Help me with my lazy 10 year old please

[Himitsu]

Hi I really need some help.

My 10 year daughter is incredibly lazy and nothing I have tried so far has had much effect on her. My husband thinks I’m being too soft on her so maybe I do need to be harsher but want some other mums opinions.

some examples of her behaviours:

She leaves dirty plates and cups everywhere. Even my 2 year old knows to put his dirty plate in the dishwasher when he’s finished yet she will finish eating then just get up and leave.

She doesn’t wipe herself properly. We have tried buying flushable wipes for her but no effects my husband this morning made her hand wash her pants in the sink as he’s just absolutely had enough (he does the laundry).

I have to physically stand there and watch her clean her teeth and shower because she will just stand there with the toothbrush in her mouth or under the water and won’t wash.

She just chucks things on the floor. Crisp packets, her tablet, the switch etc. The iPad has a crack on the screen where she’s just chucked it on the floor in her room and walked across it.

I’ve tried helping her do things, I’ve tried taking things away, I’ve tried shouting at her and punishing but nothing works.

she has no additional needs, is a very capable girl when it comes to things she WANTS to do.

I just don’t know what to do with her. Every day is a battle and it gotten to a point where I just don’t enjoy being around her atm.

Please help.

There is no way you know she has no additional needs unless she has actually been assessed for them. Many highly academic and capable people struggle with executive functioning issues.

You also cant compare a two year old with a ten year old, all two year olds love to help that tends to disappear as they get older.

She is not an adult you need to remind her, or instead of nagging have a 10 minute family tidyup time where all rooms are searched and crockery brought to the kitchen, Dirty laundry into the basket, rubbish picked up and in the bin, toys etc put away and stick some music on and make it fun like 'tidy up' time at nursery, it works for older children too.

There actually does sound like there is something going on with her and you labelling her 'lazy' won't be helping. You need to try body doubling. Although she might seem capable of these things it's clear she isn't just yet

Not wiping and not brushing teeth sounds like more than lazy.

She has no additional needs, I have had her assessed previously.

Assessed for what? She can't have been assessed for everything and each assessment looks for different criteria.
Even if someone doesn't meet the criteria on the day it doesn't mean they can't have struggles in particular area and traits of that condition.

Either way most people aren't so careless, and have poor hygiene for no reason. Perhaps some play therapy to help and support her and a session with an OT might help her if you previously thought she was struggling with something to warrant and assessment previously.

She needs to be put forward for assessment through the school and they have absolutely zero concerns about her. She is just lazy. She is capable on doing things when it suits her.

This sounds like far more than laziness. I very much doubt she has no additional needs. Even actual laziness doesnt look like this

Your DH forcing her to handwash soiled underwear is horrible btw, serves no purpose other than humiliate her. As a therapist I hear stories like that all the time. Stuff like that does a lot of damage.

Since school have no concerns...think about why she's functioning at school and not at home.

School is structured with a clear timetable and everyone does the same thing at the same time with 50 minute intervals. I doubt she gets that at home.

What was she assessed for?

My son does many of the things you've described. He has autism and adhd.

On the pants thing - soiling is often a sign of chronic constipation. At this age a child may be ashamed of this so what comes across as laziness and defiance may actually be a dc trying to hold onto their dignity. I suggest you visit GP about the soiling and look at the many other threads on mn about the issue.

Yea, my DDs school had zero concerns about her until she got an autism diagnosis. That I went for privately as. Could see the traits and we have a family history.

Not saying she has autism but tasks being out of sight and out of mind are very common as it is with other conditions that impact executive function. My DD will happily help with chores and is perfectly capable of doing them, she just doesn't see them even when they are Infront of her until they are pointed out to her and even if they are things we do everyday and she is literally a genius so ability really has nothing to do with it. Showering/teeth/wiping all linked to sensory issues.

You would be shocked at how many children are 'fine' at Primary and by the time they are half way through Secondary have been put forward for the assessments they clearly needed all along.

Regardless, calling her lazy won't help nor will punishing her. Set chores or routines everyday done together as a family, give her one task - crockery and she goes and finds that, other child does laundry, third picks up rubbish for the bin etc. laundry basket in her room and she does her own laundry.

She’s not spoiling herself. She’s just not wiping herself. I’ve watched her do it. She does one wipe, doesn’t even look at the paper and just chucks it in the toilet and pulls her pants up. I then tell her I’ve just seen what she did and she will huff and then do it properly. She was perfectly able to wipe her own ass for many years until the last 6 months. No significant changes in her life, I know the signs to look out for I was a mental health nurse for many years.

I was like this as a child. Didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood after dropping out of uni and otherwise failing to fulfil my potential (straight A student at school).

I'm going to go against others and say apathy is your friend.

Let it happen. For everything she breaks, that's hers from now on. Of she throws something on the floor, it gets collected and put in her bed. If she breaks her phone, she's stuck with it. For every dish she doesnt out in the dishwasher, thats now hers for dinner. If she smells, doesn't do her teeth etc, her friends will let her know... kids can be cruel and that will really be a wake up call.

