New guy messaged my friend

[pheobepickle]

I've recently started texting a guy I met through social media, we've been speaking for a couple of a weeks and so far he seems lovely. We've not yet met up as both been busy with work etc, but we've arranged to meet up this weekend. I have spoke about him to one of my close friends, and today she decides to tell me he messaged her a year ago on facebook saying how stunning she is, she hadn't replied to him.

We've planned to meet this weekend and now I'm starting to feel a bit put off by the idea. Aibu?

Oh don’t feel a nob. It’s not as if last year he saw you and your friend side by side and binned you off to tell her she was stunning.

I can see why she told you as it might have seemed odd that she didn’t if you and him hit it off, they eventually meet and he recognises her.

Last year is irrelevant. Who’s to say if he had seen you side by side he wouldn’t have thought you more stunning. The point is you’ve been getting to know what each other are like not just what you look like and that is what is important

when you say you met through social media (which I think is really odd but is probably a factor of my age) did he message you or did you message him?

if he messaged you and you now also know he messaged your friend I would be questioning just how many women he messages & what is his success rate in taking it further. It would put me right off him.

This is no different to life before internet dating/messaging etc.

Back in the day he might've approached your friend and said he fancied her, then a year later he fancies you. It's how this sort of thing has always worked 🤷‍♀️

@Rickrolypoly exactly. I think that’s the crucial point here. I wouldn’t bother with this guy. I sometimes get dudes from dating apps message me on WhatsApp. Haven’t been on a dating app for 5+ years as I’m married with a kid now. One time, someone messaged me I went on one date with 10 (!) years ago. I really don’t get this behaviour. Also messaging random people on social media is so off-putting.

I tend to disagree.

Being approached in a pub by a man who compliments you and strikes up a conversation is very different to slipping into several random women's DMs to tell them they're stunning - cast a wide enough net and one of them will bite.

If he'd messaged through FB dating or something, fair enough but, as the OP hasn't been back, I suspect it was the former rather than the latter. Which makes it very different.

Its a good thing. It shows hes been single for a while, actively looking to date people, available.

I am messaged by random men on Facebook quite a lot, like “ hi gorgeous “ etc I thought this was sort of spam messaged and not that anyone actually replied to these. My Facebook profile isn’t particularly gorgeous. It’s me and my son and you can hardly see what look like. My profile is closed too.

Yeah that’s a red flag for me!

It’s different to seeing someone in a bar because you’d usually have made some sort of eye contact or smiled etc to alert them that you’re interested.

Sounds like he's messaging lots of women in the hope one goes for it.

A long time ago I dated a guy who had exchanged messages on a dating site with a friend (I showed her a picture before meeting him and she told me). It was ages before so didn’t put me off. Started seeing the guy and introduced him to friend on nights out etc. A few months later I saw a message from her flash up on his phone and it turned out they’d been messaging one another. All based off “I think we’ve spoken before!”. Both were out my life in the time it took for him to get his stuff together.
I’m not sure if I’m glad about it, on one hand I wasted time with a guy who basically cheated, and on the other hand it did expose my ‘friend’ as a backstabbing deadweight for me to get rid of.

I would say all of this is fine. Your friend was right to tell you...you would have questioned why she didn't if you found out later. It was over a year ago that he messaged her! Nothing happened. No problem.
He private messages women that he finds attractive. Where's the problem? Back in my day drunk men slobbered all over women at the bar that they found attractive...often 2 or 3 or 10 women in a single night!!!!
This is the way people connect with each other these days.
I don't see a problem......
Give the man a chance.

Yes that seems a bit of a strange behaviour!

I used to get messages on social media a lot from men who’d say I was stunning and trying to start a conversation - I’d never think to reply unless it was someone I knew.

There was a man in one of my old workplaces that messaged every woman from work on SM after his divorce. Someone else I knew who was a player would ask me about my SM friends and message them. Based on my anecdotal evidence this type of man does it regularly with god knows what aim.

Then again I suppose it’s no worse than OLD?

I don't understand this at all, nor the replies. If it were me I'd think my friend had done nothing wrong in telling me, and I'd also carry on with the date. What, are you looking for a man who has never messaged another woman before messaging you?

I suspect that you feel silly because you feel that your friend passed him over, so almost like you don't now want what's not good enough for your friend. If that's what's going on, it's silly. We're all different and the things we find attractive and datable in other people are wildly different. Many of my friends have absolutely fantastic husbands who wouldn't have been for me, had they ever messaged me in our single days. That doesn't mean I think my friends did badly - quite the opposite, their husbands are perfect for them (and all my relationships have been crap!).

I think she did the right thing. She rejected him so clearly she wasn’t interested. Better to know now than in 2 years time.
At this point he’s not really done anything wrong - messaging someone is hardly a crime.
Perhaps be cautious and take it slowly.

This.

The OP needs to know what this guy is up to. Her friend was absolutely correct to inform the OP.

She was right to tell you (although she could have missed out the ‘stunning’ bit 😂) - it’s true, and she didn’t want any secrets. They never met up, it’s a non issue.

Go ahead and meet him and see what he’s like.

It was far better that she told you up front rather than you finding out further down the track.

It was a year ago though so not sure why you feel a bit of a knob?

Sounds like the green eyed monster to me. Why say anything? Jealousy is a dreadful thing. Go on your date ignore her. Maybe she messaged him and he ignored her.

I think she is right. It was a year ago. If she hasn't told you and you found you'd be questioning why? It's not that hard.

What was his first message to you?

If it was anything about you being stunning, congratulations you've just found out this is how he fishes. There's probably hundreds of women's inboxes sitting with the exact same message in it. You just happened to bite.

I don’t think she was wrong to tell you. I would want to know if someone I’m considering dating is the type of guy who messages random women on social media. Just because it was a year ago it’s doubtful she’s the only one he’s ever messaged. Is that how you and him got chatting?

If you live in the same area, she's attractive, he was looking for a partner, why wouldn't he message her a year ago? It's a slightly awks coincidence but nothing more than something to have a laugh about. He undoubtedly messaged plenty of women when he was single.
Honestly I'd not be bothered. Other than maybe asking why your mate didn't think she wanted to reply?
Surely it's good that your mate doesn't fancy your potential new bf?

Don't feel like a nob and don't hold it against your friend, she was probably just getting it out there so it doesn't cause any issues later.
Ignore the criticism about his approach to meeting women. Dating sites are not for everyone and meeting people out and about socially is not the way it used to be.
If you like him and want to meet him just make sure its in a place you're comfortable and safe. You can only judge him properly then.
In other words, just chill and if it works great!