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Original poster

How to tell DC their dad is a deadbeat

75 replies

Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 19:12

I have never and will never badmouth my EXH to our DC but I need to start introducing the idea to my eldest DC 9 that he's a deadbeat and they are likely not going to have contact with him for a significant period of time/ever.

Since we separated 2 years ago I've done everything to facilitate contact but for various reasons its been very on for short periods and off for long periods (all due to him and his choices) I don't really want to go into detail but it's now on him to set up contact and I doubt he will, it's already been approx 4 months.

DC hasn't really asked as sadly they are used to not seeing him as there have been substantial breaks in contact before (again all his choice) but I know they will ask at some point and I don't know what to say to them. Currently they have been told that he's on the naughty step/in time out because he's been making bad choices. (They were home when the police called round about the latest lot of abuse/threats/harassment and they didn't hear any of my conversation with the police, only their dad's name said by the officer on arrival before I could get them out of earshot)

Just to clarify he's not in prison it was the only thing I could think of to say to them off the top of my head and why I want to be more prepared the next time I'm questioned.

When they are an adult I can have an appropriate conversation and show a lot of evidence from courts, social worker etc that my conscience is clear and I did all I could to facilitate a relationship between them but for now they are a young child and I can't tell them that their dad is a narcissistic, abusive c*nt who only cares about himself!

My younger DC barely remembers him and won't be asking any time soon but obviously I'll need answers for my other DC at some point too. The focus right now is to be prepared to answer my older DCs questions that will be coming soon as they are aware time outs don't last this long!

Apologies it's so long I was trying to give enough detail, I've also NC for this. Any advice welcome please.

OP posts:
courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:55

well we’ve given our advice and essentially it’s all the same

be child appropriate honest

You don’t know if and when he’ll be in contact but that’s his loss because he’s missing out on being with the best kids in the world.

Assure them that if he doesn’t contact you, you will let them know

Original poster
Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:56

I know and it was bitter in my mouth and I don't want to repeat it. Have you never panicked when put on the spot? Hence me trying to find the "right" words so I'm not caught out and having to blatantly lie/say stupid things like the naughty step

OP posts:
courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 21:56

and apologise to your 9 year old for trying to make him believe his dad had been sat on the naughty step for the last few months!

StormingNorman · 22/07/2024 21:58

I know you miss daddy and I’m sure he’s missing you too. I don’t know where he is right now, but I do know that wherever he is he loves you very much. You haven’t done anything wrong and Daddy isn’t mad at you. Sometimes it takes adults a little while to learn how to be good parents. I’ll always be here for you. I’m not going anywhere. Shall we go and do something fun today? How about crazy golf?

BookArt · 22/07/2024 22:00

Daddy hasn't been making good choices and adults get consequences just like children, just different.
I know as much as you, daddy has not been in contact about seeing you for a while. You've done nothing wrong and I love you very much, but sometimes adults don't make the right decisions.
Daddy isn't kind to mummy sometimes. When another child is unkind to you then you don't play with them. You might walk away and play with someone else. Well I realised that I needed to walk away from daddy because he wasn't treating me the way I want to be treated and that is okay to do.
The police are there to help and give advise. The police have helped me to make sure we are safe and have helped me make deucusins to do that. Isn't that good?

I always ask if they have any questions after I parrot my answer to their initial question. If I don't know the answer or struggle to make it child friendly in the moment, or simply panic... I say 'what do you think?' my five year old comes out with some good responses to this that I often wish were my own!!

Don't be the bad guy.
Don't be saying nice things about him as that would be even more confusing.
Don't lie, kids see lies even if they don't understand.
It's okay to say that sometimes even adults don't know the answer.
I personally wouldn't be telling them daddy loves them... Because his actions do not demonstrate that. I would reiterate how much you love them and that you will always be there for them, that you are a team.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/07/2024 22:02

Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:56

I know and it was bitter in my mouth and I don't want to repeat it. Have you never panicked when put on the spot? Hence me trying to find the "right" words so I'm not caught out and having to blatantly lie/say stupid things like the naughty step

I’d go to your 9 yo and say I need to have a chat with you. Then explain you panicked and didn’t know how to tell him why the police were there asking about their dad. Then tell him that the police are making sure their dad can’t be mean to their mummy anymore. They were there to help mummy.

