Can't cope with my mothers obsession anymore

[elliem12368]

Sorry in advance for the longish post here but hear me out I'm 24 have a son who's 3. I'm separated from his father . We parted on awful terms but are coming ok again for the sake of our son. Will never be together again btw. But anyway. When my son was born for a year or so I couldn't face him after what had happened so I got my mother to do contact with him until i came to terms with everything my head was a mess but thankfully things are good now so it was handier for my mother to have the communication with my child's father. For this year or so anyway they got along well talked and communitcated well for the sake of my son . But within this time my mother has gotten "obsessed" or something by him🫤 my mother is 52 and my son's father is 23... when I got my own health and well being sorted me and my child's father back in December started communication instead of my mother doing it. We get along well now which is better than what we did.. so when I took over the contact my mother couldn't cope with this and started getting nasty... my child's father told me in January he had a new girlfriend and was expecting another child. As it's not my business I was ok with this and as long as it's not affecting my child i don't care. The time he has with my child stays the same and the arrangements so I said that's fine I'm not bothered. On the other hand my mother couldn't cope with this for some reason threatened to send anonymous letters to the my child's fathers girlfriend saying about the wrong he had done in the past (4 years ago nearly) I said that is completely not your business , when I told her NO it's not our business she fell out with me and said I depise him he doesn't deserve to have a life at all... he takes my son every second week so on the weekends he doesn't have him obviously being a young lad at 23 he goes out and has a few drinks with his friends (again his own business ) on the weekends he doesn't have my son the next morning my mother without fail says to me was he out last night where was he what was he doing. On Sunday I said to her why are you soo bothered like seriously! She said it's not that I'm bothered he just doesn't deserve to have a life. She said she wants him to suffer because he's out enjoying himself. All this has started since I took over contact and since my child's father has started going out and enjoying himself and has got a girlfriend. Why on earth would my mother be acting like this? It's dragging me down big time I'm starting to think am I the one being unreasonable!! It's almost as if she's a woman scorned as people would say for no apparent reason. How would I even address this whole situation . Sorry again for long post!

Are you living at home with your mother? Maybe she is completely mad at him. She is probably thinking he has got off scot free with a young child with one woman and another baby on the way with another woman and is able to live life as a 23 year old should be. She is probably wishing you had never met him and that you could be living life in the same way as he is.

I used to see it that way but now I'm questioning it. She' is constantly asking me is his Snapchat score moving much, who would he be talking to, did you come across him on tinder did you see him when you we're out.

It does sound like a woman scorned…honestly reading it I thought did they have some sort of fling. Hopefully that isn’t the case!

No they definitely didn't as I was always In the house when drop offs were taking place and my mother is mostly at home with us. But I thought the same tbh "woman scorened" I thought I was being unreasonable have. No idea why she would be going on the way she is ..

It does sound like she's wierdly obsessed with him 😳 I think you should warn him to block her on all of his social media. You need to have a conversation with her and tell her that she is behaving very oddly and she needs to stop obsessing about him. When she brings him up in future, just say you don't care what he's doing in his private/social life, you're not interested in talking about him at all and stick to it.

I think we’re jumping to assumptions here, perhaps she’s protective of you and feeling some of the anger she (rightly or wrongly) thinks you should be feeling. Why don’t you ask her? Why she’s so angry?

It sounds like she is 'a woman scorned' on your behalf. I realised a few years after my divorce, that my sisters hated my exhusband more than I did! We are now in our 70s and I have been divorced for 30 years, I remarried and had a great life with my second husband. I try not to be bitter about my exhusband, as we had 2 sons together, but if he ever comes up in conversation, my sisters are obviously still very angry about his behaviour at the time.
As your child is still very young, and you will need to coparent with him for some time, perhaps you could point out to your mother, that she is entitled to her feelings about him, but the negativity is not helpful to either you or your child.

I mean, she's probably pissed off on your behalf? She doesn't have to like him. Is he paying what he needs to? With another on the way at 23, I wouldn't blame her if she worries he'll have payments lowered. There's another kid now. Soon, anyway.

She’s angry in your behalf by the sounds of it. I don’t blame her, you haven’t gone in to details about what happened when you two broke up. It sounds like she did a lot for you at the time though. Now she sees him living his life another baby on the way and she feels pissed off that’s he’s seemingly carried on without a thought.

Your mother sounds batshit.
Tell him to block her on all SM.
Refuse to discuss him or his life with your mother.
He sounds like a right prize....second child at 23🙄.

I read this through and my first thought was that your Mum, may have a crush on your ex. She was communicating exclusively with him, on your behalf for an entire year. As soon as you take back the communication and your ex not only has a girlfriend but another baby on the way, she flips her lid. She says he doesn't deserve a life, and is behaving like she personally has been wronged. I understand you are her daughter, but you and he, have been separated for some time, it's not like you've just separated! Where he is, what he's doing, who he sees is absolutely none of her business or yours for that matter. You need to sit your Mum down and be honest with her, in a calm manner, tell her she is behaving like she's a scorned woman, that she's become unhealthy obsessed with him. Hopefully, you might knock some sense into her! If she does have a crush, she'll never admit that, but it may make her see how ridiculous she's being!

Agree. I don't she's batshit at all. Especially not without knowing what he did to you. I'm not saying you should tell, but it will influence your mother's attitude.

