Can't cope with my mothers obsession anymore

[elliem12368]

Sorry in advance for the longish post here but hear me out I'm 24 have a son who's 3. I'm separated from his father . We parted on awful terms but are coming ok again for the sake of our son. Will never be together again btw. But anyway. When my son was born for a year or so I couldn't face him after what had happened so I got my mother to do contact with him until i came to terms with everything my head was a mess but thankfully things are good now so it was handier for my mother to have the communication with my child's father. For this year or so anyway they got along well talked and communitcated well for the sake of my son . But within this time my mother has gotten "obsessed" or something by him🫤 my mother is 52 and my son's father is 23... when I got my own health and well being sorted me and my child's father back in December started communication instead of my mother doing it. We get along well now which is better than what we did.. so when I took over the contact my mother couldn't cope with this and started getting nasty... my child's father told me in January he had a new girlfriend and was expecting another child. As it's not my business I was ok with this and as long as it's not affecting my child i don't care. The time he has with my child stays the same and the arrangements so I said that's fine I'm not bothered. On the other hand my mother couldn't cope with this for some reason threatened to send anonymous letters to the my child's fathers girlfriend saying about the wrong he had done in the past (4 years ago nearly) I said that is completely not your business , when I told her NO it's not our business she fell out with me and said I depise him he doesn't deserve to have a life at all... he takes my son every second week so on the weekends he doesn't have him obviously being a young lad at 23 he goes out and has a few drinks with his friends (again his own business ) on the weekends he doesn't have my son the next morning my mother without fail says to me was he out last night where was he what was he doing. On Sunday I said to her why are you soo bothered like seriously! She said it's not that I'm bothered he just doesn't deserve to have a life. She said she wants him to suffer because he's out enjoying himself. All this has started since I took over contact and since my child's father has started going out and enjoying himself and has got a girlfriend. Why on earth would my mother be acting like this? It's dragging me down big time I'm starting to think am I the one being unreasonable!! It's almost as if she's a woman scorned as people would say for no apparent reason. How would I even address this whole situation . Sorry again for long post!

7 years ago my daughter was treated very badly by her ex after a 10 year relationship (no kids involved thankfully). He cheated on her, lied to her. He even finally broke up with her by text... after 10 years together. She was left distraught. She lost stones in weight. She cried literally for weeks. She was in absolute pieces!! I have never been so frightened in my life. Every time the phone rang I was terrified of what I was going to hear. (She lived 100 miles away from me). She has only dated a couple of times in those 7 years due to the trust issues he left her with. But to this day the very mention of his name instigates absolutely fury in me. Rage like I feel for nothing else !!!!! Your mother is just feeling hurt for you. It's still relatively short a time. I get that she wishes him to be miserable.... you've no idea how much ill I wish on my daughter's ex !!! It's a mother thing. You'll find out one day when someone hurts your child and you can't fix it for him.

her feelings are valid
he is not much of a catch
and why is he still out and about with pending fatherhood

he shares your sons genes, doesnt appear to be a role model in this respect

It sounds like your mum has had to massively step up and is deeply resentful of having to do this. His actions have had major consequences for her life and she is angry that he can continue to live his life like nothing has happened.

Your mum's obsession is not healthy.

Are you living with your mum? If so, I think you need to look at getting a place of your own.

ototh if her attitude is dragging you down, just tell her, he is the father of your child, her grandchild.
please dont talk anymore about him

I would feel like your mother if my daughter was left minding a baby (most of the time) and her ex was out partying and having more children. I wouldn't go on about it (I hope) but I would certainly be angry.

I thought exactly the same.
She has to stop as your son will pick up on the negativity about his father.

Why not tell her you are angry too (even if you’ve moved healthily to the indifference stage) but that you are letting it go because you want a positive co parenting relationship going forward. That you will be upset with her if she says/does anything that jeopardises that. So for your and your sons sake will she please calm down.

Even if it is a weird crush she has, that message should still get through.

Was your ex abusive? I'd be worried about another woman and child being exposed to that. I would also be angry as a mother if my daughter was victim to it and would be worried about them managing contact alone.

She can probably see the way this is going, with him fathering more kids and having less time and money for each one as it goes. Sounds like you must’ve had your kid with him when you were barely out of your teens so she’s probably been pretty involved all along, it’s hard to step back from that.

