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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to tell DC their dad is a deadbeat

75 replies

Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 19:12

I have never and will never badmouth my EXH to our DC but I need to start introducing the idea to my eldest DC 9 that he's a deadbeat and they are likely not going to have contact with him for a significant period of time/ever.

Since we separated 2 years ago I've done everything to facilitate contact but for various reasons its been very on for short periods and off for long periods (all due to him and his choices) I don't really want to go into detail but it's now on him to set up contact and I doubt he will, it's already been approx 4 months.

DC hasn't really asked as sadly they are used to not seeing him as there have been substantial breaks in contact before (again all his choice) but I know they will ask at some point and I don't know what to say to them. Currently they have been told that he's on the naughty step/in time out because he's been making bad choices. (They were home when the police called round about the latest lot of abuse/threats/harassment and they didn't hear any of my conversation with the police, only their dad's name said by the officer on arrival before I could get them out of earshot)

Just to clarify he's not in prison it was the only thing I could think of to say to them off the top of my head and why I want to be more prepared the next time I'm questioned.

When they are an adult I can have an appropriate conversation and show a lot of evidence from courts, social worker etc that my conscience is clear and I did all I could to facilitate a relationship between them but for now they are a young child and I can't tell them that their dad is a narcissistic, abusive c*nt who only cares about himself!

My younger DC barely remembers him and won't be asking any time soon but obviously I'll need answers for my other DC at some point too. The focus right now is to be prepared to answer my older DCs questions that will be coming soon as they are aware time outs don't last this long!

Apologies it's so long I was trying to give enough detail, I've also NC for this. Any advice welcome please.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 22/07/2024 19:15

Just tellthe truth but no need to call names
Their dad is not a toddler
"I don't know why he cannot make it to see you. Now shall we go visit uncle jon this weekend? Would you like to play monopoly?"

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 19:27

Currently they have been told that he's on the naughty step/in time out because he's been making bad choices.

what does your 9 year old say to this?

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 19:28

my 9 year old would know i was point blank telling a daft lie

Original poster
Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:30

@courgettes4eva DC was a bit eyebrow raised but accepted it, since birth until we left and went into refuge they have been around him shouting, arguing, being aggressive etc (never witnessed violence) so sadly it wasn't too much of a shock that the police were round (again, they've been around several times since we left). I fully agree that they know it's bullshit hence me expecting to be questioned again and wanting to be ready with much better answers

OP posts:
EG94 · 22/07/2024 21:35

Be honest. Mummy and daddy aren’t friends anymore as you know but daddy has found it difficult to find time to see you. I don’t know why and maybe when you’re older or when you see him next you can ask him. I always ask dad if he wants to see you but he isn’t able to make it for reasons I don’t know. I’m really sorry I can’t answer you and I wish I could but that’s a question only your dad knows the answer to. I’m here though, and I’m always here for you, ill do my best to answer any questions you may have and I love you so much

Sapphire387 · 22/07/2024 21:39

I'm not sure why you are so keen to protect him. Your children know the truth - they have seen him.

Just say he's been in trouble with the police, you have asked him if he wants to see them (the kids) but he hasn't replied, and sadly he isn't very good at being a dad.

Why are you so keen to facilitate a relationship with an abuser? Is that really in your children's best interests? Not trying to sound harsh, but genuinely.

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:39

Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:30

@courgettes4eva DC was a bit eyebrow raised but accepted it, since birth until we left and went into refuge they have been around him shouting, arguing, being aggressive etc (never witnessed violence) so sadly it wasn't too much of a shock that the police were round (again, they've been around several times since we left). I fully agree that they know it's bullshit hence me expecting to be questioned again and wanting to be ready with much better answers

given what they have experienced and seen he’s capable of, it is highly unlikely they believe he is on naughty step.

I don’t think there needs to be any kind of announcement.

When they ask to see him, you respond that sadly you have no idea. But you have more than enough love for them to cover them both

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:41

if he’s not seeing them because he’s in jail, then please tell them.

if he’s not seeing them because he can’t be bothered, then you say you don’t know and it’s his loss because he’s missing out on spending time with the best kids on the planet

don’t ever mention the naughty step nonsense again

Original poster
Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:44

Oh I won't be bringing it up I'll be waiting until I'm asked but I know they won't accept me saying I don't know 😕 I have and will continue to reassure that dad loves them etc and that I will always be there and love them.

When I said he had made bad choices DC initially misunderstood and thought I meant he was a bad man (he is!) But I told them that no he's a good man just making bad choices. I hate lying but I don't think it's right to slag their dad off even if it is the truth

OP posts:
DumbassHamsterSitterPerson · 22/07/2024 21:45

I've never told my DC their Dad is a deadbeat.
"Why isn't Daddy coming to see us?"
"I don't know darling. Shall we go to the park instead?"

They are 19 and 17 now. Not only are they aware he's a waste of space, they have thanked me for never bad mouthing him to them.

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:47

they accepted you saying he was on the naughty step

and you don’t think they’d accept you being honest and saying “I don’t know” because that the truth… you don’t

Missymoo100 · 22/07/2024 21:47

I think you are doing just fine with the explanation you have given- I would just try and explain dad has a chaotic lifestyle, makes poor decisions and can be unreliable. Sometimes people disappoint us and let us down. I wouldn’t sugar coat it too much, I wouldn’t bad mouth him either- I would be honest to a point because the children might think it’s to do with them, not him.
Most importantly they need reassurance from you they are very much loved, and their dads behaviour is no reflection on them. It’s his loss and he is the one missing out.