Stressfordays · 22/07/2024 22:04

I have a similar situation, for my younger ones if it crops up I simply say 'hes not a nice man' and change the subject. My eldest is 11 and over the last year or so I've been reasonably honest with him, as child friendly as I can but I don't believe in lying to children as it will eventually bite you on the arse.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/07/2024 22:05

StormingNorman · 22/07/2024 21:58

I know you miss daddy and I’m sure he’s missing you too. I don’t know where he is right now, but I do know that wherever he is he loves you very much. You haven’t done anything wrong and Daddy isn’t mad at you. Sometimes it takes adults a little while to learn how to be good parents. I’ll always be here for you. I’m not going anywhere. Shall we go and do something fun today? How about crazy golf?

? Let’s not lie that a zero is some hero

Wordsmithery · 22/07/2024 22:10

Dont sugarcoat, just tell as near to the truth, in simple terms, as you can. The facts speak for themselves. He makes bad choices, he gets into trouble.
I don't think it's particularly helpful to tell then daddy loves them heaps. They'll end up with a distorted vision of love. YOU love them, and that shows in the way you protect them and care for them.
Fortunately, I think having one super strong and loving parent (i.e. you) is enough for children to grow up with self esteem and turn into well adjusted adults.

Starseeking · 22/07/2024 22:11

You don't need to tell your DC their Dad is a deadbeat; they'll work it out for themselves when they are older.

Also stop this nonsense about naughty steps, it's infantilising their Dad. Just tell them you don't know when they'll next see him, because you don't. Then move on to a fun activity to keep them busy.

keffie12 · 22/07/2024 22:16

I would just say, "Your dad makes bad lifestyle choices. His life is very chaotic, and because of that, I don't know where he is. I would tell you if I knew. I don't. " Then distract them.

You also need to be consistent in what you say. Your 9 year old is able to take that in. Age appropriate, you can develop it.

Alternatively, you can say or add, "I know dad loves you very much. However, his life is chaotic, and that's why I can't tell you anything because I don't know"

They need to start getting their heads around this. When they don't accept it, you firmly with love say it again and distract.

As they get older, you can say, "I know you are learning from this and won't do it with your own children."

That's what worked for me

LostTheMarble · 22/07/2024 22:16

Please be careful what you say, op. Yes your children will realise he’s a ‘deadbeat’ over time but having grown up hearing what a nasty, useless, drunk man my father was didn’t help me come to terms with those facts. Remember, the children are half of him and as they grow older they may become concerned that anything they deem negative about themselves may have come from him - therefore considering themselves bad people as well. There is a time for honesty but you should be careful in the language you use regardless.

ohthejoys21 · 22/07/2024 22:26

For a different perspective, my kids are both adults. They know full well their dad is deadbeat, but they don't want to hear me say it. They've never wanted that conversation with me. They worked it out for themselves over time.

ohthejoys21 · 22/07/2024 22:30

LostTheMarble · 22/07/2024 22:16

Please be careful what you say, op. Yes your children will realise he’s a ‘deadbeat’ over time but having grown up hearing what a nasty, useless, drunk man my father was didn’t help me come to terms with those facts. Remember, the children are half of him and as they grow older they may become concerned that anything they deem negative about themselves may have come from him - therefore considering themselves bad people as well. There is a time for honesty but you should be careful in the language you use regardless.

So true. My adult dd is now having psychotherapy as she wants to be a 'better person'. I think she sees traits of her dad in herself and wants to be better.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/07/2024 22:34

That’s why you never tell your DC ‘you’re just like your dad’ or even the less obvious ‘please don’t shout, your dad used to…’ when they misbehave,..and they will DC are only human..

(not saying you did oh the joys or lost the marble, just giving an example of being careful what you say)

Maddy70 · 22/07/2024 22:35

They'll find out for themselves

Dont bad mouth. Dont make excuses

cestlavielife · 23/07/2024 08:34

Do not say daddy loves you
You do not know that
And he is not showing it
Just say " I do not know" if they ask
You cannot speak for their dad you cannot say what is in his head
Said I do not know it is the truth
If they ask why did police come be truthful. He hurt mummy. He got too angry...when you feel angry it is best to go outside and calm down. Take ten breaths

Original poster
Deadbeatex · 23/07/2024 09:39

Sapphire387 · 22/07/2024 21:39

I'm not sure why you are so keen to protect him. Your children know the truth - they have seen him.

