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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think something is on?

73 replies

JodiBeresford · 24/07/2024 23:05

I have been happily married for 14 years and we have a 4 yo daughter. My DH was my first (and only) boyfriend and we have always been very honest and open about our relationships, feelings, sex, etc. I am aware he had other girlfriends in the past as he is 4 years older and I was 18 when we met. He has also had other female friends. One of them continues to be his friend to this day and almost every year he goes away with her on a short holiday, a week or so, abroad. He went on holiday with her when I was very ill in the late stages of my pregnancy and then again shortly after our DD was born. He doesn't see her as often nowadays although he often travels for work, usually to other continents and for weeks as he works for a giant corporation, so there's no way really for me to know where he is. Since leaving my job as a teacher to dedicate myself to hobbies, volunteering and raising our DD, I have often thought that perhaps there's more than just friendship between my DH and this woman he has known since adolescence. He has reassured me it is nothing and that they always take separate rooms, etc but I don't know. She has never visited us despite our house being quite open and often receiving guests. Is it just me having too much time on my hands to overthink and catastrophise? AIBU to think something is going on.

OP posts:
WTDAC · 24/07/2024 23:12

Aww.
I'm getting 'Same Time Next Year' vibes.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same_Time,Next_Year(film)
I'm so sorry.. but I think something's going on.

Same Time, Next Year (film) - Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same_Time,_Next_Year_(film)

Ace56 · 24/07/2024 23:13

I think your spidey senses are tingling for a reason. It’s strange that she’s never been to your house - do you ever meet up together with her and your DH (and her partner, if she has one?), or is it always just DH and her alone? If so, that’s weird.

Also if he went away with her when you were heavily pregnant and then again when you had a newborn, wasn’t that only a few months apart? I absolutely wouldn’t have allowed the second trip!

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 24/07/2024 23:15

Maybe she hasn't visited because your obvious disapproval shows through? Do you meet up with her too?

Does he go away with other friends? Is he secretive about his phone? Other than go away with her, does he do anything else with her which makes you suspicious? Is he a good husband and father and do his share?

UltramarineViolet · 24/07/2024 23:16

Have you met her and seen how they act together?

Sounds very suspicious to me

Frazzledmummy123 · 24/07/2024 23:22

Your dh goes on holiday with a female friend, just the two of them?? Obviously it is fine to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, go for coffee, meet up, etc, however that is bonkers. Even if it is innocent, anyone would feel off about that.

Mudflaps · 24/07/2024 23:24

I had a boss years ago who was 'happily married with a family', he certainly appeared to be happy, spoke well of his wife, had nice holidays etc but once a year I'd be told he was going to be away on business for a week and if by any chance his wife called the office to just say he was away at meetings, his brother (and business partner) told me that these trips always coincided with a girl friend from their teenage years coming back from abroad for a holiday, so this happily married man took a week away with his old girlfriend every year behind his wife's back, do I think they had separate rooms, not judging by the good form he was in for the week before and after. Old girlfriend was also married.

DeersBeersPeers · 24/07/2024 23:29

Has she had partners during this time and did the dynamic ever change? Have you met her? Do the 3 of you hang put together? The holiday thing I've only heard of similar once before...it turned out to be an affair.

EmoCourt · 24/07/2024 23:35

Frazzledmummy123 · 24/07/2024 23:22

Your dh goes on holiday with a female friend, just the two of them?? Obviously it is fine to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, go for coffee, meet up, etc, however that is bonkers. Even if it is innocent, anyone would feel off about that.

Edited

I’ve gone on holiday with male friends all my life. No one tumbles onto anyone’s genitals. DH occasionally sees an old friend in Barcelona. Our marriage is happy.

Yes, OP, I think you have too much time on your hands. Go back to work and do the hobbies and volunteering in your free time.

CranfordScones · 24/07/2024 23:43

I think I must be in the minority. I have friendships of the type you describe. I think most people can't accept that people of the opposite sex can really be just friends.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/07/2024 23:49

One of them continues to be his friend to this day and almost every year he goes away with her on a short holiday, a week or so, abroad.

If that works for you, fine. To each their own.

He went on holiday with her when I was very ill in the late stages of my pregnancy and then again shortly after our DD was born.

Come the FUCK on. You can't even be serious. He is taking the absolute piss and you allowed it. That would have been a deal breaker in my book. No one does this with just a "friend."

beanii · 29/07/2024 13:50

Now usually I'm the first to say men and women can be friends etc BUT going away on holiday with her, every year even when you were heavily pregnant and ill? Sounds very weird to me and I certainly wouldn't be happy.

Blueuggboots · 29/07/2024 13:52

I have a lovely male friend who I have been friends with since I was 11. Were great friends and support each other BUT neither of us has ever been attracted to the other. We're both happily married to other people and meet up regularly in our own. There is NOTHING going on in our situation.

MounjaroUser · 29/07/2024 13:54

Blueuggboots · 29/07/2024 13:52

I have a lovely male friend who I have been friends with since I was 11. Were great friends and support each other BUT neither of us has ever been attracted to the other. We're both happily married to other people and meet up regularly in our own. There is NOTHING going on in our situation.