'Mum, I know he's a prick, you don't have to tell me that. However, I've got to deal with him for the next 15 years whether I like it or not, so I don't need you chewing my ear off about him every five minutes or having a go at his latest girlfriend. I just don't care about what he does anymore'.

She's angry because he was so cruel to her baby and grandson, the best people in the whole world. Wouldn't be surprising if he had been a dick to her during handovers as well or spun her a load of guff about the future. And there'll also be the fear that he'll change his mind about being a Dad once the new baby comes along.

She's angry because she couldn't protect you from getting hurt almost as soon as you reached adulthood and knows if he decides to, she can't protect him from hurting your son and as a result of your son's hurt, you all over again. It's out of love and protectiveness for both of you that she's angry, nothing else.

it seems that you are being passive. you should care op

One of my best friends had 3 children under 3..twins. Her dh up and left her. She was upset but got on with things. I was furious. I couldn't look at him. I wanted to go crazy with him. Our whole group felt the same. However my friend said: l don't need this. I dont want you all going crazy. We had to back down. And this was a friend..not a daughter. She is devastated you are left holding the baby. This is not her dream for you. Just explain to her that it's not helping..that you don't need this. But it's her fierce mother love. You will be similar with your own as they grow.

I think (hope!) it’s that it’s the mama bear and the ‘eff you, how dare you get to just start up a whole new life’. My mum would definitely think ‘what- you’re his responsibility, how dare he?!’

She sounds obsessed with him. I would be concerned because I think it’s likely she will go ahead and try to damage him, and you will get the blame.

I don’t know how you could broach this with the ex though.

Just tell her to back off and that she’s coming across as creepy. That might shock her into realising her obsession is batshit.

You haven't answered as to whether you live or lived with your mum. I'd be angry in her shoes if you did or do. Why isn't he 50/50? Was DM a single parent?
20 is very young to become a parent, to have two DC with different mothers, presumably unmarried, makes him look irresponsible.
She might be obsessed but I can see why she's angry if the above is true.

I understand where she is coming from. I would have had the bastard hung drawn and quartered if he´d hurt my baby. I think she has had to swallow her anger and bring herself to be in contact with him and it is now surfacing. You do need to speak to her though on how to cope and calm things down. But it is anger on your behalf. Not some damned crush!

Did your mum did the primary care of your child or step in more than normal to support you in the early days? I suspect she saw the huge impact the break up had on you and, as a result, the knock on for her and is projecting all of that, as well as her own annoyance at him.

In general, possibly excluding the likes of those who look like they belong in Hollywood, immature men in their early twenties who clearly have unprotected sex and already have children by more than one woman are not a catch or something to be lusted after. Especially not by a woman mature enough to know better.

If she is scorned, for want of a better word, it’s on your behalf. She is probably furious that he has got her daughter pregnant and moved on which is why his social life interests her. Perhaps he promised her that his behaviour with you wasn’t typical of him and, whilst they were communicating, she believed he was better than he was but now she sees him for what he is and what he had done to her daughter and grandchild.

If you're not bothered, why is she? Sounds like she has a crush 😬

She does sound very obsessed if she's asking for his Snapchat score and asking questions about him. But it seems to me that she was civil to him for the sake of you and your child, but now you are in a better place she can let out her true feelings that she hasn't forgiven him for what he did to you

Not the point here, but what is it with people having to have kids with every single person they meet and then they move on to next. I’m not from the UK and I just wonder why it seems to be so common there.

My sister despises my ex and has said similar things to me even though it’s been 6 years, she hates him. I actually find it sweet as she obviously feels fiercely protective. But your Mum is bringing unnecessary negativity into your life at this point. I get the impression you’re still living with her which isn’t the best set up, could you get your own place?

Your ex sounds like a right one tbh it’s just typical of a scummy lad that he’s having another baby with another woman so quickly.

This. I have to agree with it and agree she needs to be told to leave alone.

I’d like to think it’s really not common here and I can’t think of any in my immediate circle who have done this and very few at school. In 2022 44% of households with children in the UK only had one child and 41% had two so statistically, surely the majority of households with children don’t do this?

Ok fair enough. I probably spend too much time on MN, it just seems like there are so many single young parents out there, and men having children with three different women.

Tbh she just sounds absolutely fucked off with the situation.

Have I understood correctly that he never has his son at weekends so that he can go out drinking?