As you state you are/have been a mental health professional, I am sure you are aware that a sudden change in behaviour, you indicated it being six months ago, is significant. Withdrawing from performing activities of daily living such as showering, brushing teeth, wiping properly is potentially linked to emotional distress/feelings around self worth. You need to look closer as to what has happened in the last six months.

Regardless of whether she has a diagnosis of something or not, the behaviour still needs to be managed in a kind and productive way. I agree with PPs that getting her to wash soiled underwear herself seems cruel (although I can totally understand that you are probably both fed up of the same issue and feel like you’ve tried everything.)

Id take her to the GP in the first instance to exclude anything that might need some sort of further assessment or intervention - for example does she have some sort of sensory issue which makes her dislike wiping and cleaning herself?

What is she like at school? I imagine some of these behaviours must be spilling over there so would be interesting to get teachers’ viewpoints.

Sometimes being a healthcare professional yourself almost makes it more tricky - even though you have the knowledge it’s really hard to apply it to those you love.

Sounds very, very typical of what would have been diagnosed as Aspergers syndrome 5 or so years ago - was she properly assessed by a paediatric doctor or did she just have screening? DS wasn't picked up till 11 when it just started to become a bit more obvious and he had a very clued up teacher.

You say she has already been assessed, what prompted you to get her assessed in the first place? It can't just have been that she doesn't put her plates in the dishwasher, there must have been more than that going on.

Your husband sounds vile, stop making her hand wash her own pants in the sink. You're just humiliating her when she already probably has very low self esteem from all the punishing, shouting and taking things away. Skid marks will come out in the washing machine so what's all the fuss? God it sounds like an awful household to grow up in.

When she doesn't put her dishes in the dishwasher call her (kindly) down and gently remind her. Why doesn't she just have a bath rather than a shower, and get her an electric toothbrush to use.

'she has no additional needs, is a very capable girl when it comes to things she WANTS to do.' Absolutely typical of Asperger's DS is an adult now and still the same.

You honestly need to really rethink your whole approach to parenting because an autistic child with this sort or parenting is going to have her self esteem through the floor - you are creating the potential for huge mental health problems when she hits puberty and that could go in any number of really awful directions - self harm, eating disorders, anxiety and depression, abusive relationships formed in desperation to find someone who likes/loves her.

Please rethink what you are doing here.

Another one popping up to say sounds like my ADHD dd who’s now 16. She seemed pretty average to me till about aged 9 when this sort of thing started. I also interpreted it as pure laziness and “soap dodging” and wish I’d been more on the ball as it’d have saved a lot of stress and anxiety on both sides.

My younger dd is now 9 and has also started being “lazy” and disorganised as well as dodging brushing teeth etc - with the benefit of hindsight and seeing other little quirks, I’m anticipating she also has it.

If she’s already had an assessment there must have been some concerns in the past, OP?

@itswonkylampshade OP goes on to say the DD hasn't actually been assessed as school see no issue with her behaviour.

I actually had her assessed privately thanks

I said yabu because I’m shocked at your dh making your dd wash her dirty pants. Poor girl, shaming her in this way. I am also struggling to believe you were a mental health nurse and cannot relate to your child. I get it’s annoying. However, there is clearly some issue. This is a reaction to something or there are additional needs. Either way, this needs to be unpicked by you, her parents. Not via punishments.

Have you stepped in and done things for her when she should have done them? How patient are you?

I suspect she is a bottom up thinker not a top down thinker. Go back to basics and map out what the daily routine looks like and what success looks like. Success looks like doing the required task consistently for about six weeks because that is how long it takes to build new neural pathways. It's not one and done.

Then track her progress with her. It's going to feel like it goings against your flow but you have to walk at her pace.

There's something to be said for 'progress not perfection' too - sometimes we don't do things because we fear not getting them right and we know we will sometimes get it wrong (that's human after all). But you don't have to be perfect, you just have to try - showing effort is important. Praise effort and give freedom to set own goals and timetable of progress.

So in the last 6 months your daughter’s behaviour has significantly changed, school have no concerns but you’re had her assessed and nothing has been flagged.

Just trying to understand the timeline.

I had her assessed 2 years ago and it turned out to be something else that isn’t relevant to this discussion.

We made her wash her pants because we thought maybe actually seeing how disgusting they are might make her realise that she needs to be doing it properly every time, not when she knows I’m watching. Same with her teeth, she will just stand there with it in her mouth until she realises I’m watching her then she will brush her teeth properly. She knows how to do these things, she is able to do these things, she just doesn’t want to out in the effort unless she has to.

The school having no concerns doesn't mean she isn't neuro diverse. There are a huge range of conditions and girls in particular are excellent at masking in school
Incidentally I think it's cruel to make her scrub her underwear when she doesn't wipe properly.
She is a child and many adults are not able to wipe properly!