Do you go on holiday together for a week, just the two of you? Would he have wanted to go away with you when his wife was ill or heavily pregnant?

beanii · 29/07/2024 13:56

EmoCourt · 24/07/2024 23:35

I’ve gone on holiday with male friends all my life. No one tumbles onto anyone’s genitals. DH occasionally sees an old friend in Barcelona. Our marriage is happy.

Yes, OP, I think you have too much time on your hands. Go back to work and do the hobbies and volunteering in your free time.

So you go away every year with a male friend, just the 2 of you and your husband is absolutely fine with that?

I know my husband would want me to come along and meet his friend and enjoy the break too.

We must be old fashioned.

I absolutely agree men and women can be friends but holidaying on your own when married - nope.

beanii · 29/07/2024 13:58

Blueuggboots · 29/07/2024 13:52

I have a lovely male friend who I have been friends with since I was 11. Were great friends and support each other BUT neither of us has ever been attracted to the other. We're both happily married to other people and meet up regularly in our own. There is NOTHING going on in our situation.

Meeting up for a coffee, lunch etc is entirely different to leaving your heavily pregnant wife at home to go on holiday with them for a week 🤦🏻‍♀️

ILoveMyCaravan · 29/07/2024 14:04

What the hell have I just read? This is insane. No way this is platonic. And leaving you before and after your child was born, I have no words. And you often don’t know whereabouts in the world he is on business trips?

I think you’re being heavily manipulated into thinking this is OK and normal. It’s not.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 29/07/2024 14:18

I'll be honest, nothing you have written in your OP is great. For me the holiday, just the two of them would be an absolute no, don't care if others think that makes me a shit wife, no way would my husband be holidaying with another woman.
The fact he still went when you were pregnant and ill makes him a real wanker and I'm amazed you willingly let this happen, wtf?

ElliLovesDogs · 29/07/2024 14:22

Its all a bit odd innit

Niknakcake · 29/07/2024 14:24

I go on holiday (2 weeks) with my male best friend once a year. Just us. He’s in a relationship. I’m not. We even share a room. Entirely platonic. Maybe one day his girlfriend will come too but that changes the dynamic entirely, especially as then kids will be there so it’s not just us being silly and having fun. I’ll also add our holidays startes before his relationship

Noseybookworm · 29/07/2024 14:27

I don't think there's necessarily anything untoward going on between them, although it's odd that you haven't got to know her too. I know all my husband's close friends and would think it odd if he had a close friend that I didn't know. Why don't you ask him to invite her over for a bbq or something so you can get to know her? If he's cagey about you meeting her, then I'd be a bit more suspicious 🤔 how would he feel about you going off on holiday with a mystery male friend?

Starlight1979 · 29/07/2024 14:28

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 29/07/2024 14:18

I'll be honest, nothing you have written in your OP is great. For me the holiday, just the two of them would be an absolute no, don't care if others think that makes me a shit wife, no way would my husband be holidaying with another woman.
The fact he still went when you were pregnant and ill makes him a real wanker and I'm amazed you willingly let this happen, wtf?

Yeah this. Men and women being mates is completely normal - meeting for a coffee, lunch, drinks etc.

A married man going on holiday with another woman whilst his wife is at home is absolutely not normal in the slightest!

CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes · 29/07/2024 14:33

DH and I both have close friends of opposite sex who predate our relationship with each other. Absolutely fine and normal. We absolutely don’t go on holiday with them!

LVictoria · 29/07/2024 14:34

I think this sounds so weird. I mean, him meeting with his 'friend' for coffee or a meal is fine, but going on multiple holidays alone with her?! Sounds really odd. And her not really being friendly with you as well, despite you being married for 14 years doesn't chime right.

I'm sorry, but I also don't like the fact he went on holiday when you were very pregnant - anything could have happened and you'd have been alone! - and when your baby was newborn. I wouldn't even like this if he's gone away with one or a few male friends, but this seems even worse in my eyes.

Emmz1510 · 29/07/2024 14:35

There’s no way in a million years I could ever imagine my husband going on holiday with a female friend and I think this sounds mega suspicious.
The only way I can imagine it sort of making sense is if it’s a trip based on a hobby/interest they both have? Like cycling, or hiking, or a meeting/convention that takes place abroad for a mutual interest (like two friends who are obsessed with superheroes going to Comic-con sort of thing).
But just a regular holiday, twice within months of each other, no, this is dodgy as hell.
How does your husband rationalise this? How long has he known this person? Any other suspicious behaviours? I’m sorry but this is giving off major vibes of he’s the rich jet setter with the high powered job who gets to do as he likes and you are the stay at home wife and mother who can’t ask too many questions. Did he take you on two holidays in a year?

mybeautifulhorse · 29/07/2024 14:36

My DH has lots of female friends, he's just that kind of man - never had a big group of male mates and gravitated more to friendships with women. Fine by me, I don't think twice about him having drinks or dinners with these women and he has gone to stay with one a few times for a night or two (he husband was there too though).

But this? No sorry, it's a bit off. It's not the friendship, it's the fact that he seems to be prioritising that - I.e. going away when you were pregnant and sick, then when you had a newborn etc over you. Coupled with the fact that you are now questioning his whereabouts when he's working away, it's not looking good for the relationship either way.