To have just wanted to eat my dinner and have half an hour to myself

[haplessharpy]

Massive falling out with my partner last night and I'm not sure whether I was out of order or not.

He comes home from work around 7pm and I'm in the middle of dinner for the kids. It's been a long day and I'm running behind schedule. We have five children, one of whom is a toddler and one of whom is 4 weeks old. Our toddler is really playing up at the moment and being incredibly demanding of my time. I am certain that his new baby brother is making him feel usurped, so I'm doing my best to help him through the situation.

DP rants a bit about his day and an argument he had at work. I listen whilst pottering around fetching drinks for kids and cutting up food etc. He finally asks me how my day was and I comment that it was stressful and that I haven't eaten anything yet today. He offers to make us something whilst I bath the youngest two.

Half an hour later I come downstairs and the older three are still milling around the kitchen. He's chopping lettuce and tomatoes and chatting to the kids. I poke my head round the door and say that I'm just going to water the garden quick and I'll be ready to eat. DP says 'can you do that later?' Erm....yes. But why? You're still preparing food. I'll be done by the time you're plating up. Anyway, he insists I sit down and observe him cooking. So I do, feeling slightly pissed off that I could be doing my last job of the day but now I'm waiting and doing nothing.

Anyway. He must have noticed that I was a bit annoyed at being told what to do because he then points at the huge pile of books in the middle of the table and says 'you should read those while you wait'.

The books are my primary school children's and they were brought home for me to sit down and look through to see what they've been up to all year and how they're progressing. I had previously told the kids I'd be sitting down on Sunday morning with a coffee before anyone else gets up to have a look at their work. They seemed happy enough with this, but now they're over my shoulder wanting me to read their books right this second. I tell DP that I've already said I'll do this in the morning but he's adamant I should look now. So I got up and took the pile of books to the garden where I sat down with one of his beers and read through the kids work. They came with me, excited to show me what they'd learned and wanting me to read their creative writing and look at their maths. I'm pissed off and hungry, but I ooooh and ahhhh in all the right places and after about 45 mins the kids get tired anyway and go off to bed.

Back in the kitchen, he's got a face like thunder and my food has a fly buzzing around it. He's eaten his.

Now we've fallen out. Apparently I'm the one in the wrong but I was just so worn out and wanted to eat and relax for half an hour before bed.

“It was ten minutes from being ready, which is how long it would take me to water the garden.”

It sounds like it all could of been avoided, I started reading it thinking he’d just come in himself at 7pm from work you’ve said you’ve had a stressful day so he offers to take over the cooking to try ease the load of what you're doing. When you mentioned watering the plants instead of saying yes to doing it later you could of said I’ll be 5 mins and just watered them and as for the looking at books why not say I’ve planned to look at them Sunday or if you didn’t want to disappoint the kids look at them for 10 mins then tell the kids mummy is going to have tea now but we’ll carry on later/sunday. All seems a load of fuss over nothing. I did read you said he is controlling which is why you probably don’t go against what he’s asking but if you don’t he will just carry on. You’ve got a new baby and young children so do what you want to make your life easier don’t be pushed into things because he suggests something

You weren’t being unreasonable in the slightest.

Why on earth have you had five kids with such a controlling man though? I’m not being snarky but unpacking what your motivation was (ie are you trying to redeem your own childhood?) might help you figure out why you’re letting him treat you like this… and THAT might help you figure out how to change things.

I think there are massive communication issues here. You just wanted to eat and wanted time to yourself but you didn't tell your dh this? You expected him to read your mind then got pissed off when he didn't . Be more explicit with what it is you want and need. When you said you were going to water the garden again you should have been more explicit, it's my last job of the day I just want to get it done. He was probably thinking why does she want to water the garden now when we can all hang out together, he hadn't been with you and the kids all day.

It just seems like there is no communication from you but then you get annoyed when he doesn't do what you want and suggests something different to what you want. You could have said I've already told the kids I'll look through them at the weekend but you chose not to. You chose everything you did that you are annoyed about.

What would have happened if you would have spoken up and told him what you needed? When you told him you hadn't eaten he made food, if you told him you just need 10mins alone would he have listened?

