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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think something is on?

73 replies

JodiBeresford · 24/07/2024 23:05

I have been happily married for 14 years and we have a 4 yo daughter. My DH was my first (and only) boyfriend and we have always been very honest and open about our relationships, feelings, sex, etc. I am aware he had other girlfriends in the past as he is 4 years older and I was 18 when we met. He has also had other female friends. One of them continues to be his friend to this day and almost every year he goes away with her on a short holiday, a week or so, abroad. He went on holiday with her when I was very ill in the late stages of my pregnancy and then again shortly after our DD was born. He doesn't see her as often nowadays although he often travels for work, usually to other continents and for weeks as he works for a giant corporation, so there's no way really for me to know where he is. Since leaving my job as a teacher to dedicate myself to hobbies, volunteering and raising our DD, I have often thought that perhaps there's more than just friendship between my DH and this woman he has known since adolescence. He has reassured me it is nothing and that they always take separate rooms, etc but I don't know. She has never visited us despite our house being quite open and often receiving guests. Is it just me having too much time on my hands to overthink and catastrophise? AIBU to think something is going on.

OP posts:
buttonsB4 · 29/07/2024 14:37

OP, do you get to go on a child free week-long holiday with a man every year as well?

Would your DH be happy if you decided you wanted to?

Whilst men & women can most definitely be friends, annual leave days are short, why doesn't he want to spend that precious time with his wife and child?

Why can't he just catch up with his friend at the weekend? Why does he need a whole week in a hotel with her and away from you?

How would he feel if you decided to join him on his next holiday?

Whilst I have holiday-ed completely platonically with male friends, I never did that while married or with young children in the mix, it does feel like a bit of a piss take (especially leaving you when you were ill and pregnant with his child 🙄)

Tightfishedtwat · 29/07/2024 14:40

Here is another tale of a woman giving up work to raise kids supporting their DH whilst he is shitting all over the relationship. I despair.

LBFseBrom · 29/07/2024 14:43

Ace56 · 24/07/2024 23:13

I think your spidey senses are tingling for a reason. It’s strange that she’s never been to your house - do you ever meet up together with her and your DH (and her partner, if she has one?), or is it always just DH and her alone? If so, that’s weird.

Also if he went away with her when you were heavily pregnant and then again when you had a newborn, wasn’t that only a few months apart? I absolutely wouldn’t have allowed the second trip!

That, especially him going away with her when you were nearly due and when your baby was very little. At times like that we particularly need our partner (if we have one).

EmoCourt · 29/07/2024 14:44

buttonsB4 · 29/07/2024 14:37

OP, do you get to go on a child free week-long holiday with a man every year as well?

Would your DH be happy if you decided you wanted to?

Whilst men & women can most definitely be friends, annual leave days are short, why doesn't he want to spend that precious time with his wife and child?

Why can't he just catch up with his friend at the weekend? Why does he need a whole week in a hotel with her and away from you?

How would he feel if you decided to join him on his next holiday?

Whilst I have holiday-ed completely platonically with male friends, I never did that while married or with young children in the mix, it does feel like a bit of a piss take (especially leaving you when you were ill and pregnant with his child 🙄)

I can’t speak for the OP, obviously, but I absolutely took week-long holidays away with male friends when DS was small, leaving DH at home to do childcare. It’s not a ‘pisstake’. I adore DH and DS, but I spent and spend the other 51 weeks of the year around them, and they enjoyed having some sustained one on one time too. Once I went to NY just after New Year for six days and they got stuck into making a giant Lego Deathstar..

letsjustdothis · 29/07/2024 14:48

I completely believe that men and women can be just friends.

However, a happily married man with a child who is often away for work anyway, having a yearly holiday with a female friend who refuses to be known to the family or socialise with anyone else in it? Extremely suspicious.

The only way I can think of that it wouldn't be weird is if they had a joint club-based hobby that does require/have a reason to go away, like golf or running, that you weren't into.

uneasyfeeling · 29/07/2024 15:52

Sorry OP, you started with happily married and then proceeded to say he goes on week long holidays regularly with a woman all alone and two of these holidays were when you were ill and heavily pregnant and then after baby was born and that too it was a WEEK long. Not to mention the several weeks "work" travel and you don't even know where he is gone!!

