AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

You seem to be forgetting OP that the woman wanted an abortion, your parents persuaded her to have the child, to then walk away based on DNA would be abhorrent

My parents don’t have a higher education and they aren’t wealthy.
I don’t feel superior, I just want my family to myself on the odd occasion.

I really, really hate this Reddit 'I F(34) met M (42)' bollocks. This is MN, we say DH, DD, tinkly laugh and fucking cock lodger. Read the room.

Also, you sound nice

You don't have to actively 'love' the girl, Happy, but that doesn't stop her being part of the family and your parents obviously have big enough hearts to care for her. Please be generous and kind to this child who has done nothing wrong. She is not the only cuckoo in the nest in this world and that is hardly her fault.

🤣🤣

was your brother and the mother of this child still a couple despite the DNA test results? Or did they split before or soon after them? If they stayed a couple for a long time after or are still a couple then my point still stands and he’s essentially been or still is her stepfather and it’s understandable she’s still invited to family gatherings.

if not, then yes I agree it’s weird the grandparents continued to see and invite the child, but you needed to separate the kids then and there, and not keep them seeing each other if you didn’t want them to bond. Even if this meant stopping them going to family events. It would be crap, but fairer to stop your own children going to family parties than insist your parents leave this poor girl out after so many years of her being invited.

essentially I think now that they’re bonding it would be cruel to not let them see each other, and as I said if you did stop them it would mean they’d have to stop going to family gatherings and only seeing grandparents on their own with you. They would pick up on your reasons quickly I expect, especially as they get older, children are smart. And you’d be forced to tell them the truth and sound like an arse, or lie to them their whole lives. No idea what lie you’d even be able to tell. You would be found out anyway, as adults they would discuss it or they’d likely bump into the girl at a family funeral or something and get talking.

Your username is ridiculous given your initial post.

😂

I don’t understand what you want out of this. It’s been 8 years , your parents aren’t going to suddenly drop this girl from their lives so you need to accept that.
You don’t refer to yourself as her aunt, you barely see her according to your own posts and you live quite a distance away. I’m sure you can dig down deep somewhere and summon up a small amount of empathy and be a courteous decent human when you see her at events your parents host and make a small effort with her as someone who is close to your parents for the handful of times you see her in a year .

For someone 'highly educated and successful' , your posts are very poorly written. Your brother doesn't sound particularly successful either...

She's a little girl with a terrible backstory. You don't have to love her but she's part of your family, albeit not blood related.

I truly am friendly to her. I even persuaded other relatives to keep engaging with her and keep gifting her on holidays because I know she didn’t choose this mess either.
Family is a gift and it’s not her fault she wasn’t that lucky in that respect. I’m sure she will have a happy life nonetheless, she’s very athletic and into nature and that’s good for her. She’ll find her place in life.

Your parents talked her out of an abortion, of course they feel a responsibility towards the child that they persuaded her to bring into the world.

And what did you think, the DNA test was going to come back negative and they'd immediately cut ties with a baby girl who has done absolutely nothing wrong and a young woman who got clean to look after her?

What would you be thinking if it came back positive? Would her lack of intelligence and education be acceptable if she was "blood"?

You don't sound like a very nice person.

The question was if I should include her in all family events I am hosting as you would with all immediate family.

@Lovefromjuliaxo she said they broke up when Y was pregnant.

OP did he see much of her as a baby, when he still thought she was his child?

No, he has never met her. I only met her once as a baby before I knew we weren’t related.

If they live so far away that you barely see them surely it’s a non issue? Is it practical for you to have like 10+ people staying at your home?

Of course I would invite anyone formally belonging to my family to any events I am hosting, blood relation or not.
I think the odd thing here is not my brother adopted her but my parents sort of unofficially.

My child's partner is not my blood relative, and for years they were quite antagonist towards me (I rather think there may be a biological reason why in-laws and partners may clash, but that's for another thread).

I'm quite sure my child's partner had their valid reasons, but we both persevered and both tried to make our relationship better.

It's great now, they are not blood related, but I value them as an important part of my family. In fact, if pushed, I'd choose them over some of my blood relatives.

Blood doesn't resonate with me. It's much more about if that person has been in and around my family and has been kind.

You're not convincing anyone OP if this is real. You sound like an utter snob.

I can see both sides to this.
OP, I think a lot of the resentment you harbour is towards your brother who has made your family dysfunctional in many ways. The relationship with your parents must have changed as a result of what is essentially an adoption. You will be mourning that to some extent. You will have missed out on many things, I'm sure. Adopting a child into a family with siblings is never easy, and that's essentially what this is. Now you see a "way out" and you're trying to recover some of what you feel you've lost. I understand, but it's too late now. You need to assert the family you have, and embrace it. For your parents, that family is very much including that little girl.

So basically it’s your brothers ex who presumably was cheating on him and got pregnant by someone else, then let him (and the rest of you) think she was his baby.

You’ve been jumped on here because you’ve been judgey about them and their situation. Had you not included all the extra info, I think the majority here would not blame you for being reluctant to accept them as actual family when they’re not.

Yes but less irritating than the 'they, hide the sexes" crap.

I have to agree with this. It shouldn't matter that the girl isn't biologically related. What's the problem? Children are innocent and vulnerable. Your attitude appears cold, harsh and judgemental. If you make it obvious that you don't like the girl, that will be hugely damaging to her. If you aren't going to love and embrace her, I strongly suggest that you don't see her at all

Given they don’t live nearby, how often do you host events?

A non issue ? It’s still 3-4 times a year plus now the christening coming up and summer beaks where my parents have her while her mom now works ( good for her). Well, I have tried waiting it out, it hasn’t made anything easier.
I’m afraid as the kids get older, they would notice and so don’t want to spark confusion or hurt anyone deliberately, even if some people on here think I’m a monster.
I wouldn’t be wasting my time asking for your opinions if I didn’t care about the girl and the mom at all. Then I would just treat her poorly or go nc with everyone which I’m not.
I am just at a point where I felt my own moral compass didn’t guide me safely anymore and to look for a fresh take this. Thank you all !