Sleepovers and things going missing, AIBU to be annoyed at this?

[Wanderinstar80]

My DD age 11 has had several sleepovers at her best friends house. I think pretty much every time she comes back there are usually a couple of things missing and I'm getting a bit fed up of it.

A lot of the time it's an item of clothing or cables for her to charge her tablet (they use different chargers to us), I wouldn't mind so much if these things eventually came back but they never do. So far, we've lost about 10 items in their house and when I ask about it, I get told they've looked but can't find them. I now say to DD that her tablet has to be fully charged as she's not taking any more cables.

We can afford to replace but I sometimes feel anxious when things go missing, likely because I grew up in poverty and we had hardly anything so if something went walkabout, it wouldn't get replaced.
AIBu to be annoyed at this?

I would make her pay to replace them from her pocket money.

I don’t think it’s that odd to take a tablet - when I was her age we took games consoles to play together so I assume similar here.

What does DD say about how these things are getting lost? Is it that the friend’s room is a huge mess and they end up being swallowed by a pile? Does she lose stuff elsewhere as well eg at school?

Are you implying that the other child (or someone else in the house) is taking these things? Is that the issue?

But your DD knows it doesn't matter if she loses things as you just replace the item and let her go on another sleepover. If she had to go without the item for a period of time and it became an inconvenience or she felt she was missing out by going on sleepovers, then these things might matter to her.
In the meantime, help her get more organised by teaching her to tidy up as she goes along and giving her a list of all of the things she has taken on the sleepover so she can check them off before she leaves

@SanMarzano she says she looks for the things but can't find them, not sure what her friends room is like as I've never seen it. She leaves the occasional thing in school but always finds them.

@NuffSaidSam no I'm not implying this, I'm just getting fed up of it all.

But what do you think is happening then?

Why is your DD losing so much stuff at this house? Why can't it be found? Why are you so keen to blame the other family and not your DD?

@thehousewiththesagegreensofa I haven't needed to replace anything yet, we still have a few cables at home and the other things are clothes AFAIK

Actually sorry there is one thing I replaced, which was her toothbrush so an essential item. DDs friend then told me a couple of weeks later that her mum had thrown the toothbrush out when she came across it.

Communication is your friend here. You just tell the parent exactly what you said here, that every time DD stays over things always go missing and can never be found. They must be somewhere, your DDs bedroom can't be that big. Job done. But of course that's far too easy...

Where did I specifically say I'm blaming the other family? My AIBU is whether I'm BU to be annoyed about the whole thing, regardless of who is to 'blame'

Well, then you have you answer. No, YANBU to be annoyed with your eleven year old DD who is being careless with her things.

Thank you! I just didn't know if was BU to hate this happening, I wasn't sure if people who have grown up getting all their material needs met (which i didnt for much of my childhood) might not understand my anxiety and think I'm being silly.

To be reasonable I think I would get some large neon sticky labels to put on the items thus making it easier to find. I think like some pp s have said the hosts prob can't be arsed to go rooting round. The labels would make it easier, and make the labels big and obvious. Other than that I can't see what else you can do other than maybe give your daughter some kind of itinerary/ checklist that she can physically check off before she leaves maybe?

Give her a list or take photos of what she's taking to remind her? Or limit what she packs. She can't need that much for one night.

Sounds like your dd is forgetful or disorganised and needs some support in making sure she brings everything home again.

Does she get pocket money? If so use that to buy replacements.

Bigger picture though - what matters more to you? That your dd has a good friend she goes for sleepovers with or that she doesn't lose things?

Definitely think your DD needs to be a bit more careful. How are things she should be keeping safe just vanishing?

I would be annoyed too. But not at the hosts. For some reason your DD is struggling to take responsibility for her own possessions.

So I would sit down her and devise a strategy to help her look after her own belongings when she stays there. I wouldn't be limiting the sleepovers unless you have other reasons for doing that.

I would start with limiting the stuff that is taken in the first place - what does your DD really need?
When she is there, she takes something out of her bag, then when she's finished she puts it back in her bag. If charging her device, put the charger back in the bag when she unplugs the device. She brushes her teeth and puts her toothbrush back in the bag. She gets dressed in the morning and puts her pjs back in the bag. Etc Etc

My DC are all older now and we have had many sleepovers, at 11 there is no way I would be spending much of my time looking for things left behind, if they turned up I would pass them back but otherwise I would expect them to take care of their own stuff.

If she’s aware when leaving that she hasn’t got stuff can you go in with her and help look for it instead of sending her back to look alone?

@SanMarzano I could try that, would feel a bit weird asking as I've never even been invited over the threshold of their door yet.
@Ahhhmarsbar a list might be a good idea, when we went on holiday a couple of weeks ago I made up a checklist when I was packing and DD showed an interest in helping with the list.

Give limited items to your DD to take with her. Until she learns to pack her stuff as she took it and brings all her belongings back, she doesn't get to take anything extra.

Send minimal stuff. Charge ipads etc before going so they don't get lost. Send her with pj's, clean underwear and a toothbrush.

Send your DD with a list of everything she has packed and maybe even photo it. It’s a good habit to get into anyway.

this is quite strange tho, surely clothing items would turn up in their wash and then be returned….

you are no being unreasonable

I think you need to have a chat with your daughter about looking after things. My mum used to get exasperated with me for being so careless, I didn’t necessarily do it on purpose, I just wasn’t as careful as I should be (probably down to laziness). My husband does a triple check everywhere we stay in case we have left something - I’ve learnt to be more like that!

I'd be annoyed at her for not keeping track of her own things.

It’s enough to have to do this for your own child when they are preschool or infant age but not for a secondary school aged friend of your child.

Does your daughter tend to lose things? Maybe she needs to do something practical such as writing a check list of everything that is packed so she can tick it all off to make sure it is repacked.

Maybe a checklist of what to pack, not what she has packed but to stop her overpacking. 11 seems late, but mine were in cubs and packing with supervision, then independently for scouts. Then she needs to learn to put things back in her bag and not leave them around someone else's house.