To Re-register DS Birth certificate

[Kira893]

Hi MN

When I was pregnant, me and father had just really met and he wasn’t around to support me. When baby was born, he started to step up. He came with me to the registry office and begged me to give baby his last name as everyone does that in his family married or not. There was an argument and the registry office lady advised me to keep him off the birth certificate and give baby my name until he can prove himself, then I can change it at anytime .

He asked me if he proves himself, would I consider changing it and I agreed. So for the last 3 years he’s been great with DD. Can’t fault him. DD turning very soon, He’s now brought it up again and wants his name on the birth certificate and DD to have last name. I think I’m ok with it but I feel a bit silly calling up the nursery etc asking them to change her name. Would they think it odd? I don’t really care much for my last name, I’ve no contact with any of my dad’s side of my family. I don’t really think last names matter much.

Would anyone else change it?

This reads as if you're not together and you're the residential parent, so of course your child should have your surname. You can add his as a middle name, but there's no reason for your DDs name to be changed except his ego.

@Cinocino out of interest, what is the reason unmarried fathers are not automatically added to the BC? I presumed it was probably because of potential debates about paternity (old-fashioned bollocks about promiscuity of women outside of marriage perhaps) rather than that an unmarried Father doesn’t have the right to PR-as obviously they do as evidenced by the inevitable decision The family court would make in a situation like this.
it seems to me that if there is no debate about paternity, there’s no reason for a father not to be added?

He doesn't have legal rights.

If he did have a legal right to be on the birth certificate he would be on it automatically.

That's how legal rights work.

Many posters here have explained the many reasons why it might not be in the best interests of the mother and the child for a father to be on the birth certificate and have parental responsibility.

If the OP wants to travel abroad, clearly the very easiest thing is for her not to change her daughter's birth certificate or her surname.

It’s entirely mums decision if he is added to bc if they are unmarried. It sounds like couple were arguing in office. Registrar advised he could be added later which is correct. If he wanted to be added against her wishes then there’s a process to apply via court - he hasn’t bothered so far.
It’s not simply recognition of parentage, naming him confers parental responsibility.

But you are wrong, he does have a legal right to be on the birth certificate, all he has to do is prove paternity and any family court judge would add him to it. She could stand in the way for a short period of time but that’s it, because it is his right

and yes, there’s about 100 reasons why it might be worse for the mother and the child if the father is a prick, but that doesn’t stop the fact that once paternity is established, all he would have to do is make an application to the court, and he would have his right enforced.

I think it’s shockingly poor form to be encouraging women not to respect paternity just because they’re not married as some people in this chat seem to be doing.

Unmarried fathers can’t be added unless mother names them and the man is present (Ed Milliband was famously not on his first dc’s certificate as he didn’t bother going to appointment when his partner registered the birth) . Otherwise a woman could name any man as the father of her dc. They can apply to court to be added if they want to added and mum won’t agree or if mum has died in childbirth.
Married fathers are legally presumed to be the father of wife’s child so can resister the birth.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

A unmarried mother cannot put a man’s name on the birth certificate.

It is not allowed. It is not legal. It is not happening.

An unmarried mother can agree for a man to put his name on the birth certificate. If she wants to.

If an unmarried mother doesn’t agree for a man to put his name on the birth certificate, the man can apply to the courts to do so.

He hasn't bothered to do that for the last three years. Why not?

A friend of mine co-parents with his ex wife. Obviously it's not possible for a mother not to be on the birth certificate, and they were married when their child was born so he was on it automatically as well.

Because his ex wife has parental responsibility for their child he has had to get court orders to allow him to have their child vaccinated against serious preventable illnesses and to take her on holiday. His ex wife wouldn't consent to him doing these things so he had to get the court to order it.

That's the kind of power the OP would be giving this man over her and her child.

Sure, he can go to court and have himself added if he's that motivated. But since he's not, why make it easier for him than it needs to be?

I think you were probably offered good advice by the registrar as you had no idea then what kind of father he would turn out to be. As others have said this is about far more than a name. Adding his name to the birth certificate (regardless of what you do about your child’s surname) would give him parental rights. Conversely, it also means that when he dies she has a right to inherit part or all of his estate. Right now that isn’t the case unless he makes a Will naming her as a beneficiary. These two sorts of considerations are far more important than a surname, and I am surprised he hasn’t made you aware of this. It is disingenuous of him to say this is just about a family name, which is why I would be hesitant to do anything until I was sure it is in you and your child’s best interests. I think the best thing to do would be to get legal advice, from a solicitor or citizen’s advice before doing anything. It seems a bit odd that he is pressuring you about the name yet failing to mention the legal ramifications. There are lots of contradictory posts with people telling you this or that is legal or illegal, so the best thing is for you to go a speak to someone qualified in person.

