Can't cope with my mothers obsession anymore

[elliem12368]

Sorry in advance for the longish post here but hear me out I'm 24 have a son who's 3. I'm separated from his father . We parted on awful terms but are coming ok again for the sake of our son. Will never be together again btw. But anyway. When my son was born for a year or so I couldn't face him after what had happened so I got my mother to do contact with him until i came to terms with everything my head was a mess but thankfully things are good now so it was handier for my mother to have the communication with my child's father. For this year or so anyway they got along well talked and communitcated well for the sake of my son . But within this time my mother has gotten "obsessed" or something by him🫤 my mother is 52 and my son's father is 23... when I got my own health and well being sorted me and my child's father back in December started communication instead of my mother doing it. We get along well now which is better than what we did.. so when I took over the contact my mother couldn't cope with this and started getting nasty... my child's father told me in January he had a new girlfriend and was expecting another child. As it's not my business I was ok with this and as long as it's not affecting my child i don't care. The time he has with my child stays the same and the arrangements so I said that's fine I'm not bothered. On the other hand my mother couldn't cope with this for some reason threatened to send anonymous letters to the my child's fathers girlfriend saying about the wrong he had done in the past (4 years ago nearly) I said that is completely not your business , when I told her NO it's not our business she fell out with me and said I depise him he doesn't deserve to have a life at all... he takes my son every second week so on the weekends he doesn't have him obviously being a young lad at 23 he goes out and has a few drinks with his friends (again his own business ) on the weekends he doesn't have my son the next morning my mother without fail says to me was he out last night where was he what was he doing. On Sunday I said to her why are you soo bothered like seriously! She said it's not that I'm bothered he just doesn't deserve to have a life. She said she wants him to suffer because he's out enjoying himself. All this has started since I took over contact and since my child's father has started going out and enjoying himself and has got a girlfriend. Why on earth would my mother be acting like this? It's dragging me down big time I'm starting to think am I the one being unreasonable!! It's almost as if she's a woman scorned as people would say for no apparent reason. How would I even address this whole situation . Sorry again for long post!

I can see her point of view. He's been irresponsible and had left you looking after a kid. She probably wants to see you settled with a secure future and a loving, supportive husband.

I can absolutely see how you can get the impression from our media and forums though. I’m just really hopeful the stats and life experience are correct and it really is in the minority!

A' woman scorned' is a nasty misogynistic phrase that needs to stop doing the rounds

My daughters ex was vile. I think I sometimes get a bit like yr mum.she seems to have totally forgiven him and let's him have my DGDs when in my opinion he's not safe. It really annoys my daughter. Everytime I think about him my blood pressure goes up. Maybe yr mum feels the same.

She is being protective of you and her grandchild. She knows he's a useless twat and is annoyed he has got another girl pregnant when he is incapable of even low contact with her grandchild because he's hungover. Stop making excuses for him and see the situation for what it is. Trying to reframe it that your mum fancies your ex is pathetic.

This is rekindling sad memories from her past possibly.

This is how I see it. I'm so surprised posters are agreeing with that take.

I get what people are saying she's angry at him but it's no excuse to keep asking me what his Snapchat score is on, did u see him on tinder, was he out last night , did you see any snaps of him🙈

So just tell her to stop it. And mean it.

She’s rightfully angry at what he did to you but this is going way over the line now. And no way should she be contacting his new girlfriend, that woman has done nothing to any of you. TBH it is the sort of thing my mum would also do, she is terrible for watching peoples’ online activities. Too much time on her hands!

Can´t blame you, but to be fair out of my 9 English cousins, only 1 has had three kids with three different men, the rest are mainstream families and no male has done this.

People are different and often complicated. Some of us carry anger and disappointment around for ever. It could be that she feels you are a soft touch. and if you won't get angry, she has to do it on your behalf. If you refuse to be angry about him, maybe she's also worried that you will fall for another loser

Perhaps she thought you both might have gotten back together? Now he's moved on and with a baby on the way, it's now final. When you separated you went through that actual separation process, whereas she never did. She carried on seeing him ad spoke to him often. Now it's ended for her, it feels like she's begun that separation process now. Let her have her moment of sadness and anger, it won't last long.

I agree - and he does sound, at the very least, rather casual and careless.

However you are not living with him and have a friendly relationship for your child, so that is good.

You must tell your mother to stop going on about this because it is driving you potty! She can think what she likes but should not keep vocalising, it is not fair on you. I'd find that very wearing.

In any case, there is nothing she can actually do and the anxiety is probably wearing her out which achieves nothing.

She has to accept the situation as it even if she does not like it.

This will pass.

If she's anything like my mother, she enjoyed being your go-between and harboured a fantasy that you and would get back together.

Obviously, you're both adults with separate lives and this ain't happening, especially with a pregnant girlfriend.

Since you and he seem to be getting on I'd talk to him about the situation so he doesn't get blindsided by her

She is probably pointing out to you what a twat he is because you don’t seem to be realising it.

Perhaps she rightfully thinks he should be more of a parent instead of pissing about.

Maybe so but last week I told her to stop asking. Yesterday morning said to me again was he out last night did his score on Snapchat move much , I said I don't know she said oh maybe went to a house party or something did he

Tell him to block her, then.

Tell her that he should start paying her rent for taking up so much space living in her head.

You must tell her to stop, elliem. Whatever the rights and wrongs, your mother carrying on like this achieves nothing and it puts a strain on you when you have enough to deal with already.

Insist she takes a step back. She loves you and this situation has angered her but it is what it is.

You need peace in your home - so does your mother.

Why did you start this post because you are adamantly refusing to take on board any suggestion other than the least likely one which is she is interested in him?

Your mother is much older than me but I can always tell you that there is nothing at all appealing about your ex and when you grow up, I am sure you will look back and realise how ridiculous you come across by persisting with the thought that your mother is anything other than looking out for you.

Maybe she is annoyed by how much he has been a bad boyfriend and father.
And now he is super involved with his girlfriend and her pregnancy.
As a mother, you would be super annoyed knowing your 23 yr old daughter ditched and your grandson not seeing much of his dad.
Maybe she realises how horrible he was and the fact he had it in him to be a good bf and father and is doing that.
Maybe she feels her grandson has been betrayed.
Maybe she feels now her grandson won't see his father as her doesn't really have that affection with him.
A mother feels more pain for her children than she actually does for herself.
But the obsession needs to stop.
Maybe deep down she was trying to get you both together and thought it would be happy families.
If you are living with her, maybe she thought you would get back together and she could live her life again and now feels like that chance is gone.
Maybe her dad was neglectful and its bringing was memories.
Could be loads of reasons.
You need to sit with your mum and talk.

I can understand OPs mum feeling anger at the ex, and finding his behaviour difficult to forgive.

But let’s be honest, her obsession with his Snapchat activity and asking about photos of him on nights out sounds like a lovesick teenager.

No, you have not. Check the op.