Can ex demand holiday details?

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Two kids are under five. First court hearing about the kids is next week. Ex doesn't see kids at the moment due to concerns about his ability to look after the kids. Police investigating ex assaulting me since our split.
I gave 6 weeks notice of a UK holiday. Now 5 weeks later, 1 week before we go, ex tells me he does not give permission for the children to go unless he has the address and who is going on the trip. I could have guessed this would happen as control was an issue throughout.
Now I am happy to tell him the county as a location, and make sure he understands that the kids will videocall at the same time and day as normal as one videocall falls while we are away. I don't want to tell him anything else as I'm really looking forward to not having to look over my shoulder while away.

Is that reasonable or do I need to tell him all details?

He's done this because I stopped a videocall yesterday that was nearly an hour long where he was watching the kids play but they weren't engaging with him. It was past their bedtime and rather than relaxing they were running around getting hyped up.

Just tell him you're not obliged to give him the details - you don't want him making demands in future.

If you do want to facilitate video call contact, I have quite a bit of experience doing this with grandparents and a 2-3yo during Covid. I'd put together a tray with playdoh or sand or a few little toys at the table for DC to play with and my mother would prepare a book or something to read to my DC with a few sound or visual effects on PowerPoint. This worked well because we all put the effort in but we were very glad when the need for it stopped! You can't really expect little ones to have a proper conversation over the phone.

Do we have the same ex?! I could've written this post myself. I too struggled and despite leaving him realised at various points he was still controlling me, don't call yourself stupid for this please. You've been living with his control and abuse for so long that you've normalised behaviours and it takes time to break those patterns. Please contact womens aid, speak to trusted friends, ask on here, people outside of the situation can more easily see what's really happening and help you see what's control.

STOP feeling guilty, you haven't "deprived" him of his children, you've stopped him having access to you not them, he could make arrangements to have supervised contact and it's HIS actions that have led to you safeguarding yourself and your children.

I'm 2yrs post leaving him and with a lot of support from womens aid, social worker, solicitor, trusted friend, my mam and the odd post on here, I'm now fully free of his control and me and the DC are thriving. Don't put yourself down for realising things after they happen please, just be glad you've realised and that you are getting stronger and freer of him

Don’t tell him where you are going, he doesn’t need to know and he can’t stop you going as you’re staying in England.

As someone has already said, check that there is nothing he can have access to - location, your home wifi, etc. he cannot stop you taking them and you can just add this to the list of things as to how he is trying to control you.

Keep the video calls short and perhaps do what a poster has suggested and have a little activity set up for them. When they’ve had enough, encourage a cheery wave and then turn the call off. Has there been a set length of time agreed to by your solicitor or just how many calls per week?

Not only would I not be telling him the exact location I would also be curtailing the length of video calls. Him sat on a phone watching the kids play for an hour is slightly creepy.

You know video calls aren’t compulsory? For some, exes use them as an easy way to still manipulate. You can just have telephone calls.
Other people have advised you re holiday, but I would add that you will get better at not reacting to his bullying. Can I suggest you speak to your solicitor and get a clear list of what you do need his permission for (changing schools/medical emergencies etc) and what you don’t. You’ll then feel more confident in seeing the bullying as the nasty rubbish it is.
Enjoy your time away.

Just remember that whatever you agree has to work the other way too.

Any information you give or don't give, will be the same for you. Thinking about the DC’s needs as the priority will keep things objective.

So ‘when we go on holiday in the UK, we don't need to give each other the details of where we are but the DC’s will call you twice a week.’ Applies to both parents.

Of course, any safeguarding issues will affect the agreed ‘rules’.

@Goldbar Thank you for this. I do set up an activity like colouring or lego which has helped a lot because before they saw it as a chore. The ppt idea is a good one!

@Browniesandcustard no set time or set anything from the court at the moment.

@MrsTartanTeacosy The last three phonecalls have resulted in him messaging after saying how out of order I am, or saying I did something wrong during the phonecall when it was actually him, or other unkind remarks, all on a coparenting app. I'm getting better managing it as now I just hang up and document it. And I've stopped answering most messages or direct him to my solicitor for all of my wrongdoing. I think if he continues with this behaviour the video calls will stop, he's forcing me to stop them. I'm only doing them for the kids.

Thank you for this guidance, a great idea.

@HanaLou good point, i was just thinking the same thing, I would want to know if they were in his care. Hopefully when we get to the point of him have unsupervised time a parenting plan can be put in place which puts these guidelines in place (even though they can be ignored!) .

An hour long video call for under 5s is crazy

husbAnd currently away and my 3 year old loves and misses him always asking to ring him

but she manages 5 mins chat with him and then is off doing something else

Given the history you should not give him information as you don't want him turning up/stalking you/ruining the holiday. I'd document his request though.

@Deadbeatex thank you so much for this. I really needed to hear it. I've been stressing that this is never going to get any better despite the growth me and the kids have had in the 6 months since we left. As you know, it's just draining, so it is lovely that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I think I'm angry at myself for having got myself in this situation. Despite knowing that this stuff creeps up on you and it wasn't until we moved out and I opened up did I realise how not okay the relationship was. Definitely need to keep working on reframing the way I think.

