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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have just wanted to eat my dinner and have half an hour to myself

66 replies

haplessharpy · 21/07/2024 13:24

Massive falling out with my partner last night and I'm not sure whether I was out of order or not.

He comes home from work around 7pm and I'm in the middle of dinner for the kids. It's been a long day and I'm running behind schedule. We have five children, one of whom is a toddler and one of whom is 4 weeks old. Our toddler is really playing up at the moment and being incredibly demanding of my time. I am certain that his new baby brother is making him feel usurped, so I'm doing my best to help him through the situation.

DP rants a bit about his day and an argument he had at work. I listen whilst pottering around fetching drinks for kids and cutting up food etc. He finally asks me how my day was and I comment that it was stressful and that I haven't eaten anything yet today. He offers to make us something whilst I bath the youngest two.

Half an hour later I come downstairs and the older three are still milling around the kitchen. He's chopping lettuce and tomatoes and chatting to the kids. I poke my head round the door and say that I'm just going to water the garden quick and I'll be ready to eat. DP says 'can you do that later?' Erm....yes. But why? You're still preparing food. I'll be done by the time you're plating up. Anyway, he insists I sit down and observe him cooking. So I do, feeling slightly pissed off that I could be doing my last job of the day but now I'm waiting and doing nothing.

Anyway. He must have noticed that I was a bit annoyed at being told what to do because he then points at the huge pile of books in the middle of the table and says 'you should read those while you wait'.

The books are my primary school children's and they were brought home for me to sit down and look through to see what they've been up to all year and how they're progressing. I had previously told the kids I'd be sitting down on Sunday morning with a coffee before anyone else gets up to have a look at their work. They seemed happy enough with this, but now they're over my shoulder wanting me to read their books right this second. I tell DP that I've already said I'll do this in the morning but he's adamant I should look now. So I got up and took the pile of books to the garden where I sat down with one of his beers and read through the kids work. They came with me, excited to show me what they'd learned and wanting me to read their creative writing and look at their maths. I'm pissed off and hungry, but I ooooh and ahhhh in all the right places and after about 45 mins the kids get tired anyway and go off to bed.

Back in the kitchen, he's got a face like thunder and my food has a fly buzzing around it. He's eaten his.

Now we've fallen out. Apparently I'm the one in the wrong but I was just so worn out and wanted to eat and relax for half an hour before bed.

OP posts:
ebadame · 21/07/2024 13:26

Has your DP always been a controlling arse?

Katemax82 · 21/07/2024 13:28

What a prick he is

44PumpLane · 21/07/2024 13:29

I'm so confused about what you're meant to have done wrong here and what you were being punished for?! You literally did what he asked (going through the kids work), the kids even came with you, so why didn't he tell you your food was ready?

Why was he so intent on you being in the same room as him, it clearly wasn't to chat to him, it clearly wasn't to mind the children, I'm so confused on your behalf.

This interactions simply makes him sound like a mardy arsehole!

Beaverbridge · 21/07/2024 13:30

Hes a bossy twat. You sound like super woman doing it all. Disregard him.

AppleCream · 21/07/2024 13:32

What a dick. I can't believe he seems to think you're the one in the wrong here!

Mumoftwo1316 · 21/07/2024 13:33

I think he wanted you to watch the 3 kids while he cooked for you. He didn't express himself well and was unreasonable to be grumpy afterwards when you did what he asked.

However... having 5 kids must be really hard, I'm struggling quite a lot juggling just 2. Give each other some slack. Each day is a new day.

SauvignonBlonk · 21/07/2024 13:34

Get yourself a cuppa and sit down OP. You must be exhausted with that lot going on all the time. Your P sounds like a knob.

TargetPractice11 · 21/07/2024 13:35

What the heck did he want then?

He sounds like a controlling arse.

It's not about whether you're unreasonable to want 30 of peace (you're not)

He doesn't get to dictate what you do. How dare he.

haplessharpy · 21/07/2024 13:37

It's almost impossible to reason with him. I do believe he's bossy and controlling, yes. We've recently been to see a counsellor to try to fix a few issues we've been having. I've seen this counsellor myself before, and she knows that I come from a neglectful childhood and was sexually abused as a child. I feel like she's latched on to that, because it felt like in her eyes, he can do no wrong and obviously it's me playing up because I'm damaged.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 21/07/2024 13:40

He wanted you to admire him and praise him for doing you the favour of cooking for you.

In the future be more attentive to your own needs: make sure you have eaten. He isn’t going to care for you at all.

pikkumyy77 · 21/07/2024 13:42

haplessharpy · 21/07/2024 13:37

It's almost impossible to reason with him. I do believe he's bossy and controlling, yes. We've recently been to see a counsellor to try to fix a few issues we've been having. I've seen this counsellor myself before, and she knows that I come from a neglectful childhood and was sexually abused as a child. I feel like she's latched on to that, because it felt like in her eyes, he can do no wrong and obviously it's me playing up because I'm damaged.

This is very bad. Dump her. Even if your traumatic past has affected you (probably inclining you to put up with a lot if shit treatment in order to protect your kids) that does not make him the “good” one and you the damaged one.

haplessharpy · 21/07/2024 13:45

He stropped off to bed after the argument. When I went up I didn't say anything, I was just being quiet as I tried to settle the baby. He then said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realise that cooking for you would be such an issue'. I'm confused....what are you on about? You made me do what felt like another hour of work when all I wanted to do was eat and rest. 🤷‍♀️ Why did you do that, knowing that I couldn't say no to the kids in that moment without making them think I don't care about their school work.

Cue lots of phrases like 'I know you won't see it, you never do....'
and 'this is in your head'.

It's exhausting.

OP posts:
gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 21/07/2024 13:47

He’s messing with your head love, you’ll be a lot better off without him xx

haplessharpy · 21/07/2024 13:49

I'm sorry, I'm having a brain dump on you all. 🙈

He also started an argument last week because I said no for the first time ever when he asked if he could take our toddler away with him for 4 nights to the other side of the country. I never say no when he asks to take my son away with him. They are very close and I think it's good for our little boy to travel with Daddy and visit family. DP was in flight school all week though, so our son would be hanging out with his brother. I said that I want him here as I've just had a baby and I think he needs to be near his mummy. He really gave me a hard time about that.

OP posts:
Laszlomydarling · 21/07/2024 13:49

My ex used to tell me what to do all the time. Every day. I eventually got sick of it and left. No one tells me what to do now. It's amazing being free.

4 week old baby, toddler, and he's bossing you around like a child. Sounds like a horribly toxic situation. Please consider if you want the rest of your life to be like this.

ebadame · 21/07/2024 13:50

haplessharpy · 21/07/2024 13:37

It's almost impossible to reason with him. I do believe he's bossy and controlling, yes. We've recently been to see a counsellor to try to fix a few issues we've been having. I've seen this counsellor myself before, and she knows that I come from a neglectful childhood and was sexually abused as a child. I feel like she's latched on to that, because it felt like in her eyes, he can do no wrong and obviously it's me playing up because I'm damaged.

Then she can have him.

cupcaske123 · 21/07/2024 13:57

I don't understand why you're obeying him. Are you scared of him? He's not your dad so why is he issuing you with instructions?

I'm sorry about your childhood but am wondering if you had authoritarian parents and just slot into a passive role.

You say that you rarely say no. You obviously find it hard to stand your ground. Can you get some books on assertiveness and boundaries? What about counselling to help process things?

ChopSue · 21/07/2024 14:24

Eat the bastard

STFUDonkey · 21/07/2024 14:31

5 kids! Good lord.

haplessharpy · 21/07/2024 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 21/07/2024 14:36

Find a different counsellor. If she’s favouring one of you over the other, she’s not worth the time , effort or money.
It’s possible that you will both learn to communicate more effectively , but as always it has to come both ways and meet in the middle. Needs a decent couples therapist who can be challenging and thought provoking and good at teaching effective communication, not wishy washy bilge.
He ruined a perfectly good evening over nothing, achieved nothing but agro and alienation. I hope he’s willing to put some work in.

CoffeeCup14 · 21/07/2024 14:45

Having a four-week-old baby and a toddler plus three other kids is an awful lot. It's a massive adjustment and it's exhausting. It sounds like this is a long-standing problem rather than the result of pressure from a new baby and tiredness though.

It's good that you are having counselling. Is he open to changing himself and working on things? Or is he expecting you to change? It might be heppful to find a different therapist to work with as a couple.

Could part of the problem be that you are living at different paces, and his experience of coming home from work is completely different tour experience of him coming home - he wants to see you and your children, be a family; whereas you just need a break? (Quite understandably!) If this was the case, you could make a plan that gives you half an hour of hiding away while he spends time with the children, and then you'll be refreshed and ready to talk about both your days.

I'm not saying this is the problem, but it's worth looking at all the possibilities.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/07/2024 14:46

4 weeks postpartum means you should really still be resting as much as possible, especially if you are breastfeeding or recovering from a C-section. Start taking to your bed more often.
Are the older 3 not his? I'm wondering why he would want to take the toddler away and not the older ones.
Also, you need to make sure you eat regularly. You must have been starving and possibly hangry? It does seem a bit odd to go off and water the garden just as dinner is almost ready, and you don't have to do what he or the DC say. The whole incident with the books was described quite weirdly by you..the books are sent home so that the school doesn't have to store them, sure the kids would like to you have a look at some point, but it's not really a big deal. Why would you get up early to look at them without the kids there? Surely the point is to 'ooh' and 'aah' with them present?
You seem to be putting yourself at the bottom of the priority list, but if you don't look after your own physical and mental wellbeing, and start cutting corners, this is all going to go very pear-shaped.

RonObvious · 21/07/2024 14:52

A 4 week old and a toddler? And you are listening to him rant about his day at work when he gets home? At that stage, when my husband walked through the door, he was immediately handed a child. You’ve got 5 kids now - how come he doesn’t get it?

No, YANBU. Absolutely not. Taking a time out and getting some food before the madness of the bed time routine (assuming yours are anything like mine were - and I only have 2!) is more than reasonable - it’s essential.

Conniebygaslight · 21/07/2024 14:53

He sounds like a gaslighting narcissist who tries to control you by confusing the hell out of you and you can’t do right for wrong….