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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think something is on?

73 replies

JodiBeresford · 24/07/2024 23:05

I have been happily married for 14 years and we have a 4 yo daughter. My DH was my first (and only) boyfriend and we have always been very honest and open about our relationships, feelings, sex, etc. I am aware he had other girlfriends in the past as he is 4 years older and I was 18 when we met. He has also had other female friends. One of them continues to be his friend to this day and almost every year he goes away with her on a short holiday, a week or so, abroad. He went on holiday with her when I was very ill in the late stages of my pregnancy and then again shortly after our DD was born. He doesn't see her as often nowadays although he often travels for work, usually to other continents and for weeks as he works for a giant corporation, so there's no way really for me to know where he is. Since leaving my job as a teacher to dedicate myself to hobbies, volunteering and raising our DD, I have often thought that perhaps there's more than just friendship between my DH and this woman he has known since adolescence. He has reassured me it is nothing and that they always take separate rooms, etc but I don't know. She has never visited us despite our house being quite open and often receiving guests. Is it just me having too much time on my hands to overthink and catastrophise? AIBU to think something is going on.

OP posts:

stormstormystormstorm · 30/07/2024 07:10

LAMPS1 · 30/07/2024 06:09

Holiday time is very precious to most families. They usually want to spend it together.
Time with your children is usually precious and a priority especially if you have to travel away for work a lot.
In a marriage, you put your spouse first as they are precious to you and you both equally deserve holiday opportunities.

Yes it’s ok to have friends of the opposite sex, I’d say most people do, it’s not unusual at all.

However, if my DH went on two holidays in less than a year around the birth of our first born, with an old girl friend of his I had never met, I would automatically think that was reason to be suspicious. YANBU to think something is going on. But I don’t understand why you have never insisted on meeting her already. Or going with them on their holidays for ‘a week or so’. The phrase ‘Hiding in plain sight’ comes to mind.

Also OP, this may be shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted now, but do insist on knowing where in the world your DH is at all times. You can always call him and ask where he is while he’s away I know, and he may give that as a reason not to bother giving you his itinerary, but I would insist on knowing where he is as I would actually be interested in his travels.
i think a married couple with young children should at least know where their spouse is going, which hotel they are staying in etc, when one of them travels for work. What if there was an emergency and you couldn’t reach him by phone and you had no idea which city or hotel he was in …not even which continent he was on! Of course there’s a way to know where he is. Tell him you expect to have his travel itinerary before he goes away next time! It’s only sensible. It’s not cool at all for him to be so blase about it. In fact it’s very suspicious.

I think your DH has had a bit too much freedom to be with whoever he likes, wherever he likes through his giant corporation job. And it’s high time you reined him in a bit and found out exactly what’s going on. Good luck OP, you must be feeling very uncomfortable about it all by now.

This!

Time to put on your big girl pants, realize your boundaries and have some frank discussions.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 30/07/2024 07:32

He went on holiday with her when I was very ill in the late stages of my pregnancy and then again shortly after our DD was born.

I’m sorry, what?!

Are you sure he’s working away?

Blueuggboots · 30/07/2024 07:46

I haven't been on holiday with my male friend, no and certainly not if his wife or my partner were ill! I'm not condoning that. I was just pointing out that having a really good friend of the opposite sex is possible.....

ViscountDreams · 30/07/2024 07:51

I've selected YABU because you've been far to passive about this for years.

Dh has friends both male and female. Absolutely fine. Going on a solo holiday with a female 'friend'? Um, no.

Of course she's not just a friend op.

Jonisaysitbest · 30/07/2024 08:08

This definitely sounds odd.
The fact that you are posting here means you feel uncomfortable about this situation.
You are currently very vulnerable because you have small dc & you aren't working.
Even if this situation with your DH is entirely innocent, let it be a warning to you to make changes in your life. Look to getting back to work or retraining in some way and make steps towards financial independence rather than focussing on your hobbies. Protect yourself just in case this "friendship" is not what it seems.

user1492757084 · 30/07/2024 08:17

Calmly suggest that you would enjoy going on the week long holiday too next time.
Include yourself in their friendship sometimes and see how it feels and looks.

I doubt you would book yourself into a week long holiday with a boy you knew from years ago - every year.

Who has that many holiday, to be able to spend some with friends every year?
It is weird.

Every1sanXpert · 30/07/2024 11:30

Had he not swanned off on holiday with her when u were heavily pregnant and shortly
after the baby was born I would have said probably just friends. But it sounds like those occasions he’s placating a jealous angry girlfriend who knows he has a new baby. I do believe men and women can be friends I have male friends but I wouldn’t dream of going on holiday for a week with them. I barely get that time with my husband

Eskimalita · 30/07/2024 22:33

No husband goes on holiday in the latter stages of his wife’s pregnancy. Troll rubbish that didn’t happen. Go away.

cestlavielife · 30/07/2024 22:36

This is not happily married

He went on holiday with her when I was very ill in the late stages of my pregnancy and then again shortly after our DD was bor

This is a dh who does not give a damn about his wife

Doingtheboxerbeat · 30/07/2024 22:40

Anyone else getting the impression that each I think my partner might be cheating with his friend are getting progressively worse than the last?