She’s angry on your behalf. She’s taking it too far, but it sounds that it’s based on normal motherly concern.🤷‍♀️

It sounds to me like your mum is empathising with you and your situation so much that she feels a lot of anger and disappointment towards him and his actions, despite the fact that you are ok with it. She obviously feels hurt (on your behalf but in a strange way since you are not feeling hurt) that he has apparently got off scot free from his actions, whereas you and maybe her and still trying to recover from them - and now he has probably started the toxic cycle again with another woman! Unlikely he will suddenly transform into a great partner but as you say, not your problem.

So as a mother in my 50s myself, I don't see anything sexual in your mother's response but more she is living her life too much through yours. Put bluntly, she needs more hobbies and interests so that she isn't obsessing so much over your situation and relationship with your ex. I do feel some sympathy for your mum as I know what it's like to feel very strongly about your child's partner and get very upset on your child's behalf when they are treated badly and find it hard to let those feelings of anger go. I think it is a sign that she loves you very much.

Omg sounds like she's jealous or something? And that the 'woman scorned' attitude is just a smoke screen to how she really feels about his new gf and baby on the way! Very very strange!! I would definitely pre warn him about her attitude because it'll come back on you and make things horrible for your son if you were to fall out 😞

She also had to deal with his sorry arse for an entire year directly following whatever he did that was so awful that you couldn't face him. No wonder she's invested.

She built a relationship with him while she did drop offs- maybe hoping you’d get back together, maybe just being polite to ease the situation.

She has put herself out and worked hard to accept him despite his behaviour. She’s effectively been forced to cover for the fact he’s inadequate And to step up and take his role.

Now he’s off fannying about like a man with no responsibilities. I’d be equally scathing about him to be honest. You’ve forgiven him. She hasn’t.

OP, just wondering if your mum was a single parent? Her behaviour does seem very strange. I agree that a calm chat about why she’s so annoyed and frustrated may be in order.

I agree, not batshit at all, but living through your life, she's over invested in how she thinks you should still feel. You've moved passed it but she is angry on your behalf and can't let it go because she's your mum.
She realises that he will probably do the same to the gf in a couple of years if that, so feels her anger is justified that he is not a great person in any sense and potentially a serial dad.

She maybe just thinks you are being ‘innocent’, forgiving him.

But you are right to do so.

Staying angry hurts nobody but yourself. I hope your mother can forgive him too, because her grandchild is half of him!!

So you think your mother has a thing for your ex-boyfriend, a 23 year old who has two kids by two different women, is that what you’re saying?
Don’t you think there could be any other explanation?
she’s obviously angry about the way he’s treated her daughter!!

It does sound like your mother is massively over-involved op.

Do you think she is thinking ahead to when your ex’s baby is born? Maybe she is worried on your behalf about finances ? And also how your ex will split his time? Or that he will be a less involved father to your child overall? Or somehow that your grandchild will be less “special” and slightly on the outside of your ex’s nuclear family?

Or, in the year that your mum facilitated contact, she might have thought that to an extent that she was in control, that she had somehow made it all run smoothly and your ex was developing a great bond with his child because of her and she enjoyed being at the centre of it all?

And now your ex has a new relationship, she might feel jealous of the “new” woman on the scene who will be your child’s step-mother? (Not jealous in a wierd way but she’s worried that she will become third in the queue after you, and the child’s step-mum? That she has been replaced somehow?)

Also, during that year, your mum probably poured a lot of love and energy in to your child, and in to facilitating contract, and now she is not doing that any more, she doesn’t have anywhere for those feelings to go? She feels a bit redundant. And maybe can’t move on until she’s had some formal acknowledgement from you of what a great job she did?

The way to solve this is to do what you are already doing, but more, that is, take charge. Don’t rely on your mum as much or talk to her about your relationship with your ex. Emphasise that this is a new phase and you and your ex are moving on and that she should do the same?

Maybe invite your mum out for a special lunch and give her flowers and a card saying how how grateful you were for all
of her help facilitating contact and that you couldn’t have done without her support (reminds her of her importance while drawing a line under past).

At the same time tell her gently but firmly that she needs to stop obsessing about your ex’s life and focus on her own (demonstrate how you are moving on with your life too so she has no need to worry.)

Emphasise that it’s a new chapter now and ask her what is she doing with all the extra time she has? (Redirect her focus.).

Finally, suggest some fun things that you, your mum, and her grandchild might like to do together in future? (Reminds her that she’s not redundant and there are new things to look forward to.)

If none of that works, and she won’t or can’t leave it alone, go grey rock and slightly step back from her and every time she mentions your ex say something like “leave it alone mum please, we’ve moved on, why haven’t you?”

This strikes me as one of those threads where it'd be interesting to hear the mum's viewpoint. On the face of it she does have a point to still harbour resentment towards such a paragon of fatherhood...

So you are living with your mum? She's basically had to step in where he's stepped out? Your life will be impacted by having a child while he gets off Scott free. I would be angry too if someone did something to hurt my dd and I was faced with it every day with her living with me, particularly if I had an active roll raising the child in place of the father. It's not exactly easy to get your own home and it will be harder saving for that with a child.

I do agree the best thing is to not be upset and to move on as amicable co parenting is best for your child though. Have a conversation with her and ask what's going on and say how you want to do what's best for your child

Sounds to me like your mum parked her anger about your ex so that she could cope with dealing with him when you couldn't manage it. Now that she doesn't have to do that anymore, her outrage at how her daughter has been treated is surfacing. And it sounds natural to me that she feels so strongly.

But yes, it's not healthy, and she needs to find a way to make peace with it, for her own sake as well as for yours.