How to deal with grandparents not respecting our wishes

[Chilledsummer]

One of our dc has a health condition which means that certain foods should be avoided. It's not a life or death situation like a nut allergy but still something serious and something that we are still learning about under direction of healthcare professionals.

I don't really want you to go into it because it would be quite identifying, but what I can say is that it's not just us being precious, and it's not difficult to avoid these foods or find alternatives.

Grandparents are fully aware of our dcs health and we have explained the consequences having these foods have on dc. We have made it crystal clear and have even handed things back when given as gifts and told them "dc cannot eat this". Despite this, they repeatedly ignore us and give these foods anyway when we are not there, but "just a little", or "we didn't think x or y was excluded" even though they damn well know.

I don't know how many more ways we can say it now.

"If you keep feeding him XYZ, you won't be seeing him again."

Just don't let them be with them alone.

You are going to have to be there all the time or the child does not see them. At least until the grandparents learn.

Ask them why they aren't listening and responding to you? Have they been like this with other things?

This.

I would give them a fair warning that they won't be visiting unsupervised if they do it again.

I completely understand as I have a child with celiacs and to begin with my dad was a bit laxed with checking thing's as it wasn't a life or death reaction.

Don't let them be alone with children until you can trust them. It isn't fair on the child.

See this brings out my childish side - I would start putting salt in their cups of tea or 10 sugars and when they spit it out tell them ‘oh, it’s only a little bit, what the problem’.
Then have a serious conversation again about your wishes for your child and how what they are trying to feed him is effecting him.

"We won't be letting you see the children unsupervised any more. You're repeatedly putting their health at risk by giving them food we have told you they're not allowed to eat and which will make them very ill and we are starting to think you've got Munchausens by proxy".

It isn't about them not respecting your wishes, it's about them ignoring their DGC medical condition and I wonder if you reframe your thinking then you'll be able to more easily take the advice of PP which I'm also going to echo, they don't see DGC without supervision until they take this seriously. It doesn't have to be life and death, it causes your child issues and that's enough to say no you are not listening and until you do then I'm sorry you won't be seeing DGC without us being there

I'd have a serious conversation with them and explain in very clear terms the short and long term damage they cause to his body/gut etc every time they give him "just a little bit". Just because he isn't having an instant allergic reaction doesn't mean it isn't harmful. Show them evidence in the form of studies and information you have been given that say this is the case.

Tell them that they are deliberately harming your child and aren't safe to be left alone with him as you feel you can't trust them. Then never leave them alone with him.

They may be of the generation that feel a little bit of something that disagrees with you can increase your resilience. They may think we mollycoddle kids nowadays and there was none of this in their day and they know better. I doubt you will ever be able to trust them if they think they know better. Their repeatedly exposing your DC to food that is harmful to them shows you this and that they don't intend to change. Sorry, but you can't just leave him with them any longer.

Is this happening when they're doing childcare?
If it is, I'd probably start supplying the food.
Hope your wee one is ok.

"The doctor has told us that we need to keep DC away from people who have a negative impact on their health by feeding them X. Sorry, we can't visit/have you over etc."

Keep that up for six months or so and then try again, if they feed them the prohibited food again, just never let the DC be in their company again.

The older generation still revere doctors as semi-gods in many cases, so if it seems like a doctor's instruction, rather than a parent's decision they may take it more seriously.

I'd have a very frank "WTF do you think you are doing" talk.

Is this food something like sugar, and they can’t stand the idea of child missing out on treats? Can you provide them with some suitable alternatives for them to give so they can feel like they’re still “spoiling” GC?

Ultimately though if you can’t trust them then they can’t be unsupervised with your child. One of my children has serious food allergies and one set of grandparents do quite genuinely seem to forget and/or not understand what foods are covered (that an almond is a nut for example) - despite the fact their grandmother could tell you how her cousin Tim she met twice in 1978 took his coffee, she can’t hold it in her head that DC has an allergy. They do not have my DC unless DH or I are there and paying attention.

Edit - I’d also stop calling it “respecting our wishes”. It’s not your wishes, it’s your child’s medical needs as advised by qualified medical professionals. It’s not whether they let your kid stay up past bedtime or have pudding before main course.

certain foods should be avoided. It's not a life or death situation like a nut allergy

Perhaps if you explained it to them as you have to us, then they really have not totally understood the situation properly. as your post says its not a life or death situation!

maybe you need to be more clear. so tell them that X, Y & Z. is bad for their health because this, that and the other happens.

Exactly this.

This issue comes up a lot and it’s really shocking how many GPs do this. If they don’t see serious health effects immediately (because the effect is delayed, and the child and parents have to suffer it later) it reinforces their belief that the parents are exaggerating.

Ils blatantly told me they would give my vegi dc meat when I wasn't there..
So they simply never had the dc without me there. Tell them this is what's happening... Their behaviour has made this the new scenario not you.

They do know though. They know what the health condition is and they know the consequences of not dc having these foods.

We have even handed foods back to them and told them that dc cannot have this.

Rather too many friends and family think their own opinions or views matter more that medical diagnosis. Thus: 'How will you know if he/she doesn't try it out?' and 'DC might get used to it if he/she tries it in small amounts', or even 'I've read online that they are saying you should introduce [forbidden foods] really early'. I don't think you can safely leave your DC unsupervised with anyone who thinks they 'know better'.

It's infuriating that I would have to say to two grown adults that they cannot be left alone with their grandchild because they won't listen to a simple instruction.

They are idiots to be honest. They've known for a number of years about this and promised to follow the healthcare advice. They stick to it for a few months then seem to 'forget'.

Think this sums it up really.

Obviously no unsupervised contact.

you may also have to institute a rule that they are not allowed to gift food of any kind to any of your children.

For example, my ILs like to do things like bring the grandkids chocolate at Easter and that works fine for our family. For yours, I would instead suggest they bring something like stickers or slime or some other inexpensive yet annoying trinket of their choosing.

The other question is how much longer are you happy to leave your child alone with them when they do not have enough regard for their health ? They also seemingly don’t respect you.

I've never got over my ex mil giving my lactose intolerant child milk. She'd had to wait secretly to pounce and give it him while we had gone out for 10 mins.
She and my SILs were rather obvious in their opinion that I made it up - and also had hoodwinked everyone into thinking he had autism.
She smiled when she told us. Couldn't give a shit that he had a 4h journey in the car to do with stomach ache. Bitch.
They are determined to prove their point and show you your fussing. Do not leave your child with them.