tto think it should be illegal to travel abroad for anonymous egg/sperm donation?

[ZoeCM]

If the government can ban people from travelling outside the UK for FGM, why can't they ban this? It's absolutely appalling that clinics will destroy all records of a child's biological parent in this day and age. Yes, the child can potentially trace their parents through companies such as AncestryDNA, but there's no guarantee they'll be successful. It's a massive abuse of power.

Anonymous donation is all about what's best for the recipients and the donor, never the child. AIBU to think it should be illegal to travel abroad for this purpose?

what is the difference?

Deliberately conspiring to deprive a child of their biological, genetic heritage.

but the outcome is the same.

Yes, I am wondering what is really bothering you here?

Is it a personal issue? Or if not, why so worked up?

"The connection to FGM is that it's not only illegal in the UK, it's illegal to travel outside the UK to do it. The sample should apply anonymous gamete donation."

Anonymous egg or sperm donation isn't bloody criminalised in the U.K., it's not in line with regulation. So this is not only offensive as a comparison it shows your total ignorance, @ZoeCM, and why your views on this are clearly worth diddly squat.

No it isn’t. There’s a big difference for a child whose mother had a one night stand and became pregnant, she might even remember the name, have something to go on, and with the mother conspiring with agencies, donors, paying money, signing contracts to agree to secrecy, etc, to deliberately deprive the child of knowledge. It would be far harder to get your head around that deliberate betrayal before you were even born.

It’s pretty shit for a child not to be able to know their genetic links. Maybe, women should think more about this before having a child from a ONS.

And it’s grim that people go abroad for egg/sperm donation so they get round the right of child to know their genetic link. Definitely not being great parents

It's obvious, surely? Before the child has even been born, the people who are going to raise them - people they should be able to trust above all else - have made a conscious decision to destroy their chances of tracing their biological parents. It's a huge betrayal.

There are a lot of pretty shit things that happen accidentally, and trying to make the best of them is not a green light for people to set out to do shit things deliberately = “Look over there, they did it, so I’m allowed too”.

@Iaminthefly does it not worry you that your DC won't know their genetic link? Do you think there is a good reason that anonymous donation is no longer allowed in this country?

It will be possible to identify most donors via AncestryDNA & lengthy detective work. No one is anonymous any more.

But what has got you so agitated about it that you are trying to stir up outrage by linking it with a completely separate issue?

I always wonder where people are coming from when they are foaming at the mouth. And if it is personal, then you can make allowance. But if it is not personal, and the person can't really explain why this specific issue has made them so furious, then I wonder if they just have personal anger that needs an outlet.

A friend of mine came up against another dead end a few weeks ago while trying to trace her biological father (yes, it really is a friend and not me - it's an anonymous forum, I have no reason to lie!) She's devastated. It's really brought home to me how appalling it is that anyone would treat their own child like this.

Ah fair enough, I can see it would be on your mind.

Your friend's biological father was a sperm donor?

Do you think it should be illegal for a woman to give birth to a child born from a ONS? Same outcome for the child surely?

The outcome is not the same.

One involves recognising your mother can be stupid and careless, the other involves recognising your mother went to lengths to conspire with a seedy industry, illegal in our own country, to betray you before you were born. The psychological impact of these two things are entirely different outcomes.

Well I don’t know who my biological father and it doesn’t bother me. I would be mildly curious but really more concerned not to open a can of worms. I don’t feel my rights have been denied. I think FGM is another thing entirely and don’t think it’s helpful to link them in this spurious way.

I don’t get why people struggle to tell the difference.

Just because some women might smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol and take heroin and not realise they are pregnant, doesn’t make it okay to chose to smoke, drink and shoot up when you are pregnant.

You could say the outcome is the same, but a) that’s a low fucking bar to set for basic parental standards and b) there’s a gulf between the culpability for the harm caused to the child by the mother.

From personal experience of a family member who has no idea who their biological father is, I think deliberately setting out to keep this knowledge from a person is cruel. I think people who want a baby and use anonymous eggs or sperm, or a surrogate forget that one day, that child will grow up and start asking questions.

You’re storing up problems for the future of something that will cause psychological harm to your child. Even children adopted at birth and go to a happy home are more at risk of developing psychological issues. God know what the future holds when the generation of donor/surrogate babies grow up.

Users of anonymous donors have no guarantee their child will grow up without the likely curiosity, longing, bewilderment and frustration.

Now you're just making up scenarios in your head to be angry about.

Yes, I agree with you, and can’t believe so many don’t.
I think there are going to be so many people (the current children) with so much anger and so many issues about this in the next 20-30 years.

The clinics abroad who facilitate this are simply there to make money, they don’t care about the people who it will affect.

I don’t think it is a great thing to do wrt your child. For the reasons and experiences described here, it isn’t something I would choose to do.

But that doesn’t mean it is something we could or should legislate against.

I don’t think many step family situations are psychologically or emotionally good for children. If I was a Dad I wouldn’t go and start a new family with children I lived with full time while my first children looked on on their Wednesday evening and EOW. But how could you (or should you? ) legislate against that?

@PurpleDreamCatcher I think the reality of those who wish a baby and those who act intentionally would shock you. Having worked, albeit now retired, in a family court environment for many years, I have lost count of the number of "planned" children I have come across who will never know their father.

Albeit not the norm, a female couple with eight children, four each. As one example.

Maybe you have a point but I’m really not sure. All the media
stories are about long lost reunions but l know quite a few people personally who aren’t bothered. And the one who did trace her birth mother it was a disaster.

There can be a freedom in not knowing. My birth mother did contact me and I just always felt guilty that I couldn’t be her child because I couldn’t be a child she had raised.

Did I really just read that question?
How can you possibly ask that?