To not give money to my separated husband who has alcohol issues and just lost his job?

[MarciaMarcia]

My DH lives in another property and has done for 3 years, due primarily to alcohol issues and mental health issues. Basically he was angry, takes it all out on me and wants a place to drink in peace.
He has held down a full time job and drinks a small amount each day sometimes not, sometimes binges.
He lost his job two months ago and now has literally no money, yet asked me to pay some of his rent. Meanwhile I have our two children at my house who I need to pay for and I'm not really sure why I should be paying anything for my separated husband ( we are still married as I live in hope he will better) He is at the house most days looking after children, as they don't like going to his place it's too far. He literally has no money. His family said they can't help and asked me to support him. Out of the goodness of my heart, I said he may be able to move here but due to his angry outbursts due to his alcohol use even sober and anger due to no job, I'm not sure it's a good idea. I can't support him and dare say it would just be spent on alcohol.
The weekend he asked me for money he was out at a bar at 3am as he pocket dialled me.meanwhole im looking after his children. He is supposed to be paying me child maintenance. What do I do? His family are not in the country and don't seem to worry about him, other than telling him to come home.

File for divorce immediately.

Absolutely DO NOT let him move back in with you

Absolutely DO NOT give him any money, pay his rent, anything at all

Get a divorce ASAP. Protect your children first and foremost.

He's a grown up and if he ends up homeless that's entirely on him. He NEEDS to get out if this down spiral all by himself, as does every addict, always.

Nope. He will have to sort his own shit out.
Contact Al Anon for yourself, they will help you see what is staring you in the face.

I have not heard of this disassociation of finances. He has already ruined my ability to get insurance as he applied and said he hadn't made a claim when he had. Can I get disassociated with this? From the past? He also tried to take a phone contract out in my name. How can I stop him.doung this?
This is pure hell.

He was earning £400 a day until recently but hasn't a penny to his name.

You say he is "supposed to be paying maintenance" did he pay it when he was earning good money?

If he lives in an expensive place then he will have to give it up now he can't afford it - unless he can get another good job.

Did your partner lose their job due to drinking OP?

Do you think he drinks and drives now he is driving for a living - or cycling after drinking if he is on a bike?

Stand your ground and get legal advice with a view to formalising your separation or a divorce. Sorry you are going through this, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

You have done the hard bit in Him
Moving out

Tho coming to your house to look after the children daily isn't helping either of you

You say it's too far /kids don't like it at his place

How far away is he and what age children

He needs to claim uc and while not working his rent should be paid and he will get under £400 a month uc to pay bills and buy food

I think this post says it all. You have been living apart for three years it is time to make it formal and start divorce proceedings. The kids and you must be your priority.

"... but due to his angry outbursts due to his alcohol use even sober and anger due to no job...."

He's not in a fit state to be doing childcare. His precarious financial/job situation now is only going to get worse and put more and more stress on him.

Also, taking out mobile phone contracts in your name is fraud.

You need to protect yourself and your children...and get proper advice on protecting yourself financially - he's already shown that he has no qualms about running up debts in your name. He's not the same person he was before he upped the drinking

Divorce him. It's what you should have done soon after you split.

Tell him to naff off

You are being very unreasonable to consider moving him back in or subsidising his lifestyle. He is an adult and responsible for himself. He needs to get help to stop drinking so please don't enable him further. Think about yourself and your children.

You can still be supportive, whilst also divorcing him. I’m wondering why you feel the need to stay married?

This is the end really isn't it?
He's hoping you will finance his drinking whilst also being his punch bag.
You're responsibly lies with protecting your dc both financially and mentally from his inadequacies.
No he doesn't move in under any circumstances.
No you don't fund him.. endless pit of money if you do.
Be firm.
No help or sympathy.
Tell him to sort his life out.
Start divorce.