Take some control over your life. You don’t have to do what he says. It was really passive aggressive of you to go and sit in the garden with the books for so long. What stopped you from saying “I want to look at the books properly tomorrow.”?

He sounds like an arse, but I think you need to take some responsibility for what happened and ending up with cold/no tea.

You know that you’re replicating a traumatic childhood for your children?

He’s a wank

Why are you letting him boss you about? I’d definitely have watered the garden and definitely not have read the books- the fact that he’d commanded me to would have made me even less likely to do it!

Honestly, and this is not performative partnering, when he suggested I watched him cook us probably have laughed and said “not today thanks Nigella” and then gone to water the garden as planned. With the books I would have explained to the kids that I was too tired and hungry to do it then and would enjoy it much more the next day, but if dad wanted to look at them he could do it once he’d finished dinner.

I think you need to establish some stronger boundaries here.

Why doesn’t he mind his kids instead of belittling his oh

Hysterical ‘not today Nigella’

I have an ex who would insist I be present if he was doing any household task, and felt more like a kind of punishment than any desire to spend time together. I wonder if your DH is like that.

I hear you OP.

He decided to punish you because you kept saying no, or later. Your training to accept his emotional abuse needed stepping up so you wouldn't say no again. How dare you question or refuse him! Especially when he was "nice" to you.

He then muttered 'oh really...doesn't mind how spicy' so I thought he might sabotage my food anyway by making it too hot to enjoy.
No reasonable, normal person would deliberately sabotage another person's food. Only controlling, abusive people would. And only an abused person would meekly carry on accepting it. Think about this part honestly to yourself. I hear you because my stbx controls me through food too. It's very subtle with a lot of DARVO thrown in.

Get a different therapist just for yourself, one that understands emotional abuse. Then start a plan on how to escape. It might take you years but a long plan is better than no plan.

I expect that the more OP stands up for herself and makes time for herself, the more this will unravel and her husband will feel himself losing grip. I wonder if this is also about taking her time up .... op, is he jealous? Does he question you on where you've been, who you've spoken to etc?

One thing which could help OP is that often people like this thrive on debate (I.e hectoring their partner at length). You could just decide to selectively ignore him and do what you wanted to do anyway, just carry on watering the garden and then if he challenges you either just say you missed what he said or respond in faux surprise, “oh but didn’t you hear me say, the garden needed watering and I wanted to do that first.” Ditto the books- “oh kids, I told dad I was going to do it on Sunday so I think he must mean that he’ll look at the books later after he’s eaten- now I’m just heading to the garden to water the plants would you like to help, you can use the hose?”. This might give some short term relief.

And if he cooks something too spicy just say something (this is lovely but just a bit too spicy for me, and I quite fancy some toast- here you have mine) and get yourself a sandwich!! It’s your home too. Plus that’s such a pointless question, I know which of my family like spicy food and which don’t so I just cook appropriately and then leave some chilli salt or sauce on the table.

Could you also consider having your main meal at lunchtime (when you’re cooking just do a few extra portions and freeze) and just eating a sandwich or something smaller with the kids in the evening and suggesting he does the same, and if not he will have to sort himself when he gets home. Getting 5 kids including a baby to bed and trying to cook anything more ambitious than a baked potato at the same time sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. It won’t stop him being a dick but you might be more able to deal with his bossy nonsense if you’re not starving.

That stood out to me as well.

Ensuring your partner is constantly pregnant/caring for a baby/overwhelmed with caring responsibilities is a tried and true method of keeping them vulnerable and under your thumb.

If past experience has taught you that your partner would make your food inedible after looking after his kids all day and not eating, you need to (not should, need to) to divorce him.

I suspect you've done what so many women do who have unhappy childhoods. Get with a dreadful man (because your radar was broken for you) and have lots of children to create a big healthy family for yourself. But the dreadful man creates an unhappy family, you try desperately to save it. You can't.

Individual counselling with a really skilled woman, get your ducks in a row, look after your needs as well as the children's, rock solid contraception, eventually leave.

OP is breastfeeding a 4 week old and thought her husband is well capable of sabotaging her food to punish her.
If that isn't abusive I do not know what is.

Please talk to Women's aid.