She wants to go on holiday?

[Doglover321]

Hi everyone,

I am 27 and have moved back in with my mum after a breakup. My dog also lives with us. She wants to go away for the week on 23rd September to Devon and stay in an AirBnB. However, I already have plans for this date and week. 23rd Sept is the 1 year anniversary of my thriving Meetup group and we are all going to the pub. Tables have been reserved and members have made a voluntary donation towards the upkeep of the group. I then have other stuff planned for the rest of the week. All these events were arranged before she said she wanted to go away, however she wants me to cancel them and join her. I feel bad because she doesn’t have family, friends or anyone else she could go with, but at the same time I really don’t want to cancel my plans and mess people around. She is very angry despite these events being arranged before she asked me and her not having parted with any money yet. She keeps saying I should be bending over backwards for her because she only got the all clear from breast cancer a year ago and has let me move back in with her after my breakup, and that most daughters would even offer to pay for the whole thing. TIA for any opinions/advice

YANBU. She sees you all the time, why does she need to see you on holiday as well? You have made a commitment already, and should honour it. If your mother is so desperate to go on holiday, why can't she go on her own? She's just trying to emotionally blackmail you, so I hope you'll stay strong.

Thank you. It’s difficult because she is doesn’t have a network of her own and is quite reliant on me, so I do feel bad, but I can tell that she is only trying to be manipulative by this point x

Why does she insist it has to be that week? Can’t you go away with her on different dates?

Apparently she’s booked annual leave for that week and the week before, but is insistent on the week beginning 23rd Sept for some reason

Tell her which alternative week you would like to go. Or leaving the day after your meet up, or getting back just in time.

I think you (and your dog) need to find somewhere else to live. This isn't going to improve for any of you.

So, did she know you already had plans for that time before she booked? Did you consult?

I'd go, she's supported you so why not support her?

Ooh it's the meet-up group birthday present OP!

Can she go on a group holiday or holiday for singles if she doesn't want to go by herself? Just stand your ground about the dates and as other pp have said, start looking for somewhere else to live.

She booked her annual leave before consulting/asking whether I would like to go away, by which point I had already made plans. I guess she just expected me to be free so far in advance

Fair enough!

Sounds like she has unrealistic expectations of you.
I'd just tell her you can go the week before but you won't be changing already established plans.

I'd also be putting as much money away to move out ASAP, she sounds awful.

Not surprised she doesn't have any friends if she behaves like that. You've already booked your events, it's ridiculous and manipulative of her to expect you to cancel all your stuff to accommodate plans she hasn't even formalised yet. Why didn't she check with you before she booked her annual leave? As others have said, I'd look for somewhere else to live.

Oh, on re-reading I see she did know about your plans so given that knowledge she is being totally unreasonable. I really don't know how there would be any reason why she would do that, it doesn't make any sense, other than to be cruel. And no, health scares, etc..are not a good reason.

Ah, I see. Well, she should have asked you beforehand and not just presumed. It's her fault for not doing this and a reasonable person would own up to this and graciously accept you have other plans.

If this is going to work (and its not) she needs to accept that there are some ground rules. Sh cant keep throwing her charity in your face.

Just to put things in perspective, one of the very few friends she did have, an ex boss, stopped talking to her. I suggested my mum ask her why. My mum’s response was: ‘no, there’s no valid reason, I only got over breast cancer a year ago, I can’t do anything wrong as a cancer patient, she should have supported me’

She went through a phase of habitually lying and gaslighting, so much so that I received messages from the rest of the family after her diagnosis asking if the diagnosis is genuine.

No it's not

She should have checked before booking her leave

Ah, she sounds, possibly, quite selfish and maybe using her diagnosis to manipulate people, you included.

Don't cancel your time away. It's not your fault your mother didn't check in with you about dates.

Oh yes, definitely. She took out a credit card in my name a few months before her diagnosis and then refused to pay me back because of her diagnosis, saying I should just let it go because she has cancer. She had no intention of paying me back because I later found out that she was eligible to borrow the money in her own name and owed other family members thousands too.
Thank you xx

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.
If a person wants someone to join them on holiday the sensible / reasonable thing to do is to ask them for their available dates. Clearly she didn’t do this and is expecting you to drop everything. It’s one thing to express gratitude that you’re living with here, another to have to jump through hoops and let down other people.

This. She can’t offer you a place to stay and then use it to manipulate you. And same goes for the cancer, although sad and frightening for her, it’s not ok to use it to guilt you.

Why are you living with her? You clearly don't like her and with good reason! You're young, find a flat share to live in.