So glad you and your kids are in such a good place!

Honestly, I wouldn't even do this as it'll make him think he has the right to know these things. Just ignore him.

Once you get a CAO in place it will allow you to take them out of the country too without his permission for a few weeks every year.

You don't need to tell him where you are no.

Well done for leaving.

I'm a father, separated in late 2017, and well out the other side of a very messy break-up. In the heat of the separation, I wish someone had sat both of us down and firmly asked us this really important question:

What co-parenting relationship do you want with your ex, after all the dust has settled?

Every nasty act, on both sides, will make you less able to successfully co-parent together in the future. And if, deep down, you are good people - trust me - you'll have regrets later about how conducted yourselves during the separation/dispute phase.

If there’s no court order in place, you don’t have to tell him.

However, with an impending court date, you need to look super reasonable and communicative. On this basis, I would tell him we’re visiting X city with friends/family.

Withholding information about his children could also be deemed as controlling.

If he hit you on your first date would you have agreed to a second date? No of course you wouldn't. He showed you only his best side until you fell in love and then very slowly he began to show his true self, it creeps up on you and he makes you normalise the small changes until he's showing his true colours fully but to you this is just normal 🤷🏼‍♀️ You however found the strength to leave, so many posts on here scream LTB, hell even I've screamed it, but we both know it's really not that straightforward or easy, we did it though and that's what you need to focus on.

Please seek help to change your mindset from victim blaming and guilt to placing the blame where it belongs and being guilt free. It's not easy and you will likely in future kick yourself again as you realise you've allowed behaviour that actually you shouldn't, but each realisation takes you a step closer to being fully free so a small kick but then stride forward 😉

If it’s a UK holiday he has no say in anything. Tell him you don’t need his permission so him refusing means nothing. I wouldn’t tell him anything about it

He assaulted her!! That ship has sailed.

Personally I can't imagine a judge ordering calls given he is using it as a window to abuse you.
Keep details of the aftermath....

This.

Why does he even know you're going on holiday? Do not give a controlling ex ANY information at all about your lives unless court ordered to do so. It waters down your case if you do, 'he's so abusive yet you volunteered information on your whereabouts to him? You can't be that scared of him' are questions that you WILL be asked if you persist in this manner. And video contact should be 15 mins maximum, you keep hold of the phone & when the child stops engaging, you hang up.

One thing jumped out at me from your posts "he said I had to tell him". Do not take at face value anything he says. Lots of men do this around divorce issues..often if they are the one traditionally dealing with official stuff, with the "big job" and have been used to calling the shots. They tell their stbxw they will not get x,y or z or that they can't do whatever. Usually it's totally bollocks. In a non abusive relationship id say no harm in giving the details but in your case I absolutely wouldn't. You're doing all the right things with boundaries and you'll find the kids find their own dynamic on facetime. It has to be led by them which means probably not a lot of chat. Good luck.

I can completely see why you don’t want to tell him, but playing devils advocate here - eventually there might be a time where he is able to take the children away on his own. Do you think if you withhold information when it comes to the time he could potentially go away with them would you be comfortable not knowing where they were? If he chose to not tell you anything at all as a way of getting back at you? He sounds absolutely awful and he’s clearly being manipulative and controlling, but just something to bare in mind. Better the devil you know I guess. I hope you have a restful holiday and get a chance to relax and unwind a bit, it sounds like you’ve had a stressful time.

edited to add: what I mean is he refuses to tell you as a way of getting back at you

@Fupoffyagrasshole@Fupoffyagrasshole I agree with you, 3minutes is the running theme at the moment with my youngest. That isn't good enough apparently and my fault.

@NSA2103 @pansypotteratemyheartout i'm going to tell him the area as I would want to know if it was the other way around. The whole 'treat others as you want to be treated' has been repeating through my head since we split.. At the moment I am not reacting to anything, taking a moment before I reply and ignoring the emotion and trying to just answer the facts. Unfortunately his behaviour continues to escalate and the children have witnessed some of it even since we moved out, so I am having to put boundaries in place to keep us safe. Although I'm dreading court, the idea that they decide and it is taken out of my hands and we both have to follow the rules laid out is actually a bit of a blessing right now as I can do no right. I'm hoping that once a court order is in place that things can then settle and in years to come can just be civil for the kids and not put them in the middle (sports day was a disaster for our eldest). I do understand your advice and really do take it on board, as we are now in each other's lives forever whether we like it or not.

Someone earlier in the post mentioned airtags and I thought this might be helpful.How to Find an Apple AirTag Hidden in Your Car and Stop It from Tracking You – iDrop News although it could only be in your car as he doesn't see the children. Do you have family nearby that you could borrow a vehicle from that he doesn't know? I would also consider not telling him what day you plan to leave in case he follows you. It's a horrible situation to be in.
I've been where you are as well and it takes a long time to get your head straight and make friends with yourself again! Very happy for you that you have separated from your abuser and I hope you have a very happy future with the wee'uns!