Sleepovers and things going missing, AIBU to be annoyed at this?

[Wanderinstar80]

My DD age 11 has had several sleepovers at her best friends house. I think pretty much every time she comes back there are usually a couple of things missing and I'm getting a bit fed up of it.

A lot of the time it's an item of clothing or cables for her to charge her tablet (they use different chargers to us), I wouldn't mind so much if these things eventually came back but they never do. So far, we've lost about 10 items in their house and when I ask about it, I get told they've looked but can't find them. I now say to DD that her tablet has to be fully charged as she's not taking any more cables.

We can afford to replace but I sometimes feel anxious when things go missing, likely because I grew up in poverty and we had hardly anything so if something went walkabout, it wouldn't get replaced.
AIBu to be annoyed at this?

But the missing things are entirely your daughter's fault.

I absolutely don't think you are unreasonable for being upset by the continuous loss of items but from the way you write about it, you do not appear to centre the accountability with your child.

She would not be having sleepovers if this problem kept reoccurring - I would simply invoke the law of natural consequences. You've been X times and lost items each time, you are therefore not ready to manage a sleep over. Its your responsibility to look after your stuff not anyone else's. You can go for a play date and return to the same day, taking no belongings. Once you can prove you can take responsibility for your belonging's then we can revisit the sleep overs. Simple. IF the sleep overs mean that much to her AND she has the ability to organise herself - she will find ways to track things in other environments.

Out of interest, who tracks her belongings at home? How often do missing items get located by your daughter or by you? Who tidies and organizes in your home is it your daughter or someone else?

Not sure why you're more irritated by the mum not looking after your daughter's belongings than your daughter. I support your message that if something goes missing because your daughter hasn't looked after it then you won't just replace it but you need to focus your frustration on the right person and help your daughter stop her carelessness. A list, lots of praise for bringing everything back etc. BTW I'd have definitely chucked out an old random toothbrush too.

You’d hate my house. I have a pile of clothes I have no idea who they belong to. I have 3 DDs and different children here every week, I get so much stuff left. I’m not running round picking up after other peoples kids, I don’t after my own. Stuff ends up in a wash basket when my DDs clean up, if i wash it and discover it dosnt belong to us I put it in a separate pile. Things like cables I would not have a clue, that’s DHs job. The house is full of them and we have changing stations throughout the house. If a child’s old enough to have a device then they are old enough to look after their cables. But most people don’t need their own here as DH always has a selection.

i had a bunch of kids here a few weeks ago, they all went home with no socks. There was no way I was searching the house and garden for 4 pairs of school socks. I found 2 pairs in the wash that didn’t match my kids, I sent a message out, no one cared about them so they got binned.

Make your daughter responsible for her own possessions. Limit what she takes to an absolute minimum and keep a list in the bag so she knows what she needs to bring back. If items are missing, she will have to replace with pocket money/chores. If this doesn't improve I would say no more sleepovers for the foreseeable future until she's mature enough to be responsible with her things.

Limit belongings that go, send her with a list, impose a sanction if she forgets to bring something home.

Out of interest, what age would you say it's expected that kids should organise themselves this way in terms of sleepovers?

Well for a cub or scout camp mine did so supervised from 7, independently from 10. That was with a checklist. A one night sleepover with much less needed, 8?

This

DD is 12

I can confirm that tablets are the norm at sleepovers. They play Roblox together on them and it's very cute.

This is in no way the other parents fault. Your daughter is old enough to be able to take stuff and bring it back. What I don't get is why it can't be found. Where the hell is DD putting it? But you can't really blame anyone but your DD. Sorry.

11 is a reasonable age to expect her to manage this. Mine did and honestly she is the clumsiest, most unaware of surroundings kid I have ever seen.

What age did was your DD reliably managing this?

She's never really not been. There has definitely been a charger wire left but I don't think more than once.

I'd say from 10. Definitely 11. I did used to text her saying don't forget your charger and tooth brush at first.