AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

I think your parents seem like very kind people.

🎶 a b c d e f g…

all together now….

I now understand why DD, DH, DS etc. are used on Mumsnet.

I just can’t be arsed with OPs full of initials instead of names, especially when the tale is so convoluted. Just make some names up ffs.

Like I said, they don’t live close by and I don’t need a babysitter.
And the situation has been there way before I started my own family.

Very much this. This child has been adopted into your family. Deal with your feelings before it damages your family relationships.

I get what you're saying here I really do but IMO this is absolutely not a true comparison. You can't draw a comparison between the man their daughter fell in love with and the woman who manipulated them into thinking they were related.

@Happygoluckywifey

One thing to think about is that Y didn't want to have the baby and your parents talked her out of terminating her pregnancy. Not necessarily because they wanted a grandchild, but for religious reasons. If I were them, that would create in me a great sense of responsibility to Y and also to that child, grandchild or no, and I respect them for that.

If you don't want to consider Y & S members of your family, so be it. But your parents have the right to consider them family if they choose to. You can accept that gracefully or you can make a stink about it. But I find that making stinks usually backfires.

Well he hasn’t got the same education. His problems started with the wrong friends when he was a young teen.

The mother of the child has also clearly had difficulties, who knows what prompted them BUT she has managed to turn her life around - sobered up, got off benefits (with the support and encouragement of your parents) and that to me is impressive and something to be proud of.

You say no common ground I suspect you don't want to try and find any, your parents seem to be able to.

I immediately thought FAS too. I'd treat them as family friends OP - kind to S, polite to Y, but not seeking them out.

As others have said, your posts about them drip with poorly disguised judgement and condemnation.

DNA and blood doesn’t make family. Connections between kind, caring, loving and respectful people make and sustain family relationships. For some people that comes with their blood relatives. For others it’s in-laws, some people adopt or foster, some find a chosen family within a friendship group.

I have nothing in common with my full blood related brother, we are like chalk and cheese. I’m also very different from both my SILs (DH sisters) who are also very different from each other and from DH. My DSD is not my biological child, but I’ve been with DH since she was two and she is my parents grandchild in every way that could possibly matter. I’ve got cousins who were adopted. I’m closer to my best friend of thirty years than I am to my blood and “in law” siblings.

These things simply do not matter. The effort and time and love that goes into the relationships is what matters.

Your parents understand that, they sound like good people who want to love and care for others. Try it sometime, lower yourself to care about and build connections with the “unsuccessful” people. You might be surprised!

Maybe he was a very successful and rich drug cartel boss

She does have family on her mom’s side, just no grandparents. Her half siblings are already adults and even have their own kids.

You don’t have to hang out or like them on a personal level but it would be kind to respect the wishes of your parents who see them as part of the family. Your parents sound caring and lovely.

You say they spent too much time in your view working and volunteering (presumably helping others) so it does seem like you feel they gave more time and love to others than to you, then and now.

Your feelings are valid but it is a separate issue that you need to discuss with them. At the moment you are deflecting your feelings onto this vulnerable lady and her child.

You say you and your brother are intelligent and capable, perhaps your parents thought you needed them less than others in the community. What do you think their reaction would be if you told them this wasn’t the case and you really want and need their support? Is it possible there is a place for all of you, blood family or not in there heart?

I also think it’s an important detail weather V’s relationship with your brother (exposing her children to drug use) was the catalyst for loosing the other children to SS. If so, maybe that is why your parents feel responsible for her situation?

don’t think it would matter if she fit in better and we enjoyed their company. We’re all highly educated, successfully people and she is, sorry to say, not the brightest. Can’t engage in any conversations, she still feels like a stranger who gets to join every gig.

Wow. just wow. she probably is better off if you don't join them with such an arrogant attitude.

You don't seem highly educated at all...what a waste of university fees.

So much irrelevant info, all the letters etc - why does it matter you are a middle class family and went to university? Wonder if a woman had claimed your university graduate brother had fathered their child then turned out not to hav would you have so much disdain for them? It comes across very snobbish and that you feel your family are too good to be associated with this poor little girl.

Wow, firstly, I am shocked at how incredibly unkind you come across. She may not be related to you by blood but has spent 8 years being part of your family. You may not have bonded with her but what an awful thing to say. Kids pick up on things like this, believe me, she will know how you feel even at 8.

My sisters friend grew up with a stepdad and when her mum and him split she still saw his family because they’d bonded so much. I know this isn’t quite the same but I think you need to have a serious think here about how you’re acting.

