Help me with my lazy 10 year old please

[Himitsu]

Hi I really need some help.

My 10 year daughter is incredibly lazy and nothing I have tried so far has had much effect on her. My husband thinks I’m being too soft on her so maybe I do need to be harsher but want some other mums opinions.

some examples of her behaviours:

She leaves dirty plates and cups everywhere. Even my 2 year old knows to put his dirty plate in the dishwasher when he’s finished yet she will finish eating then just get up and leave.

She doesn’t wipe herself properly. We have tried buying flushable wipes for her but no effects my husband this morning made her hand wash her pants in the sink as he’s just absolutely had enough (he does the laundry).

I have to physically stand there and watch her clean her teeth and shower because she will just stand there with the toothbrush in her mouth or under the water and won’t wash.

She just chucks things on the floor. Crisp packets, her tablet, the switch etc. The iPad has a crack on the screen where she’s just chucked it on the floor in her room and walked across it.

I’ve tried helping her do things, I’ve tried taking things away, I’ve tried shouting at her and punishing but nothing works.

she has no additional needs, is a very capable girl when it comes to things she WANTS to do.

I just don’t know what to do with her. Every day is a battle and it gotten to a point where I just don’t enjoy being around her atm.

Please help.

Hi op,

Can't help but I sympathise, my daughter is the same - leaves stuff where she sits, her room can be disgusting (dirty clothes and knickers, sharpies, needle and thread and scissors in her bed). I can spend a full day cleaning her room, I know I shouldn't but I keep thinking she will get better. It does feel like a constant battle, I just try and stay calm and tell her over and over. Washing her hands after using the toilet and brushing her teeth are other issues, she will actually pretend to wash her hands by turning on the tap but not doing it, regularly pretends to brush her teeth. It also plays out in school and hobbies, I'm never certain whether it is lack of ability or effort but I have been pretty certain it is lack of effort and this has been confirmed by a few teachers now.
I feel bad because I am lazy so I expect she got it from me and I feel like if I had done more activities etc them she wouldn't be like this. Having said that my slightly younger DS isn't like this (not perfect by any means and still needs to be reminded on lots of things but there is no comparison).
Anyway not very helpful for you I know but if you do come across a solution I'd love to hear it!!
Oh and my DD is not ND, I don't know why MN is so obsessed with diagnosing any child who has a slight issue. Adults can be lazy and so can kids, it's not that difficult to understand!

That is emotional abuse and neglect.

I wet the bed until I was 10. My parents didn't fuss over it in terms of checking as soon as I woke up, but I know my mum did check once I was up. I was never ever made to sleep in the same sheets a second night. What happened in the end is I got fed up with my mum having to bring a spare sheet for a sleepover at friends - I felt embarrassed. One night I went to bed and said I'm not going to wet the bed now I am aged 10. I think I'd read something in a girls magazine that said if you want to remember something then when you go to sleep a night you say it and tap your chin on your chest three times. I did that and never wet the bed again.

I do make her do it every single time. The only time she does it herself without asking is if she has something lined up that I might threaten to take away (a sleepover, outing with friends, one of her clubs etc)

She's not refusing and you are giving her reminders and she is doing them. Move gradually away from reminders and towards visual cues and reinforcing habit stacking - when you do this that happens. Explaining the day before is good - memories get laid down overnight while you sleep and especially during the early hours of morning sleep. If she is nearing puberty she may be needing more sleep.

She could also create her own chore chart and decide on a reward if she does it all for a period of time.

My parents used to say exactly the same about me. Turns out I'm dyspraxic.

Fortunately I had some inheritance and was able to pay to be assessed privately (around £1000 at the time) and was able to get referred back to the NHS. I didn’t end up on medication or anything but it has really helped me understand how my own brain works! I’ve read any books and listened to any podcast I can get my hands on about women and ADHD and my life is a lot less chaotic now I have coping mechanisms. It also led to a career change and I’m now a very happy hairdresser.

Fair enough- that is a lot of money. In my area, these assessments are available on the NHS via GP or school referral (long waiting lists though). I didn’t realise these were only available privately elsewhere.

Do you favour your younger child by any chance ? Why on earth would your DH humiliate your 10 yo DD by standing over her, making her wash her soiled pants?? And maybe stop labelling her as lazy. She probably has very low self esteem as a result of how you treat her. Watching her every move - very grim watching her go to the toilet to see if she wipes.

Simple strategies will deal with a lot of issues - no bringing food to bedrooms, walk her to any mess to tidy it up. Gadgets left on the floor - they are put up and she can’t have them for two days. No more sweets until she starts brushing her. If she soils her pants - she rinses them out in private, without being humiliated over it. Or show her how to use the washing machine and going forward, she’s responsible for laundering her own underwear.

I sympathise OP. My 10 year old has started her periods & the laziness makes it really difficult.

