To have just wanted to eat my dinner and have half an hour to myself

[haplessharpy]

Massive falling out with my partner last night and I'm not sure whether I was out of order or not.

He comes home from work around 7pm and I'm in the middle of dinner for the kids. It's been a long day and I'm running behind schedule. We have five children, one of whom is a toddler and one of whom is 4 weeks old. Our toddler is really playing up at the moment and being incredibly demanding of my time. I am certain that his new baby brother is making him feel usurped, so I'm doing my best to help him through the situation.

DP rants a bit about his day and an argument he had at work. I listen whilst pottering around fetching drinks for kids and cutting up food etc. He finally asks me how my day was and I comment that it was stressful and that I haven't eaten anything yet today. He offers to make us something whilst I bath the youngest two.

Half an hour later I come downstairs and the older three are still milling around the kitchen. He's chopping lettuce and tomatoes and chatting to the kids. I poke my head round the door and say that I'm just going to water the garden quick and I'll be ready to eat. DP says 'can you do that later?' Erm....yes. But why? You're still preparing food. I'll be done by the time you're plating up. Anyway, he insists I sit down and observe him cooking. So I do, feeling slightly pissed off that I could be doing my last job of the day but now I'm waiting and doing nothing.

Anyway. He must have noticed that I was a bit annoyed at being told what to do because he then points at the huge pile of books in the middle of the table and says 'you should read those while you wait'.

The books are my primary school children's and they were brought home for me to sit down and look through to see what they've been up to all year and how they're progressing. I had previously told the kids I'd be sitting down on Sunday morning with a coffee before anyone else gets up to have a look at their work. They seemed happy enough with this, but now they're over my shoulder wanting me to read their books right this second. I tell DP that I've already said I'll do this in the morning but he's adamant I should look now. So I got up and took the pile of books to the garden where I sat down with one of his beers and read through the kids work. They came with me, excited to show me what they'd learned and wanting me to read their creative writing and look at their maths. I'm pissed off and hungry, but I ooooh and ahhhh in all the right places and after about 45 mins the kids get tired anyway and go off to bed.

Back in the kitchen, he's got a face like thunder and my food has a fly buzzing around it. He's eaten his.

Now we've fallen out. Apparently I'm the one in the wrong but I was just so worn out and wanted to eat and relax for half an hour before bed.

You've got a 4 week old and probably tired kids at the end of term. Survival mode. Don't read too much into anything, no one is at their best and it really is just getting through hour by hour.

If you can convince DH that giving each other a bit more space and grace would help, so much the better.

It's been a long day and I'm running behind schedule.

My mind went into overdrive at that!

Well it's all very odd isn't it?

Idk-offering to make something sounds nice but doesn't seem to have been!.

Can't imagine preparing food & then not telling the other person when it was ready.

Control.

The OP said she was stressed and hadn’t eaten all day and he added one more thing for her to do that she hasn’t even planned on doing and she was late to eat dinner ….even though she hadn’t eaten all day.

The OP has five children and a controlling ass of a husband.

You need to find a new counsellor. You being abused is not a personality flaw or even part of your identity.

It was something that happened to you - which doesn’t define who you are as a person.

For your counsellor to latch onto that as being an issue means that the counsellor is failing at the job she was engaged to do.

Some counsellors are not fit for the job. She sounds horrid.

Whaaaat? Why didn't he tell you when your dinner was ready.

It was ten minutes from being ready, which is how long it would take me to water the garden. So I knew I was going to have a cold dinner when I picked up the books and went outside. He did actually shout out to me 'how spicy do you want it' and I replied 'I don't mind' because I was pissed off. He then muttered 'oh really...doesn't mind how spicy' so I thought he might sabotage my food anyway by making it too hot to enjoy.

I see. So you needed to be firmer about sticking with your plan to water the garden. Or agree to sit, watch and chat - thus being firm about sticking to your original plan for the books.

Essentially you need to assert yourself more habitually and say no to him more. If that's hard for you, or he reacts badly, those are the issues to examine.

In the meantime, you have a four week-old, a toddler and three other children! Just do what you need to do to survive! Look after yourself.

Thank you. Your last paragraph is the only advice I really need to follow in the short term I guess.

As others have suggested, I think I'll seek out another counsellor to proceed with any further sessions. Sometimes I wonder what the point is...am I just wasting my money trying to fix this all.

Not “fixing this” means living in continued pain and confusion—overwhelmed by the needs of five children and unsupported by your ass of a husband.

If I might recvomend a good book I would suggest Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD: From surviving to Thriving. You sound like a very driven, competent, person so you might benefit from a book that puts you in control.

This one's stuck in my head a bit. What strikes me is that your reaction to feeling tired, worn down and beyond making an effort is to take the path of least resistance by doing what you're told. (Then resenting doing it, or in this case encountering anger because you've taken a moody, manipulative instruction literally. I realise you didn't have much choice because he'd wound the DCs up by suggesting it).

What do I in similar situations? Focus on the DCs needs and my own. Say 'I really need to eat soon' so make that my DPs priority too.

I don't think I've ever not eaten all day through being busy with DCs. I'd eat something snacky while doing something with them, most likely while making or clearing up their lunch, or feeding the baby. Would still be desperate for a proper meal before being ready for conversation and desperate for a moment of relaxation though.

To add, obviously it's different dealing with a nice DP but I would declare my hunger as a priority and stick with that.

If would be really annoying to have to calm and distract the DCs after he'd wound them up. If that had been a 'didn't think it through' error, I'd have expected him to bring my dinner out to me when ready and tell them you'd both look at the books tomorrow.

Tbf it sounds as though he wanted to spend some time with you. I would have felt the same as you though OP.

Do you mean that you literally haven't eaten all day? That's massive self neglect. Giving in then being resentful isn't the way to handle someone controlling. I do think that you need work on your boundaries and to do some work on your childhood. You shouldn't have anything to fear from your DH, so shouldn't be using the coping strategies that you used in childhood. I'm wondering if the counsellor wants you to reflect on how you react and why, when your DH tries to change what you have decided to do. You can't fully change him, you need to assert yourself. He isn't appreciating your need for downtime and just being left alone. But you need to work on saying what you want.

A new counsellor will not “fix” anything. They are a group of unregulated snake oil sellers that will probably do more harm than good. Save your money and think of a future without this person controlling your life.

Is part of his problem that you wanted to go and do something in the garden, and he said he didn’t want you to? He suggested you do something instead that was on the kitchen table where you both were, but then you took that to the garden and stayed out there for 45 minutes, when he really didn’t want you to go for even 10 minutes?

I’m not saying he’s reasonable in all his actions, by the way, just that maybe this is how the narrative in his head goes.

You had a baby 4 weeks ago and presumably are breast feeding? You need to feed yourself as a matter of priority!

Your husband is controlling you. Has he always been like that - are you taking the path of least resistance by usually acquiescing?

Your counsellor seems useless!

I don't know what to suggest, but standing up for yourself and finding a new counsellor seems like a good start. And nail down your contraception...... I think #6 might send you over the edge...

YABU for not having eaten all day

when I had toddlers I would eat at the same time they did. Surely if you are making lunch and dinner for four children it makes sense for you to sit down and eat when they do, eat a variation of what you are giving them for lunch and early dinner. Then your husband eats separately when he gets home late? I can’t imagine not going all day without food.

Why do you do as he says? He’s not your boss. You crack on with your plans, you’d already told the dc you’d look through their books in the morning. Are you following instructions for an easy life?

I used to work with women who were victims of abusive men, it wasn't uncommon for them to have more children than usual and relatively close together. Who wanted the big family?

In your shoes I would've said to the DC I will have a quick look now but I've only got ten minutes, daddy is making dinner and I don't want it to go cold, we can look properly together tomorrow, or even dinner will be ready in ten minutes we don't have time now, who wants to help me water the garden and we can look at the books together properly in the morning.

It sounds like you both feel resentful and exhausted that you're constantly doing things, be that chores, childcare or work, but that's the reality when you have five children

He’s a prick.
But you need to look at your own decisions here too.
Did he coerce you into having 5 children?
And on a more day to day level - it’s just ridiculous not to eat all day.
No-one is too busy to eat a Mars Bar - not that I’m saying that’s the best nutritional option!
You need energy to stand up to (or leave) a prick like him, and you won’t have it if you don’t eat. It’s just martyrdom to “not have time”.

Oh OP, you poor thing.
5 children, a newborn and no food for the day?
That is shocking and an appalling lack of self care....though I can understand how it happens.
It is not good for you.
Your husband sounds like a nasty bullying selfish twat who is very controlling.
I would be very concerned for you.
You are so vulnerable to becoming ill with such huge pressure on you.
Can you reach out for support from family or friends?
That counsellor sounds like an arse.
Would you call Womens aid for a chat, it may help you see that his behaviour is not good at all.
Please mind yourself and try and eat.
Eating and keeping hydrated is a real priority for mums with newborns.

So I knew I was going to have a cold dinner when I picked up the books and went outside.

But why? Why didn't he just call out that tea was ready when he had finished cooking??

He did actually shout out to me 'how spicy do you want it' and I replied 'I don't mind' because I was pissed off. He then muttered 'oh really...doesn't mind how spicy' so I thought he might sabotage my food anyway by making it too hot to enjoy.

Really? Read that over again. Does he often sabotage your food?

The whole situation looks fucked up. He's a controlling arse.

You can do all you like to change him, but he's the one who needs to realise that he needs to change, then put in the work.

It was ten minutes from being ready, which is how long it would take me to water the garden. So I knew I was going to have a cold dinner when I picked up the books and went outside

He was cooking for you and you knew it was 10 mins from being ready, but you decided in that moment that you were going to let it go cold - and to take the books outside for 45 mins. Yes you didn’t know how long it would take - but you knew it was longer than 10 mins, you’d already decided to let the dinner go cold. I’d have called out to you, “it’s ready love” cos I’m not an arsehole - but honestly I also would have been pissed off that I had to.