MummyJ36 · 30/07/2024 22:42

Props to you for taking this long to get suspicious !!!!

SaintHonoria · 30/07/2024 22:45

It reads to me that they very much have something from their past that they want to keep going because for whatever reason they cannot be together.

The fact that she won't visit you and see where and how you love makes me think he's told her you have separate bedrooms etc or that she is so in love with him she couldn't stand to see the marital home and child you have.

Champere · 30/07/2024 22:45

Even if it were platonic it’s still inappropriate for a married person to do this.

CharlotteLucas3 · 30/07/2024 23:29

A man who goes on holiday when you’re very ill and heavily pregnant doesn’t love you. My exH wasn’t perfect but I don’t think he’d have left my side.

Screamingabdabz · 31/07/2024 00:01

There are always a bunch of outliers that come onto threads like these saying how platonic friendships are normal and they’re happily married and they’ve got loads of male friends dadida etc etc…These are not the norm op. And their need to justify their own integrity is unhelpful.

Most normal married people don’t do this. Going away for a week a year???? No no no. What are they even doing on holiday? Sightseeing? Sunbathing? Even if it was platonic, it is highly inappropriate.

Sherryonthecake · 31/07/2024 00:15

Frankly it was shitty of him to go away at all when you were ill and heavily pregnant unless it was completely unavoidable.

He sounds like an uncaring, selfish prick. Having his cake and eating it.

DangerousAlchemy · 31/07/2024 07:01

EmoCourt · 24/07/2024 23:35

I’ve gone on holiday with male friends all my life. No one tumbles onto anyone’s genitals. DH occasionally sees an old friend in Barcelona. Our marriage is happy.

Yes, OP, I think you have too much time on your hands. Go back to work and do the hobbies and volunteering in your free time.

Show quote history

That's actually pretty rude @EmoCourt ! She is doing tiring unpaid work - she's looking after their 4 year old full time 🙄🙄🙄 Don't tell me you're another SAHP basher!

EmoCourt · 31/07/2024 08:32

DangerousAlchemy · 31/07/2024 07:01

That's actually pretty rude @EmoCourt ! She is doing tiring unpaid work - she's looking after their 4 year old full time 🙄🙄🙄 Don't tell me you're another SAHP basher!

Show quote history

I was responding to exactly what the OP said. That’s it’s only been since she quit her teaching job ‘to dedicate herself to ‘hobbies, volunteering and raising a four year old’’ that she’s been suspicious about this relationship. She specifically asks if it’s just because she ‘has too much time on her hands’. I would say yes. Being a SAHM suits very few people, and it’s disempowering being economically dependent on a spouse, especially one you think is being unfaithful.

LBFseBrom · 31/07/2024 10:50

EmoCourt · 31/07/2024 08:32

Show quote history

I agree Emo. I am glad I always worked, albeit part time for a few years, because it kept me in touch with workplace life and gave me a measure on independence. I didn't earn a lot but it certainly made a big difference and my child did not suffer at all. Later on, I worked full time and enjoyed it immensely. It's not a good idea to rely soley on one's spouse, you never know what might happen in the future. I have absolutely no complaints about mine but not everyone is fortunate in that respect.

MulberryMoon · 31/07/2024 11:55

EmoCourt · 31/07/2024 08:32

Show quote history

OP wrote in her first post
"almost every year he goes away with her on a short holiday, a week or so, abroad. He went on holiday with her when I was very ill in the late stages of my pregnancy and then again shortly after our DD was born."

You responded
"I’ve gone on holiday with male friends all my life. No one tumbles onto anyone’s genitals. DH occasionally sees an old friend in Barcelona. Our marriage is happy.
Yes, OP, I think you have too much time on your hands."

Thus dismissing her concerns as overthinking. Most of us disagree

Ourlittletalks · 31/07/2024 22:22

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 24/07/2024 23:15

Maybe she hasn't visited because your obvious disapproval shows through? Do you meet up with her too?

Does he go away with other friends? Is he secretive about his phone? Other than go away with her, does he do anything else with her which makes you suspicious? Is he a good husband and father and do his share?

Edited

Who cares if he’s a good husband and does his share? You sound very judgemental of the original poster, as if you would be perfectly fine with your husband going on two holidays with a female friend you’ve never met while you’re pregnant and postpartum. Give over.

Sara107 · 01/08/2024 23:00

You’re calling a week or so (so maybe even more than a week) a short holiday. How much annual leave does he have, as that seems like a significant chunk of it if he gets the normal 25-30 days. I would be a bit resentful if my partner was skipping off for week long hols on a regular basis with anyone.

Madwife3006 · 02/08/2024 14:15

So many red flags.
I’d say your senses/intuition is right.
I think it’s time to introduce some boundaries in to your marriage. Taking holidays alone with a member of the opposite sex being one of them!

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