AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

She is not beneath me, she is just not family to me. I’m not asking anyone to cut her out of their lifes I’d merely like some occasions to be reserved for family. That in my perspective won’t change the girls life.
I won’t even deny some sense of jealousy, but I think this only shows that my parents are not handling the situation well with regards to their bio kids needs and wishes.

Some of the replies on this thread are so stupid I genuinely worry for the posters who wrote them.

Just keep going as you are @Happygoluckywifey It all sounds very messed up and I wouldn't get too involved. When your brother gets out, that's when you speak up. Are your parents going to try force this child on him? It's going to get uncomfortable if so.
This is why you keep a distance, if your kids ask, tell them the truth.
Ignore the absolute idiots on here who saw an opportunity to unleash the venom. They want you to believe that they would take this child in, yet the fact that this is how they get their kicks, I doubt that.

You were the one that bought intelligence into this by stating how educated you are. In fact you used the term smart pretty much straight off the bat and your first piece of information that you gave us was how you went to university. It really isn’t relevant to the conversation other than to tell us you’re judgemental and self-glorifying. This has nothing to do with education and either more than fact that you have poor people skills or just a blatant lack of respect for people who you deem aren’t as educated as you are. The way you talk about them makes it evident that you dislike them. Also, If you can’t see that there is a direct link between being educated and intelligence then your problems lie much further afield than this situation.

You unnecessarily criticised how an eight year old girl has to repeat Elementary year. It’s hardly a brag that you’re more educated than an eight year old is it? You come across at best classist and distasteful. The boastful nature of this entire post is actually very unpalatable. That’s not making anything up, many people have said the same so I would suggest take care how you present yourself if you don’t mean to be misunderstood because that’s not about language. It’s about your personality and how you’re betraying yourself by making yourself look unpleasant. It was obvious that you’re not British but if you post on a British-based platform attempting to brag about how educated you are, you will be flamed for barely making any sense regardless of your circumstances. No one takes kindly to snobbery. Having a basic level of compassion for people doesn’t make you holy which is the point that you’re missing here.

Your supermarket analogy is not remotely the same situation and you’ve actually fine pointed your entire lack of understanding of the situation with it. They are not strangers to your parents, to them they are family because they’ve chosen to be gracious and unprejudiced and opened their hearts to them in such a way a family would. It’s been eight years and the fact you cannot reconcile that you’re not DNA related enough to be respectful of your parents wishes says more about you than anyone else in the situation. You are continuing to wilfully misinterpret the situation based on semantics. They’ve been in your family unit now for eight years, they’re not strangers and the fact you are so unwilling to see them anything other than that after this amount of time shows that you don’t like them. If you did you would have made the effort to make them feel included once your parents made their position clear on the matter. Your parents are well aware they’re not related by blood but wish to treat them as such which is their choice. They equally do not have to live to please you either and they can treat them however they feel like regardless of your misgivings about the situation. Your brother brought this person into their lives and then got himself put in prison complicating the situation. The fact he waited 18 months whilst your parents bonded with the child to request a DNA test is entirely on him and so it’s him you should blame for this situation, not your parents or anyone else.

You have to accept the situation because by the sounds of it your parents won’t change their stance and you will forever be damaging your relationship with them by having no tolerance of these people who by your own admission have been nothing other than friendly towards them.

If I believe this thread, I should continue as a doormat and be an even flatter doormat 😆

Of course you don't have to invite them to your family events, they are just very close friends of your parents.

My mum has 2 close friends that are like sisters to her and I've known their children since we were babies. That doesn't mean I invite them over for Christmas.

OP: AIBU?

Posters: yes

OP: no I'm not.

Why did you even ask?

Due to it being badly written, I had to read the OP a couple of times to actually understand it.

OP, you could have presented the information far more succinctly had you thought about it and taken a bit more time.

The thing is, no matter what you think of the child and her mum, the mum was persuaded to have the child by your religious parents. She could have had an abortion but your parents offered to support her if she went ahead with the pregnancy. I think that they are therefore morally obliged to help the mum and baby. For them to walk away and leave her in that situation would be wrong IMO.

Does every post agree that the OP is BU?

This is so cold. What a shame for the girl growing up with all of this on her shoulders. Thankfully, your Mum and Dad are kinder than you. I'm glad she has the love she deserves.

Let’s be clear: you do not have to invite them to every event you host. You don’t have to invite every member of your ‘legal’ family even.

But you do not have to be so sneering and superior. And you do have to realise, as an adult and a mother, that many people’s capacity for love is not finite. If your parents have welcomed this woman into your lives it does not mean that she is replacing you. And they can love all their grandchildren, formal and informal, equally. You clearly seem to accept only ‘legal’ and ‘blood’ family as family. Many people, including apparently your own parents, are happy to include a greater number of people in their circle of family, and I think that’s admirable and charming.