None of this is okay even without taking into account the holiday during late pregnancy. How can he not tell you where he's going for work??

Super unacceptable!!! He is horribly making use of your naivety I feel!!

However for now I would say don't let him know you are suddenly suspicious. Keep it normal. Speak to some real life trusted person or professional. Then you can take time to process all of this before deciding what to do about it!
All the best Flowers

74Violette · 29/07/2024 18:39

This is all extremely suspicious. I think you've been a little gullible OP and your DH has fully manipulated that.

I don't think many women would be cool with their husband taking holidays with a female friend. You've never met her either, was she not at the wedding? If she's such an important person in his life for him to take cosy trips away with then why is she in the shadows? I'm sorry but this just doesn't sound innocent.

1HappyTraveller · 29/07/2024 23:28

weird that she doesn’t come to your house. Is that him not making it clear that she is invited or her not wanting to come?

Did she go to your wedding? If she was THAT much of a good friend that they go on holiday together I would have expected her to be there.

it does sound a bit off. I wouldn’t be happy about the situation.

Swanfeet · 30/07/2024 03:30

Ace56 · 24/07/2024 23:13

I think your spidey senses are tingling for a reason. It’s strange that she’s never been to your house - do you ever meet up together with her and your DH (and her partner, if she has one?), or is it always just DH and her alone? If so, that’s weird.

Also if he went away with her when you were heavily pregnant and then again when you had a newborn, wasn’t that only a few months apart? I absolutely wouldn’t have allowed the second trip!

I think OP’s spidey senses might be a bit on the slow side though

IcecreamWhatSandwich · 30/07/2024 03:56

Blueuggboots · 29/07/2024 13:52

I have a lovely male friend who I have been friends with since I was 11. Were great friends and support each other BUT neither of us has ever been attracted to the other. We're both happily married to other people and meet up regularly in our own. There is NOTHING going on in our situation.

Do you go on holiday together, just the two of you, including when one of your partners has just had a baby or is just about to have a baby?

MapleTreeValley · 30/07/2024 04:03

i don't think there's anything wrong with a man and a woman being friends. But a week away abroad together soon after you'd had a baby?! Er, no. Why on earth didn't you put your foot down?

MulberryMoon · 30/07/2024 04:03

EmoCourt · 24/07/2024 23:35

I’ve gone on holiday with male friends all my life. No one tumbles onto anyone’s genitals. DH occasionally sees an old friend in Barcelona. Our marriage is happy.

Yes, OP, I think you have too much time on your hands. Go back to work and do the hobbies and volunteering in your free time.

Show quote history

That's great that you'd be happy for your dh to go on holiday with another woman if you were very ill in the late stages of pregnancy and then again shortly after the child was born. Be sure to suggest your dh does that.
Most people wouldn't be happy though and that's fine and normal.

WorriedMama12 · 30/07/2024 04:15

"He went on holiday with her when I was very ill in the late stages of my pregnancy and then again shortly after our DD was born."

I'd have binned him purely for this. What the fuck is this man all about??

Sinderalla · 30/07/2024 04:18

I think you shouldn't have given up your work for the reasons you gave & the devil makes work for idle minds.

Sinderalla · 30/07/2024 04:19

CranfordScones · 24/07/2024 23:43

I think I must be in the minority. I have friendships of the type you describe. I think most people can't accept that people of the opposite sex can really be just friends.

So true

Garlickest · 30/07/2024 04:20

he often travels for work, usually to other continents and for weeks as he works for a giant corporation, so there's no way really for me to know where he is

This makes no sense. Do you mean he doesn't tell you where he is? Do you ask? Don't you speak, video call, while he's away? Doesn't he want to see the baby?

Going on holiday while you're ill, pregnant or have just given birth is appalling behaviour. Never mind that the holidays were with another woman.

It doesn't really sound like you're married Confused

Summerhillsquare · 30/07/2024 04:28

You need a nice male friend to book a holiday with asap. You'll soon find out!