I know it’s a nightmare, honestly believe me. I am an unmarried mother and I’ve had a decade of absolute hell going through the family courts with my ex so I don’t need it explained to me but the basic fact is that once paternities established, the father can be added and that is his legal right. The most a mother can do in that situation is delay the process slightly and make herself look like a knob while she’s doing it.

Not sure what anything has to do with your father? You didn’t pick your surname or your first name. Both were given to you, but they are now yours. Would you be happy to change your daughter’s first name too? It’s her name now.

When you say he's great with her, what exactly do you mean? In terms of practical, financial and emotional contribution.

So let him do that. If he is actually willing to put the effort in, which so far he hasn't.

@Kira893 I think the register was right and helpful to point that out to you when you first registered the baby’s birth.

There are two issues here.

Do you gain anything by not having his name on the certificate? Well, if you split up and he gets difficult, yes, it helps you to not have his name there. He has been around for a while so that looks less likely.
If he wants his name on the certificate, he can get it in there by jumping through some hoops, with or without your consent. It is much easier for everyone if he does have your consent.

In your shoes, I’d tell him to do all the paperwork and give it to me to sign. Then he can send it off. He is a man so knows if or when he will get around to doing that? But the ball will be firmly in his court and I wouldn’t stand in his way.

Surnames - you are not married. The child should have your name. No question. It makes your life easier at doctors, schools, friends etc. If the Dad wants his name in the mix, he should either marry your or persuade you that hyphenating/adding/double barreling is a good idea. Nobody will blink if call the nursery and say little Johnny Smith is now little Johnny Smith-Jones.

In your shoes, I would make sure that whatever you decide about his name, yours must also be in there too. Non-negotiable.

Well, my advice to the OP was simply to give a doublebarrelled name

Most men don’t apply to be added though. Why hasn’t he applied?
A man with PR can make life very tricky for a mother if they aren’t on same page re parenting. I know a mum who spent several thousands on legal fees as dad with pr didn’t want child to go abroad on a trip.

Why? The vast majority of children manage just fine with only one surname, usually their father's.

Thanks everyone

I felt a bit bad leaving the father section blank for DD so I will definitely put father on there.
I don’t believe he’s that bothered about parental responsibility, he does his thing with DD and I don’t my thing. He’s pretty laid back in that sense, it’s just this surname thing he seems fixed on. I think it’s like principal or something, his idea is that the baby always takes the father’s name. Which I’ve learnt isn’t actually correct. At the time I liked DD having my surname but was always at the back of mind that father wanted her to have his. His brother had a baby and has fathers name even though parents not married which I think has reinforced it even more.
I’ve really got to think about this. Would changing last name cause a lot of issues? I’ve heard about holidays being difficult but I can’t imagine him not letting me take DD.
When I say he’s good with DD, I mean he’s very active in her life , financially she doesn’t go without etc. very close bond etc. Which I wasn’t expecting from his distant he was during pregnancy.

The birth certificate does not give men parental rights, it gives them parental responsibility. Many men use the responsibilities to abuse women. Eg blocking taking child abroad, blocking school applications. If a man is responsible eg not arguing with the woman that has just given birth to your child on the way to the registration appointment. This is why it is better to advise women not add the man, and if he makes the effort to go to court he can be added later. This man has not.

So he's not bothered about taking his parenting responsibilities seriously, he just wants to stamp his name on your daughter like he's branding cattle?

Ugh.

Do not change her name FFS!

Yes thanks, I know it’s parental responsibility. Like I said in a previous post I’ve been there and done it and got the T-shirt, you don’t have to explain it to me

your premise that if a man argues with the woman on the way to the appointment, he should not be on the birth certificate is ridiculous

OP you have a good relationship from him, and if I remember correctly you suggested that you would add his name if he stepped up and he has done this. Maybe seek some legal advice on the risks and benefits of removing your own name, in the end it seems like he will respect your decision so it’s your call. I think it’s really lovely that from the sounds of it you guys have a peaceful, mutually respectful situation going on there.

I'm married to dh and kept my name. Kids have his. They ask sometimes why they don't have my name. I think you need to consider how dd will feel in 5 years time when she's asking you why did you change her name away from yours. Because it mattered more to her father? Because I have to say that to my kids now. And I'm ashamed to admit to them that to him sharing a name with them was more important than it was to me.

Child doesn't get to know her Father because his name is on a bit of paper

@Kira893

Why should you do all the work? If he's all that het up about being DD's 'proven' father, let him take the legal route and get PR. Bet if you dump it right back in his lap, he won't be arsed to do it.

But personally, I'd let sleeping dogs lie. No name change, no changing the BC. You aren't a couple, you don't know what may happen in his life (or yours) as the future unfolds. Right now you're in the catbird's seat. DD will go to school where you chose. Should you choose to relocate you'll be able to do so. I'm not saying you should disregard his wishes necessarily, just that it's nice to know you have options, and no barriers to exercising those options.