If he hasn't asked for money before and only if you can afford it, then you could give him a bit. But if he's asked more than twice before then no. Because if he has an addiction, you could end up enabling him and it could even turn dangerous in time, if you don't give him money for the drink he needs. I definitely wouldn't let him move in and id be asking him nicely and repeatedly if needed if he could drink elsewhere. It's good he's looking after the kids anyway. You could help him by avoiding alcohol temptations, not drinking yourself around him etc and being enthusiastic about non alcohol activities. If he's drunk around the kids, I'd draw a line, because it will really affect them. I definitely wouldn't allow him move in for all your sakes. It wouldn't be good for your husband either. Him losing his job and having no money could be the wake up call he needs and preventing that mightnt be a good idea. If you see it getting worse, maybe you move further away from him. There is a safety order you can get if you see it getting too bad. Protect yourself and the kids from his addiction no matter what. Your husband isn't in the position to set healthy boundaries but you are, with the help of the law if needed! Don't let him take ye all down with him

If he is drinking and then doesn't have the rent money, that's his failed prioritisation.

If you pay his rent, he will continue to make these poor choices.

You can't stop him.drinking but you can choose to not enable him. Who knows if he will ever work it out for himself but he is far less likely to If he has an enabler.

From money.co.uk 'You can do this by contacting a credit reference agency such as Experian, Equifax or TransUnion.'

Actually if he wasn't paying child maintenance when he was working, then definitely don't give him money! You could already be enabling him. Chatting to Al anon as someone else said would be a good place to start!

And you know what they say. Put on your own (and your kids!) oxygen mask first. You can't help someone else if you're not OK yourself. When you feel your own boundaries slipping, hes slipping too. Trust your gut in making decisions and keep your boundaries firm! With the law if needed! You know what decision to make really, do what feels right to you

This highlights one of the reasons why its important too get a divorce which is to end any financial links

If he was earning that sort of money and has nothing left, than that is of his own making. You can't bail him out because you might as well just burn the money and you can't have him living near your children.

Divorce him ffs
Don't even think about enabling his addiction

Thanks for all your helpful comments. It's good to have a voice of reason as even last night he was asking me for money to keep his rental. He can't understand that if I gave the money I'd spend it on anything other than his rent.
Entirely ridiculous thinking. I plan for things, I plan for holidays, kids activities etc . He has earned 400 per day up until two months ago, and has given me a good amount each month , however now it's nothing. Nothing.

His family it turns out don't believe he's an addict. They think he may have done mental health issues. They expect me to look after him, as they are not in the country or for him to go with my older daughter back to where we are from to live with his parents who need looking after and dry out there where they can keep an eye on him, as it's cheaper than rehab. I said no you need professional help. He certainly won't get taking my daughter with him.

The family are beyond in denial and purely ignorant. They think I'm making this all up.

When he eventually gets UC as he can't at the moment as he has too higher earnings until next month, it won't even cover his rent. His family won't help.

He has currently taken up delivering Uber eats but there is no work and he gets so angry every night as he gets no orders. Last night I rang him and before I'd spoken, he started yelling.
This is pure hell. But maybe this needed to happen so he can get the help he needs.

This is the deeply upsetting message his brother sent me last night...

'For starters, we get frustrated when you bring up his drinking, rehab, mental health as it’s something you’ve been pushing for over 10 years.
If he had a serious problem he wouldn’t be with us anymore. Addicts can’t survive and hold down jobs for that period of time if it was as bad as you’ve made out for this entire time.
Yes, I have witnessed it once in that entire time. In that time I’ve had my hand run over by a taxi from passing out! It happens.
Addicts wouldn’t be able to come out here and spend weeks not drinking. They wouldn’t be able to go on holiday and pass as a normal, functional human.
I agree that he potentially has mental issues but than won’t fix that. He needs to find the right therapist.
But again, where does 28+ days in rehab get us? At the end of it, he’s still jobless and potentially homeless. That’s going to start the spiral again.
I believe he needs a situation change, a hard reset on life.

This is why I’m not keen on funding rehab. It doesn’t solve anything as he ends back in the same place and we’ll be having this annual ' my husband needs help” conversation. You also might think you support him but to hear it from his side, he’s crying out for support from you and he doesn’t feel that gets any. I know that’s difficult but being in a relationship, you’re too close to be able to help.

Why can’t he and (my daughter) come out here for 12 months and try figure life out?

Block his family, hide the kids passports and divorce him.

You can post about him and his family until you’re blue in the face.

You haven’t divorced him despite being separated for 3 years in the hope that he’ll change, he hasn’t and he won’t.

He can go pack to his parents alone, and they can put up with him.

Just get on with it and divorce him.