IceCream889 · 30/07/2024 04:28

He went on holiday with her when I was very ill in the late stages of my pregnancy and then again shortly after our DD was born.

Wtf?.I don't understand this at all. Why are you still with him?

Whatatodo79 · 30/07/2024 04:35

Well it is pretty suspicious, as is the general idea of beimg neglectful if he went away before and after the birth of your child. This cannot have only just occurred to you though? What has changed that has made this seem unacceptable to you now when it's been the case for 14 years? Some marriages I guess do work like this, none that I would want to have tbf.

somewhatmiffed · 30/07/2024 05:11

Have you ever discussed this? Did you tell him you're uncomfortable with it? Who pays, do you share finances?

When I met dh he had female friends he would message/meet up with. I struggled with it (my issue not his) the friendships died out and I felt bad later on as I do trust dh .

But even though I completely trust dh I wouldn't be happy with him going on holiday with another woman. The cost for a start but also the unique shared memories, the intimacy of a holiday.

I can see why you would have felt unable to say something when you were young (or maybe felt more relaxed about it. But I think it's reasonable to discuss it. You are married with a child you should be making these decisions jointly.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 30/07/2024 05:19

Op why was this ok for you for years and not anymore?

How do you not know where he is? I travel for work, dp knows where I am. If he started saying ‘you could be anywhere’ rather than where I say I am, I would find it really odd after so many years of being together.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with dp having a female friend I don’t know (or don’t know well) and going on holiday with them, but I wouldn’t have started a relationship with him if that was what he liked to do. Or finished it pretty sharpish, if I didn’t find out until after.

I generally think if you get into a relationship with people who do things like this and choose to stay, you are choosing to accept it. You married him and had kids with knowing this was what he did.

Could it be you are starting to realise you are unhappy in the marriage in general and this is the one tangible thing you focus on? Or that you think if this one thing changed you would be happy? If so I suggest you go back to work, because your unhappiness will only get worse and it’s better to be a in a position where you can leave, before it gets to breaking point.

LAMPS1 · 30/07/2024 06:09

Holiday time is very precious to most families. They usually want to spend it together.
Time with your children is usually precious and a priority especially if you have to travel away for work a lot.
In a marriage, you put your spouse first as they are precious to you and you both equally deserve holiday opportunities.

Yes it’s ok to have friends of the opposite sex, I’d say most people do, it’s not unusual at all.

However, if my DH went on two holidays in less than a year around the birth of our first born, with an old girl friend of his I had never met, I would automatically think that was reason to be suspicious. YANBU to think something is going on. But I don’t understand why you have never insisted on meeting her already. Or going with them on their holidays for ‘a week or so’. The phrase ‘Hiding in plain sight’ comes to mind.

Also OP, this may be shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted now, but do insist on knowing where in the world your DH is at all times. You can always call him and ask where he is while he’s away I know, and he may give that as a reason not to bother giving you his itinerary, but I would insist on knowing where he is as I would actually be interested in his travels.
i think a married couple with young children should at least know where their spouse is going, which hotel they are staying in etc, when one of them travels for work. What if there was an emergency and you couldn’t reach him by phone and you had no idea which city or hotel he was in …not even which continent he was on! Of course there’s a way to know where he is. Tell him you expect to have his travel itinerary before he goes away next time! It’s only sensible. It’s not cool at all for him to be so blase about it. In fact it’s very suspicious.

I think your DH has had a bit too much freedom to be with whoever he likes, wherever he likes through his giant corporation job. And it’s high time you reined him in a bit and found out exactly what’s going on. Good luck OP, you must be feeling very uncomfortable about it all by now.

Morningcrows · 30/07/2024 06:36

For me the red flag is her never coming to your house.

GabriellaMontez · 30/07/2024 06:58

He went on holiday with her when I was very ill in the late stages of my pregnancy and then again shortly after our DD was born

How did you feel about this? It would have been the end of the relationship for me.

But it sounds like you are trapped without work/money.

BigMandyHarris · 30/07/2024 07:01

I wouldn’t be happy about this
windows and walls