I can see that there were probably many reasons for your parents acting the way they did and do. Guilt may play a part in it. You claim you behave well superficially, although I imagine it is highly likely that your true feelings are obvious. By all means carry on as you are, as you are not currently actively damaging anyone. But if you could try to find it within you to be more understanding and inclusive of others, and to think less of your own academic achievements and success, you would be a nicer person and probably happier too.

It has nothing to do with awkward conversations with your children and extended family because you must have had an awkward conversation about your brother’s long term incarceration.

It’s interesting watching you tie yourself in knots trying to find an ‘excuse’ why you resent this mother and child and while you flail around trying to find plausible excuses for your resentment, you really aren’t addressing the source of it. I suspect that your relationship with your parents is at the centre of your resentment and I guess that you don’t want to admit this, thus this mother and daughter pairing being a convenient target for those grievances.

Your parents in the beginning (before the DNA) test just tried to support their grandchild and post DNA results, continued their support because: of the bond that was created, because the relationship was a convenient distraction from the car crash their son had made of his life or because it was just the Christian thing to do. Whatever their reasons, their kindness has had a really positive impact on this mother and child and in my opinion that should be celebrated.

You have chosen not to embrace a very uncomplicated relationship with this mother and daughter for a reason. Do you really want to find out why or do you only want to justify it? I don’t know when your brother will be released but if there are deep seated issues within your family, then they need to be addressed so that as a family you can support his return.

If you are religious enough to have a christening then surely you have access to support within your church about your ‘dilemma’?

For me this is about values and how you choose to implement them. If anyone asks, just introduce them as family. If people probe further, say not by blood or marriage but by love.

Er, because that situation is nothing like the one here?

How did such kind compassionate people as your parents appear to be fail so comprehensively to pass on their values to you?
'We have nothing in common' 'they don't fit in' It's just thinly veiled snobbery

Let's face it you're basically resentful that you will wind up splitting your inheritance with her

What if your brother had been proved to be the father or he'd adopted her. Would you then accept her? What's the difference with the current situation from that? Does DNA really make all that much difference to your attitude?

So if they had adopted her you would also never have counted her as family if you had found out at some point down the line how nasty hopefully they will leave all their money to the person who has no family

Disgusting now adding the intelligence and education argument vial

She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f).

This is the key sentence in my opinion. Your parents talked her out of a termination (believing the child was their sons) they obviously made some promise at that point to help and support her if she didn't terminate the pregnancy. Now that the child has been proven not to be your brothers would it have been better for your parents to abandon her? It was their beliefs and interfering that contributed to the child being born so I do think they have responsibility to that child and they obviously feel the same. Also 18motnhs is a long time to spend with a child and bond with a child and I am sure when they discovered the child was not their sons the bonds and love had already formed.

There are many foster carers who foster children for years and they are part of that family even though they are never legally like an adopted child. Maybe view them as foster grandparents supporting the child and the mum as they promised they would 8 years ago.

For me, it‘s significant that a) it‘s a child-surrogate grandparents relationship/ mentoring an adult between OP‘s and grandparents‘ generation.
b) OP is kind and accepting of these people when she sees them at her parents‘
c) the added complication of the brother who is the ‘relationship’ to these two without having a relationship to them.

OP doesn’t seem to be trying to force her parents away from their relationship with Y and S.

If you invite the children of adult friends to an event it’s because the adults have caring responsibilities towards those children. This, however, is a generation apart. While the surrogate grandparents have kindly chosen to care for the child during the holidays, they are not the child’s legal guardians. And the OP has no relationship with the adult lady.

Why should she invite them to events concerning her own children?

Please elaborate. They are her parents' friends, no family relation whatsoever, we are not talking about an adopted or step child. Her parents have formed a close relationship with their son's ex and her child. Good for them, it's still nothing to do with the OP.

OP just does not come across as a nice person at all, in any way. "I want my parents all to myself" is something I'd expect from a child.

There's people like OP who have specific rules to see someone as family and don't want to accept them of the rules aren't met, and then there is another thread of a woman who is not biologically related to a child and would love to maintain contact.

I wonder if it's the dishonesty and manipulation here. I know other families with foster carers and while allowances have to be made for foster children who can't be left alone everyone rubs along fine. Maybe it's different because the nature of the relationships is all upfront and no one is expected to pretend otherwise.

So she cheated on your brother and made out to him that it was his child?! I don’t see that you have to invite her or the mother anywhere, she has no emotional or physical connection. I can understand your parents being connected after 18 months of thinking she was their grandchild, but there is no reason for you to include her.

😬 not sure this comes off like you’d hoped.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone for giving their opinion.
I think I gathered from it as much as I could and have used your input to speak to a real life friend.
This will be my last response, have a wonderful day everybody!