I think she dismisses anything her parents tell her so disregards 'if you don't brush your teeth properly, you'll need fillings & have bad teeth'. It hasn't happened to her yet so she doesn't believe it will. Also someone else will pick that stuff up eventually & she doesn't really care. I'd go to a daily checklist before allowing iPad etc maybe twice a day, just like for a toddler.

She is capable of wiping herself so I don't think it's humiliating showing her how to clean her soiled underwear. Bloody items are taking up a lot of my time now but my dd has no control over that. There's only so many hours in a day & as long as you're loving her & explaining why things need done then I don't think you're being abusive!

Shaming your daughter like your DH did is absolutely disgusting. Shame on HIM.

I think cleaning the underwear herself can be done in a non shaming way can't it? I'm genuinely curious.

Like as a natural consequences thing...not as a punishment.

Not being able to wipe properly plus teeth cleaning problems do suggest she struggles with tasks that I could benefit from OT assessment.

Do you shout at her and use the word lazy?
That's emotional abuse.
Just because she's a kid doesn't mean shouting is okay.

Well there's something wrong.

She wiped herself ok until 6 months ago.

Now she's regressing to a more childlike state.
Sometimes that's a cry for help.

Something is going on to make her not give a shit about herself.

Does your DH make you wash you blood stained pants in the sink?
How would that feel do you think?

Its NOT Normal 10 yr old behavior.

Why not? OP has clearly stated that her DD does one wipe, doesn’t check, and pulls her pants up. She’s being lazy!! I’d make mine wash their pants if it was a regular problem and they’d been spoken to. She’s 10, not 4.

Your DD sounds like me at that age and I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD.

Hormones make ADHD worse!

But you don’t seem keen to hear it, it appears you just want to moan about how terrible she is 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you're both being very hard on her.

What are your interactions with your daughter like on an average day? What are the conversations that you are having? It sounds like you are moaning all the time. Think what that must be like for her and for you.

Can you move towards her doing her own laundry if it's a problem? Make her responsible for gathering, washing and drying her own clothes as one of her chores. It's never too early to learn how to use a washing- machine.

Watching this thread with interest.

I do think some people are just really lazy with personal hygiene. My FIL is just as bad. Would rather stand by the sink and run the tap then pretend he's washed his hands than just washing them. CONSTANTLY ill with stomach bugs.

I'd nip in the bud. And fast.

She needs to learn to look after herself, ND or not. And 10 is old enough. My DS is similar and it wears me out, we still have many problems but I've managed to address some, he is older now but I'm thinking back to when he was 10. Natural consequence is the only way. I stopped picking up clothes and only washed what was in the laundry basket. This inevitably lead to him being caught out and being upset wearing something dirty and smelly. I warned him many times so he understood the new system, I wasn't trying to catch him out. Structured chores at set time are easier for him. Setting a timer and spending 5 mins picking up all your stuff works better than not dropping them in the first place, makes no sense to me but does to him. I often insist on this if he wants a lift somewhere, everything needs to be picked up before we leave. There were times at 13/14 he refused to clean his room so we ignored it, months went by until he wanted to have friends over and we said no it was too dirty. The child who couldn't do it suddenly did it in the next hour.

My DS needs guidance on now to approach things, he has ADHD so often needs instructions really broken down. Sometimes we found a written step by step instruction helped to get the order of things right. Maybe OP a checklist system breaking things down, something she can cross off when done? Timers for teeth. A specific number if wipes etc.

I'm still struggling with DS in some areas i admit. Currently he is sleeping with no sheets on the bed as he is refusing to put clean ones on as he says he will do it later. Last time this went on for weeks until pillows, duvet and protector all had to be brought to a big laundry place and DS had to contribute some pocket money towards it and sit and wait with DH for ages, he was so bored he said he would never let it happen again. I'll gently remind him tonight about what happened last time and pray he does it, i don't want a repeat but I'll be damned if do it for him.

In relation to teeth specifically, I would give the dentist or hygienist a heads up about her issues. A bit of a bollocking from a medical professional usually is a good wake up call!

This. That post is utterly vile.

Particularly as what the op is describing is clearly a child with additional needs.

The making her hand wash dirty pants and ‘see how disgusting they are’ is humiliating and abusive, too.

I actually hope this isn’t real, as it’s so horrible.

I was this kid my whole life. I'm still this adult. I'm not lazy. I have a bachelors degree, a masters and a PhD. Didn't struggle at all as I hyper focused on study. Can I keep my house clean? Fuck no. I find it impossible. I'm so manic and need to use an app. It's not laziness, it's executive dysfunction. It's very real abs debilitating. You should see my car when I'm on my period! Don't label her as lazy too soon. I didn't get a diagnosis until I was 32.

I don’t think so. Do you think you’d ever NOT find it humiliating if you were on the receiving end?

Undiagnosed ADHD exacerbated by hormones.

She sounds depressed. 10 year olds don’t just suddenly decide they’re too lazy to wipe themselves, there’s something going on with her. Maybe she’s being bullied. Does she have a good circle of friends?