To not give money to my separated husband who has alcohol issues and just lost his job?

[MarciaMarcia]

My DH lives in another property and has done for 3 years, due primarily to alcohol issues and mental health issues. Basically he was angry, takes it all out on me and wants a place to drink in peace.
He has held down a full time job and drinks a small amount each day sometimes not, sometimes binges.
He lost his job two months ago and now has literally no money, yet asked me to pay some of his rent. Meanwhile I have our two children at my house who I need to pay for and I'm not really sure why I should be paying anything for my separated husband ( we are still married as I live in hope he will better) He is at the house most days looking after children, as they don't like going to his place it's too far. He literally has no money. His family said they can't help and asked me to support him. Out of the goodness of my heart, I said he may be able to move here but due to his angry outbursts due to his alcohol use even sober and anger due to no job, I'm not sure it's a good idea. I can't support him and dare say it would just be spent on alcohol.
The weekend he asked me for money he was out at a bar at 3am as he pocket dialled me.meanwhole im looking after his children. He is supposed to be paying me child maintenance. What do I do? His family are not in the country and don't seem to worry about him, other than telling him to come home.

Wow that msg from his family is awful .
Please don't let him take your children anywhere.

They don't mention the fact he doesn't support you in anyway.
He sounds very selfish whatever the reason for his behaviour.
Take note of everything incase you do divorce and he tries to get custody.
Why did he lose his job?

BIL has a very poor understanding of addiction and is trying to emotionally blackmail you. Block the lot of them and start divorce proceedings.

Why does the brother think you’re in a relationship when you’re separated. And the message reads like you asked him to fund rehab?

They don't know anything about addiction or functional alcoholism. Their idea of alcoholism is him sitting on a park bench drinking terps.

You need to divorce.

years ago, one of our local GP's was an alcoholic so they can hold very high jobs and still function on some level..

YANBU, but you do need to separate from him entirely. Do not give him any money - if you were to ever help him, then pay his rent directly to his Landlord so that he can't spend it on anything else! - but you don't owe him anything.

Do not let him back into your house. Ignore his family. Encourage him to go back and live with his family. But without your DD obviously.

Don't take it personally. They're both in denial about his problem and don't want to accept it (some people take offence being told someone close might have a problem, rather than see it as a problem that can be solved). Also it seems like parting with the money is a big issue for them. God knows what he's been telling them. They might even think you're trying to get money off him and them. Leave them to mull it over. The truth could and probably will be staring them in the face one of the days. Take a deep breath and concentrate on what you need. You and your son are entitled to a good and stable life free from this. He doesn't get to ruin your lives and his family aren't the ones on the receiving end of it as much as you by the sound of it. How you feel is how you feel

Ps. you could try move some conversations to electronic means, so you have a record if it ever comes up with his family or court

Especially the conversations that stand out to you, harassment for money etc. Keep them all by text/email and back them up

*sorry its 2 children you have not a son but you get the point

If he lost his job 2mths ago why does he have too high earnings to get uc

If he has money why can't he pay his rent

His family don't want to know because then he becomes their problem. It's that simple.

But you have every right to walk away. You have been at this for over 10 years - that's longer than I did with my alcoholic husband. Divorce him, block him and all his family and put your DD and yourself first.

If this is hard, come over to the alcohol support board - we have a thread to support relatives.

And he's a functioning alcoholic. My 1st husband was one. Held down a good job. Paid bills etx - didn't ever seem drunk as his limit was huge what he could drink

Tbh lots of people are functioning alcoholics 🥲🥲

He literally left you and chose to move out so he could keep drinking. He doesn't love you or want to be with you. Just divorce him, ffs. It's a ridiculous situation that you're in, and no, it isn't up to you to fund his rehab. Even if he does overcome his addiction, your marriage is over anyway; it's not just going to magically become great.

His family's opinion on this is irrelevant.

No idea why his earnings are stopping him getting UC. Who knows. I didn't apply Fitbit and I have no idea of his finances.

Moving out - it's more complicated than that. Addiction takes the number one priority. So they can't feel empathy or love.

Perhaps it's the earnings from Deliveroo. A lot less than he was used to but could be too high for universal credit. I think as a single adult his allowance wouldn't be a lot.

It still concerns me that he is an alcoholic - working delivery- presumably in the evenings. I assume it won't be long until he loses his licence doing that. Let's hope he doesn't kill someone in the meantime.

OP, this is awful, really sympathise. I have been in a similar position with my ex. He was a binger so could go weeks without drinking but then would have sessions that lasted days. He was really nasty to me; used to say it was my fault he drank etc etc. In the end he moved out (took me a long time to come to terms with the fact I couldn’t help him! literally years). He still helped with the kids a bit. Al anon was very helpful for me to detach from him, I would really recommend it to you. Rehab won’t work for him if he doesn’t want it. If he does want to get sober then AA is definitely the place to start.

But first of all for you realise you can’t help him. He has to do it himself. Please get support on this from friends etc, people who get it. Not his family who evidently have no understanding at all. There is a good website called Sober recovery. It has forums for friends and family of alcoholics it was very helpful for me.

By the way, although we are now not together my ex is now sober. One of the big things that made him decide to get sober was the knowledge he was on his own; he had to do it himself as no one else was looking out for him (as I had done for years). It wasn’t as simple as that as you can imagine but it has ended up ok. Remember it’s for him to do it. Not you.