovely day I assure you, 'tis my DS2's birthday.

We were planning to do something similar last year, having finally made the decsision to get married ( for administrative reasons). We were going to get married on the 8th Nov (our 14th anniversary) and just not tell anyone, maybe have a party later. However, we ended up going to see the GPs that week so maybe we'll do it this year.

I can completely understand why you want to do it the way you do, so well done for sticking to your guns. It is your day. You will have your lovely party for everyone to remember so I think you are fullfilling your obligations to yourselves and your family very well.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 18/04/2008 15:12

Thanks Benson! Just need some of you marvellous Mum'sNetters to come and point this out to my family!

OP posts:

pinkyminky · 18/04/2008 23:25

Glad you sorted it out. We had a really enjoyed our wedding and I hope you do too.

totalmisfit · 18/04/2008 23:35

we have been thinking about doing similar... my mum is great at guilt trips. 'well they'll all get an invite to the funeral(s) so it's a shame not to get invited to a wedding...'

dp will never make an honest woman of me tho' i suspect...

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