Original poster
Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:47

Unfortunately there's no way my DC will accept I don't know, that will make the situation MUCH bigger and I want to answer as truthfully as possible (without saying anything negative or bad mouthing him) so they have an 'answer' they can accept and move on.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 22/07/2024 21:48

Just be honest and explain that unfortunately they've been lumbered with a father who isnt ready to be decent dad and the situation may or may not change in the future

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:48

Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:44

Oh I won't be bringing it up I'll be waiting until I'm asked but I know they won't accept me saying I don't know 😕 I have and will continue to reassure that dad loves them etc and that I will always be there and love them.

When I said he had made bad choices DC initially misunderstood and thought I meant he was a bad man (he is!) But I told them that no he's a good man just making bad choices. I hate lying but I don't think it's right to slag their dad off even if it is the truth

there’s a middle ground op
but you seem to think of it as either bigging him as a good man or telling them he’s a deadbeat

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:48

Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:47

Unfortunately there's no way my DC will accept I don't know, that will make the situation MUCH bigger and I want to answer as truthfully as possible (without saying anything negative or bad mouthing him) so they have an 'answer' they can accept and move on.

but you don’t know when he will next be in contact

but you are lying to them with the naughty step nonsense

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/07/2024 21:49

Bad mouthing is telling nasty lies. You should tell your DC the truth about their dad in an age appropriate way. It’s ok to tell them he is a mean person that would shout at you and so on, and that is why you left. You aren’t obligated to facilitate a relationship between them and an abusive parent. Alienation only applies when an ex tells lies to the DC to turn them against one parent. You wouldn’t be lying. Obviously you can’t trauma dump everything that happened onto them, but you can tell the truthfully he was not nice to mummy or them and so you split up and that is just like what you do when a friend is not nice to you, you stop being friends and playing together.

Original poster
Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:50

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:48

there’s a middle ground op
but you seem to think of it as either bigging him as a good man or telling them he’s a deadbeat

Show quote history

That's what I'm struggling with and why I'm asking for help 😕 I despise him but I don't want to EVER let my DC know that and I can't swallow saying he's a good man when he's not. I've no perspective here due to my personal feelings of all the shit he's put us through so I can't clearly see the middle ground

OP posts:
courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:50

it’s ludicrous to think your 9 year old thinks his father has been sent to the naughty step op

You need to be a solid and trustworthy constant in their life given their father

and that involves not feeding them silly lies

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:51

Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:50

That's what I'm struggling with and why I'm asking for help 😕 I despise him but I don't want to EVER let my DC know that and I can't swallow saying he's a good man when he's not. I've no perspective here due to my personal feelings of all the shit he's put us through so I can't clearly see the middle ground

Show quote history

literally NO ONE is saying you should say he’s a good man

however you said he was was to them!

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:51

and I can't swallow saying he's a good man when he's not.

but you said precisely that. He’s a “good man” who’s just made “bad decisions”

Chickenuggetsticks · 22/07/2024 21:52

Tell them truth, he’s behaves badly and only really cares about himself so you don’t know. Theres no point lying about it, it’s not their fault and it’s not your fault. They can manage their expectations if they clear about what a pointless person he is. The thing to emphasise is that your kids are perfect and a blessing and it’s no-one fault that their dad is a shit bag, some people are just like this.

Original poster
Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:54

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:50

it’s ludicrous to think your 9 year old thinks his father has been sent to the naughty step op

You need to be a solid and trustworthy constant in their life given their father

and that involves not feeding them silly lies

It was a stupid lie I admit that, my DC has quite black and white thinking so it was the first thought off the top of my head in response to being asked about the police visit. For DC the police help you or punish you so it made sense at the time. I know it's not going to wash going forward so I'm trying to find that middle ground so they have an answer to their questions and then forget about him again until something crops up to remind them he exists, at that point I'll just repeat what I've previously told them

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 22/07/2024 21:54

You don't tell them he is a deadbeat, you don't make out he is better than he is either.

You tell them the truth without the waffle. Dad makes bad choices, you broke up because it wasn't a safe place for you all to live together and it isn't appropriate for him to see them. It's sad you can't be together as a family but it's not ok to shout / swear etc whatever behaviour they have seen.

You then fill their life with strong male and female role models and possibly an impartial therapist to talk through their feelings which they can't come to you with

You don't sugar coat it so that they think when they are older that it is ok to treat their partners like that.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/07/2024 21:55

Your feeling that it isn’t right to lie is the feeling you should be listening to. By telling the DC their dad is a good man, they will trust him because they trust you. They will be curious about him and ask questions.

They may then push to go see their “good” dad and when they do, he is likely to not treat them well once the honeymoon first flush is past. They will at first blame themselves and try desperately to win his approval, trusting in you that he is good and so they must be bad kids.

Eventually the penny will drop and they will realise they aren’t bad kids, he is a bad man AND you lied to them, so you aren’t good either. They will then be very angry with you, their trust in you will be broken.

They deserve the truth so they can make good decisions about whether they want a relationship with him and forewarned is forearmed when it comes to dealing with toxic family members.

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