The paternity test should’ve been done a very long time ago but no point saying that now. This poor little girl will be shocked herself finding out who she thought was her dad wasn’t who she thought but she has grown up seeing you all as family. You cannot just write her off. When your kids are old enough to know if they don’t already, they will likely treat her just the same.

8 years is a long long time and I can see why your parents aren’t happy when you leave out this wee girl, who until recently thought her dad was your brother, especially as she gets on so well with your children. She will still see you as her auntie. Being left out of something that age is brutal, and likely your children will mention it and the poor thing will wonder what she did wrong to not be invited. If you attempt to keep your children away from her then they will wonder why, find out as they get older and likely be horrified in how you behaved.

im sorry that you feel like you don’t get on with her much, but your whole family are choosing to keep things how they are instead of brutally cutting her off just because she’s another person’s child, and I think they are absolutely right to do so

if the girl chooses to meet her real dad and his family she may spend less time with your lot as she grows up but it’s still possible she will make a lasting friendship with your children. Until then I wouldn’t be so unkind to leave her out like this.

Thanks, that’s what I have been doing so far.

Sorry to say, you misunderstood. The paternity test was done when she was 18 months, she is now 8. We have all known for quite a while now.

My kids can’t really tell her about events she missed yet, but I realize they are growing and there will definitely be questions ahead.

The child may well have additional needs, and may well not appear bright. That doesn’t mean she can’t be part of the family. Anyone can be born with additional needs. Your child may not be very bright. She’s still a baby, you can’t know. How would you like someone talking about her the way you talked about this little girl?

The op’s parents don’t sound “very kind” at all.

They are quite clearly extremely religious and manipulative with it. Manipulated S’s mother into keeping the baby when she was in no position to do so really, having lost 3 children to care due to her addiction issues, has manipulated the wider family into playing along with a lie for years. They only seem to be interested in “troubled” people if the op’s comments about her upbringing are anything to go by.

Neither S (being a child) or Y, her mother, are not actually the problem. The op’s parents are.

OP,
YABVU

Your parents adopted this girl as a grand-daughter from before she was born. The mother Y, yes she slept with another man or was raped but can’t really say that, and as per normal women can’t tell which sperm got to the egg. So YABU to say Y has manipulated and lied about the paternity of the girl since dot because the DNA test would have been a surprise to her as much as anyone,

Even if you think DNA matters the most, in the context of your parents being deeply religious they still are godparents to this little girl and so as a goddaughter, she is still part of the family.

You are incredibly cold, petty and judgemental towards this girl. I think perhaps your comment about the girl being a “do-over” for your parents was the most real thing you have said. I don’t think she is a do-over for your junkie convict brother though, but a do-over for you. She is getting all the love and attention you did not get when you were a little girl but should have. Your feelings are more akin to jealousy. If you are going to be angry at anyone, it’s your parents not this little girl. You need to have a chat with your parents and talk to them about your childhood and perhaps they have regrets as to how they were with you. This could be a chance for you to get the resentment in the open and get an apology from them.

Your parents sounds lovely, and it's not up to you to decide how they treat this child.

You on the other hand sound like a piece of work. This comment in particular:

I don’t think it would matter if she fit in better and we enjoyed their company. We’re all highly educated, successfully people and she is, sorry to say, not the brightest. Can’t engage in any conversations, she still feels like a stranger who gets to join every gig.

I can think of only one word to use to describe you, and it begins with a B. I can see why your parents might prefer this innocent child over you. Those who think being "highly educated and successful (successfully!!) people" is the be all and end all bore me to tears and I avoid them like the plague.

Some of the nicest, most down to earth people you can meet are highly intelligent, PhD holding people who dedicate their lives to helping vulnerable people and see their value and worth, not looking down on them with judgement.

You have some weird superiority complex because you went to Uni. Bizarre.

You are right is is only about my parents. They are the only ones pushing this.
As I have said countless times, mom and daughter are friendly and it doesn’t matter their background. It’s this adopted grandchild situation that bothers me because I feel like it interferes with the rest of us engaging as a family.

I have unsuccessfully brought things up while at university as soon as I had enough time and distance to reflect on things. They do not take ownership for any shortcomings. They even say church comes before family.

I meant to add, for the child's sake yes you are better off to stay out of her life, given your attitude towards her. She needn't be part of your family (I certainly wouldn't want to be), but your parents are entitled to do as they wish.