How to deal with grandparents not respecting our wishes

[Chilledsummer]

One of our dc has a health condition which means that certain foods should be avoided. It's not a life or death situation like a nut allergy but still something serious and something that we are still learning about under direction of healthcare professionals.

I don't really want you to go into it because it would be quite identifying, but what I can say is that it's not just us being precious, and it's not difficult to avoid these foods or find alternatives.

Grandparents are fully aware of our dcs health and we have explained the consequences having these foods have on dc. We have made it crystal clear and have even handed things back when given as gifts and told them "dc cannot eat this". Despite this, they repeatedly ignore us and give these foods anyway when we are not there, but "just a little", or "we didn't think x or y was excluded" even though they damn well know.

I don't know how many more ways we can say it now.

They don't do regular childcare just the very occasional morning during the holidays but this morning they have done it again. They seem to listen for a while then go back on it all.

I'm just pissed off and I can't understand why they do this.

When we ask them they just play silly and say that they didn't know. But they do know.

It's ridiculous.

My parents would have struggled with more complex dietary needs (they were the type to ask a vegetarian if duck is ok!) such as celiac disease and diabetes for example and I wouldn't have left ds with them unsupervised unless I could trust them to only give him food I provided.

Is providing the food for any visits an option? If they would disregard that too then your only options is no unsupervised visits until your dc is old enough to understand and say no.

it might be a bit easier if we knew exactly what the issue was to be honest?

Then you’ll have no choice but to put a stop to it and prevent any unsupervised access.

I wish all threads were as easy to resolve! 😀

They cannot be trusted to have your DC unsupervised, so just stop it. If they query it, you tell the truth.

How would you handle it if they were taking him out in the car without a car seat? Or letting him play unsupervised by a busy road? Just because this is a food based risk that 'might not' be immediately life threatening doesn't make it any better. They are endangering your child's health. I'm assuming they're your in laws? In which case, your H needs to read the riot act and tell them under no circumstances are they to do it again or they won't be able to have DC alone.

Advise them they won't be having unsupervised visits until they adhere to the rules.

It's a shame I know and not exactly the same reason but your DC maybe able to spend time with them when old and they can say. No Grandma Granddad I can't eat that. Older children are able to advocate for themselves.

This is the dreadful thing about these people. They are causing a child, their own grandchild, actual pain and suffering. Just because they think they know better and want to show you that. It’s unforgivable.

I'd make DC a snack box/ lunch box and tell them DC is only to eat the food you have provided. If they persist and give DC food they are allergic/ intolerant of then you need to stop unsupervised contact. I have some food issues at the moment and eating things like dairy make me incredibly sick and cause a lot of pain. The grandparents are being irresponsible.

It's a power play.

You have to remove their ability to make your child ill.

It'd be nice if they respected you, but this isn't about food, it's about power.

My dc has a similar sounding allergy- milk and soy.
it won’t kill him by making him go into anaphylactic shock, but makes him extremely ill, screaming in agony, blood in his nappy, rash all over his body, can’t sleep for days due to the pain, it meant as a baby he was classed as failure to thrive before we figured out the allergy as it was so severe he wasn’t putting weight on.
MIL refused to take it seriously as a ‘proper’ allergy and said a little bit couldn’t hurt etc

we now don’t see MIL.

i would say ‘giving dc food that he is allergic too, even a tiny bit, makes him extremely ill and is child abuse. If you continue to ignore us and give them anything they are not allowed and think you know better than we do, or better than medical professionals do, then you will not be seeing us or our dc.

someone has to stand up for your DC and put them first, if you’ve given them chances and they are still hurting your child you need to stop the relationship. You wouldn’t continue to let them around your child if they were physically hitting them to cause them pain, so why are you allowing them to continue causing your dc pain by dismissing their allergy.
You will also never be able to trust that they will not just give your dc the allergy food behind your back.
My MIL gave dc a small amount once, and they didn’t react (miraculously!) and they then used that as a stick to beat us with.

Time to say, "either you cannot be made to understand that DC can't have these foods, in which case DC can't be left with you due to declining cognitive function, or you refuse to hear us saying that DC can't have these foods, in which case DC can't be left with you as it is not safe."

If you are feeling very generous then you could add, "here is the list of foods/ingredients to avoid. If this happens again then we will know DC can no longer be left with you for one of those two reasons."

That's about all you can do, OP. You can only make you DC safe. You can't make the grandparents listen.

They're either idiots or are malicious. Either way you can't leave your DC with them again. You'll have to arrange alternative childcare.

Tbh it sounds like the OP has already tried all of the suggestions posters are making.

The only thing left to do now is no unsupervised contact.

It’s bizarre they’re not adhering to your wishes.
But as this isn’t a lifestyle choice , rather it’s a health issue, you need to unequivocally lay down the law. They do not feed the foods on the list or they don’t see the grandchildren. And until you are certain you can trust them, they get no unsupervised time.

This is very insightful . The only relative who “ forgets “ that I have a food intolerance is my SIL who doesn’t like me. I mean she “ forgets” in the time between the invitation being given ( and me reminding her and asking what food I can bring ) and the event itself.

And then she forgets again between the main course ( I usually end up being given plain rice or lettuce ) and the desert.

And then we play the whole game again next time we are at her house 🙄

Of course she expects me to remember her dietary preference , as I have done every time I’ve hosted her for the last 30 years.

So yes it’s about power @Chilledsummer .

It’s “ you can’t tell us what to do in our own house / with our own GC”.

And “ we don’t have to listen to you and your new fangled ideas about bringing up children “.

That's what is so infuriating.

We have made it crystal clear what ds can and cannot have. It's really not that difficult. They manage it for 6 months then seem to 'forget'.

Now we've got to say they can't see ds alone and they'll be telling everyone no doubt how we're keeping them from their grandchild.

I can only imagine it's like posters gave said that they think they know better there can be no other explanation.

If they ask then you shall have to say that simply put due to their age and apparent forgetfulness it will not be possible for them to have your children in an unsupervised capacity.

Stop asking them. They clearly don’t respect the advice and they are just pissing you off.

They've proved they can't be trusted to provide childcare at any level. Time to find an alternative.

I'd respond to anyone believing that you're keeping their grandchild away with "it's such a shame, but they're both having memory issues, it's really concerned us, but unfortunately as a result of it, they keep forgetting what DS can safely have and put him in danger". Repeat repeat repeat. And same to them. "Unfortunately due to your memory issues and forgetfulness you're unable to be alone with/see DS. we just can't put DS in danger, and you just keep forgetting".

Just tell them they can no longer have unsupervised access to their grandchild and you will be cutting back on visits because they are openly disrespecting boundaries. My partners mother did this and it caused health issues (as I told her numerous times that it would) it's neglectful to a child to feed them things that cause an adverse medical reaction when you're aware of the implications of your actions.

Try - “Why are you willing to hurt your grandson just to defy your son?” That might stick in their mind.

I’m assuming they are in-laws

I have 2 DC both who have allergies to food. Some of which aren't life and death but will make them very unwell and one DC has 2 that are very serious if eaten in a may contain. MIL has slipped up several times giving food without checking even with me sending food with DC when she cares for them as they want other food she has.
Due to this I've told her she is only to let them eat what I send with them and nothing else. No issues since this. My children both know even though they are quite young they are to only eat from their lunch box and nothing else.
Unfortunately some people just cannot be trusted and they aren't the ones dealing with the child when they become unwell so I've set boundaries on this and it's worked fine for over a year now.