To not understand why people get married?

[Mummyto4WM]

Waste of money and merely a show to the world

That's me being flippant but I genuinely don't get it. My partner is desperate to get married. He's already divorced, a divorce following his ex-wife running off with another man. What are the benefits of marriage, when so many end in costly divorce?

You don't have to spend that much money or make a show to the world but people like to make a legal and public commitment to each other.

More practically people get married to protect the parent who reduces earning capacity to care for any children, gain next of kin rights and to avoid inheritance tax.

You can get married for a couple of hundred pounds at the registry office. We’re married because I would never consider having kids without being married. Those costly divorces give protection to the partner who may work / earn less in order to do more childcare.

As usual the first response nails it. Legal protection is the key. Everything else is just dressing.

Tax, money, next of kin, parental responsibility, love, security.

OP, in a society where marriage is no longer required to be included in most things, it is harder to justify. A single person today can have:

a career
a home of their own
manage their own finances and qualify for all govt benefits
have children
can cohabit with whomever they choose

So it comes down to the concept of making a lifelong public legal commitment, although it isn't life long, and a spouse can wander off whenever they like.

Inheritance tax provision is better for marrieds
Management of wills, shared ownership of assets, having a say in the care and funeral of a spouse.

It also has the downside that it allows another person to sink you deep into debt without your knowledge.

Waste of money and merely a show to the world

Waste of money is purely subjective - if someone spends it and doesn't regret it, is it a waste? But even so, you don't have to spend a lot, I got married for a few hundred pounds at a registry office.

If you think it's "merely" for show, you don't understand the legal consequences. If you think the legal consequences are not what you want, then that's fine. But is it very clearly not just a show, it has real ramifications.

The lower earner wants to have access to the higher earner's income and assets on break up.
Women who want to have children and stay at home with them and want the same as above as they'll reduce their earnings by doing that.
Seen as showing commitment.
Tax when older.
Etc etc

No tax is due on transfers between spouses.

Hint inheritance tax

Our daughter has a double barrelled name. He wants us both to double barrel post marriage. We both have £50k paying jobs, and have done the childcare slog already.

I maybe overlooked the inheritance tax thing.... I know little about it! So will look it up.

FYI before people get really upset. I did point out I was being flippant. I took the extreme stand point, for debate. I don't begrudge or seek to belittle marriage.

@DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace
You don't understand the legal consequences - you're somewhat right, I don't. I work in child protection/family law - so merely see when it all goes wrong. What I do know, is the financial cost of divorce & that people still cheat despite their public commitment to their partner

I wasn't protected by being married. I have my kids 100% of the time (the circumstances make this necessary), my career is in ruins as I can no longer put in the hours and I had to pay my ex a settlement which involved starting from scratch with the mortgage. I will likely always be "poor" now as I don't have time to catch up later due to my age. If (and it's a very big if) I ever meet anyone else I won't be getting married again.

Marriage mitigates the financial risks of pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing. Most of those are incurred by one person in the partnership, but not always. Even if the woman incurring the risk is the higher earner, statistics show that having a child will negatively impact her earning potential and she is taking a risk that she could lose her job entirely by becoming disabled via pregnancy.

I wouldn’t have a child with a man that wouldn’t marry me first. It would signal to me that he did not care about my financial stability and expected me to be the one to shoulder the risks of parenthood.

In other circumstances, like if a couple is not going to have children or if they are older and already have children, the rationality of marriage changes.

I married aged 23 and it was purely because my husband and I wanted to make that official commitment simply because it felt right for us (not saying it's right for everyone or that it's any better than a long-term relationship, just that it's what WE wanted to do).
I'd always dreamed of a fairytale wedding but when it came to marrying him, I honestly would have been happy wearing a simple summer dress from the nearest clothes shop/supermarket and then going to the pub for a pint. My ring is a simple gold band that we bought from Argos the day before the wedding.
We're a year away from our Silver Wedding now but I have friends in long-term relationships who are just as happy and devoted and have been together just as long.
It's all personal preference I think, although my husband and I have both felt abandonment issues in our childhoods/teens which may well have influenced us to marry as quickly as we did (within 2 years of meeting)

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

It's a legal union - it doesn't always make sense to marry these days especially later in life when after previous marriages or when have more assets - so people need to look at their own circumstances. .

But it is a legal union and what implications that comes with that needs considering not just the wedding day.

I think all couples should look at the legal benefits and ramifications of marriage/civil partnership versus cohabitation and work out what's best for them.
Some things can be covered by other documents, others can't.

Its a personal decision. Its greatly beneficial for us in our circumstances.

Love is a separate matter. Obviously you should love your spouse... but equally you can love your partner

We got married in 2018 and it was done for love, not something you hear a lot of the time on MN but it genuinely was because of love and wanting to spend the rest of our lives together and share a name. Money didn’t even cross our minds as a reason

Today there is an article on the guardian about a woman stuck on a joint mortgage with a man who won't let her sell the house or buy him out - a problem that would not exist had they been married because it would have been settled in the divorce.

Now I have children and work p/t to be available for them, self-employed and without workplace benefits I am so glad I am married. If my husband dies I know I won't be left high and dry.

I don't see any reason for it either for my own situation. Our house and business are already 50/50 with life insurance if the other dies. No tax benefits. Power of attorney for each other in case it's needed, plus wills. No kids and no plans to have kids.

Partner has already done more to commit to me than most husbands have.

Marriage and weddings are two separate things. We are getting married to be married, can spend just a couple of hundred in a registry office, it is a legal commitment to each other

Don't know why I got married really, I think it was he'd been married before and I wanted him to show the same level of commitment to me...daft in hindsight. We'd still be together even if we hadn't got married...

Also I enjoyed the party.

I would never have kids without marriage. I was an SAHM for a while and also moved for his job, thereby reducing my earning capacity.
DH earns way more than me.

For all these reasons, I want legal protection and an equal share of our assets. It mitigated my risk.

To get married costs less than £200 for all the fees.
It's a wedding that's cost alot and noone is saying you must do it but many people want to do it.
For me, planning my wedding was fun. I spent all my spare time over a year planning it from trying wedding cake to wedding dresses. It wasn't stressful....I enjoyed seeing all the details come together. We planned a whole.mknth away on a honeymoon which I was equally planning at the same time.

But marriage in my eyes is important. Gives us all legally the same surname. It makes me feel like we are a proper family unit and helps for when I take my child out the country without the father as we have the same surname so don't need documents to prove why our names are different. It makes things smoother and quicker later when one of us dies and has to transfer who's entitled to what etc. It's more beneficial for my kid.

In my eyes, those who dont get married are probably claiming single parent allowance and other benefits, but then I've known too many dodgy people and I've heard and seen every rule that people try and bend so I'm left suspicious of what and the fact they they just anrt serious enough about the person they are with. That's just my personal view on it tho.

Just to add. After nearly 15 years married I don't regret spending the money for the wedding or honeymoon. I can always make more money.

I knew I wanted to reduce my hours when we had children. I made it clear that there was absolutely no chance of that happening without being married first.

If she earns significantly more, marriage would probably leave her worse off...