Sleepovers and things going missing, AIBU to be annoyed at this?

[Wanderinstar80]

My DD age 11 has had several sleepovers at her best friends house. I think pretty much every time she comes back there are usually a couple of things missing and I'm getting a bit fed up of it.

A lot of the time it's an item of clothing or cables for her to charge her tablet (they use different chargers to us), I wouldn't mind so much if these things eventually came back but they never do. So far, we've lost about 10 items in their house and when I ask about it, I get told they've looked but can't find them. I now say to DD that her tablet has to be fully charged as she's not taking any more cables.

We can afford to replace but I sometimes feel anxious when things go missing, likely because I grew up in poverty and we had hardly anything so if something went walkabout, it wouldn't get replaced.
AIBu to be annoyed at this?

Are you implying that the best friend's family are deliberately stealing charging cables? Does that seems likely?

Probably they are just busy and can't be arsed digging around in a child's messy bedroom to work out which of dozens of cables might belong to your daughter

Surely the issue is with your DD - she needs to pack her stuff and check she has everything when she comes home

So don't replace it. If your daughter has lost 10 charging cords than she clearly isn't too phased about her belongings.

No I'm not implying this, the cables aren't of use to them as they use Apple products in their home and we don't.

I say to DD to make sure she has everything but I always get told at the door when I collect her that she couldn't find x, y or z, mum says she will look for them but always get told later that they can't find them.

Have sleepovers at yours instead

This would drive me crackers. I would only allow very limited stuff to go there. When I pick up I wouldn't leave until we had everything.

@NetflixAndKill sleepovers at mine aren't possible atm unfortunately.

@HateThese4Leggedbeasts agree about the limited stuff, DD usually tries to pack a big bag of stuff so I'm trying to teach her to be more frugal with her packing!

They've hosted numerous sleepovers, you've hosted none, sorry but yabu.

YANBU Agree this is on your daughter, but I don't think that changes anything. Being annoyed by it is normal and limiting what she takes is a very reasonable response.

My kids are much younger but I don't understand why she needs a tablet on a sleepover? Is that the norm? Aren't they watching a film and eating popcorn rather than going on screens individually?

Label the cable. If she loses it, she buys another or does chores to save up and buy it. She needs to take responsibility for her own things.

It depends who you are annoyed at.

YANBU to be annoyed at your DD, she's old enough to take care of her stuff and is being very careless. Stop replacing stuff.

YABU to be annoyed with this other family. They're being very generous hosting your daughter multiple times when you can't return the favour. It's not on them to then spend time looking for stuff your daughter couldn't be arsed to keep track of.

Dds friend has anxiety issues and doesn't like being away from her parents

Again, see above re the reciprocating situation

yeah I was wondering this as well, sleepovers were always a social thing, eating, watching a film, staying awake late and chatting, maybe I’m just getting old and out of touch 😂

They still don't have to have your daughter overnight though just because theirs doesn't want to come to you. You're still taking them up on a generous offer.

Tracy your daughter to value her belongings.

I am doing that of course, but their 'generosity' doesn't mean I should be happy with things going missing

Dd's friends anxiety has no bearing on who you should direct your annoyance at.

It's your Dd's fault. Be annoyed at her or don't be annoyed at all.

I wouldn't be replacing the items. It might make your daughter look after her things a bit more if she is inconvenienced. At the moment it sounds like things get lost and you replace them so she has no incentive to look after her things.

Once my children got to age 10 or 11 I refused to take responsibility for their friend’s belongings. My youngest is 13 now. If his friends leave something behind they have to sort it directly with him. And are welcome to come back and look for it. It would drive me potty if someone was staying over so often and leaving stuff behind every time and expecting me to look for it.

So I'd tell her it's her job to bring things back. If need be, she makes a checklist of things to cross off as she packs up to come home. Or she thinks through the place where she charges tablet and always checks for cable there.

But really, it would be easier if she didn't take the tablet!

Your daughter is 11 not 2. It’s her responsibility to come back with all her stuff.

YABU

I agree, it's up to you daughter to look after her stuff.
She's careless because items get replaced quickly without having an impact on her.

Time to change that. Charger not coming back from sleepover? Sorry honey, but I haven't had time yet to order a new one.... or oh, it will be delivered next week... you just have to be without your tablet for a few days....
You'll be surprised how quickly they learn to look after their stuff!

YABU to send her with a tablet.

It's your dd who is losing the stuff. It's not their fault. You'll have to either send your dd back to the room to look for stuff or help her look before you leave. You could give her a list of stuff she must bring back.

To PPs saying I shouldn't replace these items, I haven't replaced any of them. I said I could afford to, not that I actually have.

@AlpiniPraline the last couple of times DD has been there, I did send her back to check but the missing things were nowhere to be found. Either that or the mum says she will look instead but then she can't find them either.

If it keeps happening I don't know if I should just scale back on accepting invites. I have asked if DD friend wants to stay but I've been told no because of her anxiety