Help me with my lazy 10 year old please

[Himitsu]

Hi I really need some help.

My 10 year daughter is incredibly lazy and nothing I have tried so far has had much effect on her. My husband thinks I’m being too soft on her so maybe I do need to be harsher but want some other mums opinions.

some examples of her behaviours:

She leaves dirty plates and cups everywhere. Even my 2 year old knows to put his dirty plate in the dishwasher when he’s finished yet she will finish eating then just get up and leave.

She doesn’t wipe herself properly. We have tried buying flushable wipes for her but no effects my husband this morning made her hand wash her pants in the sink as he’s just absolutely had enough (he does the laundry).

I have to physically stand there and watch her clean her teeth and shower because she will just stand there with the toothbrush in her mouth or under the water and won’t wash.

She just chucks things on the floor. Crisp packets, her tablet, the switch etc. The iPad has a crack on the screen where she’s just chucked it on the floor in her room and walked across it.

I’ve tried helping her do things, I’ve tried taking things away, I’ve tried shouting at her and punishing but nothing works.

she has no additional needs, is a very capable girl when it comes to things she WANTS to do.

I just don’t know what to do with her. Every day is a battle and it gotten to a point where I just don’t enjoy being around her atm.

Please help.

When she leaves dirty dishes lying around or rubbish on the floor, pull her away from whatever she's doing and have her put it where it should be. Every single time, no exceptions. And keep on with that hand-washing knickers. If that doesn't do it, it's iPad or Switch taken away for the rest of the day.

I do make her do it every single time. The only time she does it herself without asking is if she has something lined up that I might threaten to take away (a sleepover, outing with friends, one of her clubs etc)

I have a 10 year old (a boy rather than a girl) and would strongly suggest she either has some undiagnosed additional needs, or something has happened at the point her behaviour changed (you say she was fine wiping until 6 months ago so I assume this was when things changed?).

If school have no concerns, she could be masking?

Alternatively, whatever it is that happened to make her behaviour change, happened at home/within the wider family/outside of school.

I really think you need to look beyond simply 'she is lazy'.

Is DH her dad? Only ask because you have a 2 year old which is quite a big gap.

Any changes around 6 months ago? House move, family bereavement etc?

Is she concerned about going into the final year of primary/moving up to secondary?

I would make a GP appointment and discuss this with them, but also really think if there is anything at home that could have affected her.

Is there another relative she trusts who you could ask to talk to her? An aunt/grandma?

A mental health nurse calling a 10 year old who clearly struggles with executive functioning lazy is quite concerning.

She is not struggling with her executive functioning. I don’t know why I bothered posting.

What makes you so sure she DOES "struggle with executive functioning"? Is there no such thing as simple disobedience any more?

@Himitsu I think whatever you and DH are doing to address this isn’t working. Lots of PPs have kindly suggested getting her assessed again as her behaviour has changed since her last assessment.

yes you’re a mental health nurse but there is a reason health care professionals aren’t allowed to treat their relatives - judgment is clouded- I mean that kindly.

what do you have to lose by getting her re-assessed? What is the downside?

I possibly think this sounds hormonal rather than an additional need as such.

Has she started her periods. Hormonal fluctuations and changes can be overwhelming.

I don't think you or your OH are being cruel at all. It sounds incredibly frustrating.

Can it be some strange way that she has learned these things get a reaction from the adults in her life? Some sort of way she gets extra attention?
Have you sat down and had a long and serious discussion with her? Like explicitly asking her why she is behaving like this and push for an answer?

I thought this - sounds like a complicated and upsetting situation for both OP and child. But also if OP has a little one, perhaps she’s been running around after the 2yr old a bit more (that age after all!) and the 10yr old has clocked that if she doesn’t brush teeth / do dishes etc then mum and dad will pay attention to her. We can’t know of course.

Yeah whenever I ask her why she just shrugs her shoulders. I just want to get the hygiene sorted before she starts her periods as they think they are ok the horizon (judging by her attitude lately!)

Yeah. I'm not suggesting at all that she's not getting the right level of attention - but simply that she's learned how to get more.

Getting babied again when it's her siblings time to be babied.