Just say he's been in trouble with the police, you have asked him if he wants to see them (the kids) but he hasn't replied, and sadly he isn't very good at being a dad.

Why are you so keen to facilitate a relationship with an abuser? Is that really in your children's best interests? Not trying to sound harsh, but genuinely.

I'm not sure either tbh, I suppose because he never directed the abuse towards them? Although I've come to realise since leaving him that he still abused them by the way he treated me with them around. If he does attempt contact there are certain safeguarding measures he has to undergo first

OP posts:
courgettes4eva · 23/07/2024 09:43

Deadbeatex · 22/07/2024 21:30

@courgettes4eva DC was a bit eyebrow raised but accepted it, since birth until we left and went into refuge they have been around him shouting, arguing, being aggressive etc (never witnessed violence) so sadly it wasn't too much of a shock that the police were round (again, they've been around several times since we left). I fully agree that they know it's bullshit hence me expecting to be questioned again and wanting to be ready with much better answers

i can’t imagine wanting to actively encourage interaction with someone like this OP

I certainly wouldn’t be doing everything i can to facilitate a thing

so no more daft talk of naughty steps (even the younger children)

Just child appropriate explanation along the lines of… you don’t know when next in contact, you promise to tell them when he does, and you think it’s his loss because he misses out on best thing ever… them!

i presume no CMS?

courgettes4eva · 23/07/2024 09:44

Deadbeatex · 23/07/2024 09:39

I'm not sure either tbh, I suppose because he never directed the abuse towards them? Although I've come to realise since leaving him that he still abused them by the way he treated me with them around. If he does attempt contact there are certain safeguarding measures he has to undergo first

Show quote history

like what? has he done them the previous times he’s been in contact?

Original poster
Deadbeatex · 23/07/2024 09:49

courgettes4eva · 23/07/2024 09:43

i can’t imagine wanting to actively encourage interaction with someone like this OP

I certainly wouldn’t be doing everything i can to facilitate a thing

so no more daft talk of naughty steps (even the younger children)

Just child appropriate explanation along the lines of… you don’t know when next in contact, you promise to tell them when he does, and you think it’s his loss because he misses out on best thing ever… them!

i presume no CMS?

Edited
Show quote history

I'm no longer encouraging any contact, it's on him now to take the relevant steps needed which I don't believe he will.

I'm undecided if I will start the conversation or wait until DC brings it up but I'm clearer in my mind on what I want to say thanks to the advice on here. I won't bad mouth him as I don't think that's right but I also won't be lying, daddy didn't treat mummy right and I know you were scared by all the shouting that's why we left and the police are helping us be safe etc

No cms, we had a private arrangement but this month following a court date for a non molestation order he hasn't paid. Luckily I don't factor it into my budget as he's form for this as a way of attempting to keep control over me

OP posts:
courgettes4eva · 23/07/2024 09:50

what safeguarding measures does he have to follow?

Original poster
Deadbeatex · 23/07/2024 09:52

Thank you to everyone that has taken the time so far to comment and give advice, it's difficult when in the thick of it to see things clearly and you have helped me take the step back I needed to think clearly

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 23/07/2024 09:52

Just tell the truth, you don't have to say he's a 'bad man'. They are allowed to come to their own conclusion.

'he's unpredictable, he has anger issues, he was unkind to me'

As a pp said - build their relationships with good male role models instead - good uncles, grandparents, friends.

If their dad is so aggressive and flaky it's best to keep him at a very long arms length anyway and don't encourage a strong bond between your children and him as they will only get hurt and damaged in the long run.

Original poster
Deadbeatex · 23/07/2024 09:54

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 22/07/2024 22:34

That’s why you never tell your DC ‘you’re just like your dad’ or even the less obvious ‘please don’t shout, your dad used to…’ when they misbehave,..and they will DC are only human..

(not saying you did oh the joys or lost the marble, just giving an example of being careful what you say)

I agree and don't say anything like this, he is never mentioned in our house unless the DC bring him up first. They are aware it's not a banned topic and they can always talk about him, ask questions but they rarely do. Usually something happens that makes them think of him, a conversation happens and then he's not mentioned again

OP posts: