To not give money to my separated husband who has alcohol issues and just lost his job?

[MarciaMarcia]

My DH lives in another property and has done for 3 years, due primarily to alcohol issues and mental health issues. Basically he was angry, takes it all out on me and wants a place to drink in peace.
He has held down a full time job and drinks a small amount each day sometimes not, sometimes binges.
He lost his job two months ago and now has literally no money, yet asked me to pay some of his rent. Meanwhile I have our two children at my house who I need to pay for and I'm not really sure why I should be paying anything for my separated husband ( we are still married as I live in hope he will better) He is at the house most days looking after children, as they don't like going to his place it's too far. He literally has no money. His family said they can't help and asked me to support him. Out of the goodness of my heart, I said he may be able to move here but due to his angry outbursts due to his alcohol use even sober and anger due to no job, I'm not sure it's a good idea. I can't support him and dare say it would just be spent on alcohol.
The weekend he asked me for money he was out at a bar at 3am as he pocket dialled me.meanwhole im looking after his children. He is supposed to be paying me child maintenance. What do I do? His family are not in the country and don't seem to worry about him, other than telling him to come home.

Why hasn't he applied for UC if he's not working?

You file for divorce

Your approach to detach with kindness is the right one. Don’t enable your ex with money under any circumstances. He’s not your responsibility and you have kids who really need you to prioritise them (especially since he cannot). You might benefit from meeting others in the same situation perhaps contact al-anon.

Divorce him. Don’t give him more money. Protect your children. I know that you can still see some part of the original him that you fell in love with, but all your children will remember is their drunk abusive father who was allowed into what was meant to be their safe space.

Don't give him a penny nor should you let him move in with you protect your dc from him.
Also if he is turning up at your house to see your dc drunk then don't let him in and send him away

File for divorce. You're wasting your life on someone who'll never get better.

He can claim uc.

Giving him money to drink with (because that will be his first priority) is not going to make it any better. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you really need to look after your kids and yourself. 🤗

You have a kind heart to even consider his needs, but put your children, and yourself first.

None of you should go without to support his addiction.

He needs to find a job, any job, that is willing to have him, and needs to get himself sorted with any benefits he may be entitled to meantime.

He is not going to get better fast enough for you to move him back in.

Stop living in hope that he will get better. He won't. What you see is what you get.

You can't have some drunk living with your children. Alcoholic homes tend to be very damaging.

He needs to get benefits, he can contact a charity such as Turn2us for advice on what he can claim. He probably needs a foodbank if he's got no cash.

Do some reading up on co dependency as you seem to be putting his needs above your own and those of your children.

Start divorce proceedings?

Don’t let him move back in! Put your children first and do not accommodate the abusive alcoholic.

He can look for a more affordable shared house? A room in a house would be more affordable for him.

Point him in the direction of citizens advice and step change and AA. You are not responsible for him.

He’s not gonna change and you giving him money will just go on drink probably rather than rent and stuff. Do not invite him to live with you as you’ll never get rid of him and it’ll be so disruptive to you and your kids. It will not end well. Divorce him.

You have gone to all the trouble of getting your husband to move out and set up alone and you are about to undo all that. Don't. He needs to put in a claim for benefits and if he is evicted due to rent arrears then he should seek the usual help. If he ends up homeless/in a B&B sadly that happens often when people are addicts.

You had hope that he would quit the booze and move back in but it sounds like you are about to let him back even though he hasn't quit it, is angry etc.

I'd be more inclined to go the other way and say "don't come to see the kids if you have touched a single drop". ...and if he can't get dry in a year then divorce and move on with your life. Are you going to let life pass you buy as you wait around for him - or worse keep picking up the pieces?

Did he lose his job due to the effect of drinking on his life? If he's not drinking it shouldn't take long to get another job.

You giving him money isn’t going to make him magically change all of his ways it’s just enabling him.

divorce him.

Do not let him move back in whatever you do. Or let him see the children whilst he is drunk.

On a practical level (as I don’t really understand why you haven’t divorced yet), now that he’s jobless and therefore even more likely to drink and run up a load of debt to do so, you should at least now make sure you are formally financially separated.

You need to send a Notice of Financial Disassociation to the three credit reference agencies, Equifax, Experian, and Call Credit. You’ll need proof that you’re separated and not co-habiting.

Make sure that your name isn’t on anything with him - no joint bank accounts, credit cards, utility bills, nothing in joint names.

If you help him out financially now you are literally taking money that should be used to provide for your children, and using it to enable his drinking. Shame on you if you do that.

He has applied for UC however as he got a payout from work he isn't entitled to any money until next month. I know it's less than his rent alone. He has got a job with Uber eats. But he was earning 400 a day before so it's a massive step down.

I am certainly not putting his needs before mone or my children.

You know when I even suggested he could move back ( as he chose to move out because I'm so awful apparently) he told me that I'm.tryimg to control him and it's just what I want him.tp do. Wtf??

He won't be moving back here.

I am not going to give him money

Don't let him move in, you are living apart for a good reason which must not be forgotten.

The unemployed can get benefits, he needs to organise that.

By all means give him a meal when he is at your home and if he is absolutely destitute, the odd fiver maybe when you can spare it but no 'big' money. He needs to be independent and he can be, even while unemployed.

I do hope the guy gets his drinking under control but you have to be firm.

Helping him out financially includes suggesting he can move back in with you.

I can’t actually believe you offered that. Your poor kids.

He had a payout and pissed it up the wall, he is responsible for himself at this point.

Make things official and divorce him, don't let him take care of the children if he's drinking.

Well, then carry on doing what you’re doing.

I’d divorce him as well so finances are completely separated.

if he is absolutely destitute, the odd fiver maybe when you can spare it

He will spend it on alcohol.

The boundaries are already blurred by staying married. Don’t blur them more letting him move in.

you need to properly separate and keep things separate for everyone’s sake. He needs to take responsibility for himself

we are still married as I live in hope he will better

Divorce doesn't have to be final, although in this case it probably should be. You have been separated for three years, it isn't getting any better quickly. Divorce him, protect your children and assets. You can always co-habit again if he turns his life around and sustains it but not being financially tied to him would be better for now.