I think if taking things off/punishing hasn't worked, I'd have a rethink about what they care about to take away or reward as a motivator.

My friends child suddenly started to regress in some of these ways. Not the same for every child, but when staff at school etc stopped wiping them, they started wiping properly.

She is definitely more hormonal which I sympathetic to. I struggle with hormonal imbalance myself but to me it’s not an excuse to let her standards slip. I’m trying to drill this in to her now before it’s too late.

You mentioned she hasn't always been like this and she has a young sibling. I'm presuming she is jealous of the sibling and reverting back to younger childish behaviour.

I've got two boys of a similar age and hormones are definitely a thing at this age. I've also had both of mine pushing a lot of boundaries, wanting a lot more freedoms etc. But my eldest is off to high school in September and I've also seen him almost revert to childish behaviour again. Like he is trying to cling onto his childhood for as long as he can. Because high school and being a teenager is bloody scary I've seen it less with my kids cos they are boys, but from what I've seen and heard from the school, girls around this age are a social nightmare. The friendship dynamics really shift and there have been big fall outs.

You've mentioned lots of what you have done, but have you actually sat her down and asked her why she's acting like this? Asked her how she's feeling with things in life generally?

I personally wouldn't take shrugged shoulders for an answer.

name me and your dad would like to have a chat with you in the living room after dinner. There's a few things that as a family we need to speak about, we want to know how we can support you, and we will make a plan for how changes are going to happen (or the like)

Then, there would be no leaving the living room until she has openly spoken to you and answered your questions and participated in a solution.

You've described her struggling with executive functioning. It's literally what you outlined in your first post.

I don't know whether or not your DD has additional needs but I do know many, many teenage girls and the ones such as you describe your DD as being are the most likely to stop functioning completely at secondary. Many refuse school or have burnout. It might be worth looking again at an assessment of needs for her.

Sorry to derail, but this is exactly what happened to me. How did you go about getting a diagnosis?

Please don't do this. It's abuse

This

My dad was shocked by my ADHD diagnosis in my mid 30’s. My mum less so because I’ve talked it all through with her etc. for my dad, it made no sense.

I’d be interested to know why you felt the need to get her assessed is you’re so adamant there’s no additional needs there.

I can see why you’re frustrated but making her scrub her pants in a sink like that is downright abusive. I have that issue a bit as a full grown adult and it’s not through lack of wiping properly, I’ve asked the drs about it in the past and it is what it is. I know you’re saying in her case she ISN’T wiping properly but know that you can have that issue even with all the effort to prevent it.

it sounds like pre teen hormones/laziness, ADHD/ASD or that something has started in her personal life and this is how she’s trying to deal with it. Getting her to scrub shit stains off her pants in a sink really really isn’t the answer, regardless.

You say she has no additional needs, so can I ask what led you to have her assessed?

I am nearly in tears reading that you made her clean her pants. 😢 that's horrific. your poor daughter. People have given good advice here I suggest you take a step back and re read what people have suggested here to do.

Apart from £2-4k? They also might not be able to get an assessment even privately without the co-operation of school unless they have someone else like a tutor or club leader who knows her well who can complete the questionnaires on behaviour.

My dd is dyspraxic and struggles with personal hygiene. Not suggesting your dd is but I'm on her case to brush teeth, shower or else she wouldn't at all.
I don't think cleaning her knicker stains will help, have you spoken to her? Not shouted at her but actually had a chat? Is she finding personal hygiene difficult?
Me and dd looked at some products together, new face cloths, nice bath robe etc.
Had a chat about how important being clean is. Set some reminders on her phone reminding her to shower. Got a timer for doing her teeth set for 2 minutes so she can keep track.
It's hard work, monotonous but it's definitely helped

Possibly in part she's feeling depressed due to hormones? I still remember suffering really badly at around that age and I'm 40 now. Just getting through each day could feel like a big pointless struggle at times. Do you try to set aside regular times to check in with her and try to understand how she's feeling?

Putting on some music she likes whilst in the car and asking a few open questions could encourage her to talk more freely. I do think you're right to point out the consequences of her actions, like explaining and showing pictures of what happens if you don't take care of your teeth etc. I would follow it up with asking why she finds it difficult and asking if there's some way you can help.