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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my sisters hen weekend?

68 replies

hockeypuck · 12/04/2008 20:22

Another day, another sisters wedding thread by me (for which i apologise).

To cut a very long story short, my sister said I was too fat and ugly to be her bridesmaid, we fell out, I forgave her (without apology) and just got on with planning to go to her wedding. DD is her bridesmaid along with 3 adult friends of hers. She has asked me to do a reading, I don't want to but am doing so to keep the peace. (My thinking is that in ten years time will I care more that I did a reading I didn't want to do and kept a decent relationship with my only relative, or that I created a scene by saying no and ruined the relationship). Sorry to bore anyone who read all this in the autumn!

Anyhoo. I'm currently studying for an MSc with a view to applying for a PhD (if I get a distinction in this MSc). I have 2 part time jobs, a wonderful DH and 2 awesome DCs (age 5 and 1). I am a very very very busy lady.

The wedding is on 17th May. I have deadlines and exams on 29th April and 12th and 13th May. I don't much time to study looking after the DCs full time and working in the evenings, so if I get any child free time I need to get my nose in the books and work my ass off. It's working so far, I am on course for a good grade.

However, my sisters hen weekend is booked for 25-27th April. It will be full of her friends who I do not know at all. Knowing that I would be busy with studies and children and knowing that they are all friends and do not know me, I have opted to just go for the lunch of the hen weekend, thinking a couple of hours out from studying was manageable and still showing my face.

However, with these deadlines and all my other commitments (which for the majority of the time feel like far more than I can manage and have me in tears). I just don't think I have the time to do the lunch out thing. Her bridesmaids have changed the venue, so I would have a 3 hour drive on my own each way, with a 3 hour lunch in the middle. Meaning a minimum of 9 hours away from the books.

At this stage, with the exams so close, I just don't feel like I can justify that much time away from studying. When I do get free time I try and spend it with the DCs and they really haven't suffered from my studying because I make more of the time we do have together. I jus tthink if I spend a whole day out, then that takes time away from them as well as the next day I'd have to be in the library all day.

What I want to know really is people's opinion. Would it look really bad if I didn't go and explained all this to my sister? A straw poll seems the best way to see how people might react.

Thanks for the time!!!!

OP posts:
hertsnessex · 12/04/2008 20:25

I don't think you are being unreasonable. especially with the distance.

Chequers · 12/04/2008 20:28

Message withdrawn

EffiePerine · 12/04/2008 20:29

Don't over-explain: just say you can't make it becasue of work and childcare but that you hope she has a good time . She has no reason to make you feel bad over this.

And you will be going to the wedding in PINK SHOES - get back to your other thread!

ChocolateRockingHorse · 12/04/2008 20:31

When I first read the title (only) I thought "you are her sister! Shouldn't you be arranging it?!" but then I read the whole thread and I think you sister sounds horrible. Whether she IS horrible, or is just being horrible, for whatever reason, I don't know, but if my sister called me fat and ugly I would be far too upset and our relationship far too damaged (especially without an apology, not that you can really take that back can you!) to want to do anything much for her!

What if, heaven forbid, one of your children was visibly disabled? I imagine she wouldn't want "that" in her wedding photos would she?! Luckily they are gorgeous, so she wants them!

She is not your only relative, you have a lovely DH and DC.

Tell her her to fuck off. Or at least think it, and do what the hell suits you best.

CarGirl · 12/04/2008 20:32

Just apologise profusely and explain that the 6 hour drive is just too much with all the deadlines looming and ask for copies of photos of them having a good time (to pretend you are interested!)

wingandprayer · 12/04/2008 20:32

YANBU. Tell hr you can't go because of study but offer to take her for a special "hen lunch" or spa afternoon or similar with just the two of you, somewhere nearer, on a more convenient day. She can't say you didn't make an effort then. Well, it sounds like she could actually but ignore her

Theochris · 12/04/2008 20:33

Totally not unreasonable. You sound lovely. However I would still try to make the effort if you possibly could, for the same kind reasons you forgave your sisters unreasonable behavior over the bridesmaid thing. Family weddings can be such a pain!

Being the nicer person totally sucks sometimes, all the very best of luck with your exams

sleepycat · 12/04/2008 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocolateRockingHorse · 12/04/2008 20:36

(Sod "being the nicer person" all the time! Hockey not going to this hen do is really going to make little difference to her sister is it? Especially since the mare thinks she's so fat and ugly! Leave her to her presumably, slim and beautiful friends! It's not going to ruin anything, but it's going to be a bloody inconvenience to Hockey to go.

Nicer person often = doormat. In these circs, you really don't need to be one.)

mummabubbalova · 12/04/2008 20:36

Agree with EP - dont over explain. 3 days for a hen night . Ok if she wants it but she shouldnt expect everyone to have that time available
YANBU

WallOfSilence · 12/04/2008 20:37

I remember this! Although I have name changed since then but I recall having a FB convo with you re: a dress

YANBU!!

No way, no how!!

FourPlusOne · 12/04/2008 21:27

YANBU at all. Hen nights/dos are over rated anyway!

Trolleydolly71 · 12/04/2008 21:40

Message withdrawn

wobbegong · 12/04/2008 21:42

YANBU. God I hate hen nights. DH's brother couldn't even be arsed to come to the wedding, and we forgave him as he was very busy.

phoebebouffet · 12/04/2008 22:08

YANBU at all, I would want to print off all these supportive replies and show them to her, but you sound far nicer and I'm sure you wouldn't stoop so low. hope she doesn't give you any trouble.

Original poster
hockeypuck · 12/04/2008 22:12

Oh my gosh! I'm totally surprised to have so many supportive replies from you all, thanks so much, I have been agonising over this and you all understand - thanks

Wall of Silence - yes I remember!

and effieperine - I'll be back on my other thread as soon as I can!

OP posts:
maidamess · 12/04/2008 22:13

I wouldn't explain anything. If you start expalining she'll just come up with answers and solutions to the problems you say you have. Keep it brief, do your bit at the wedding and get your Msc!

maidamess · 12/04/2008 22:14

By expalining I meant of course, explaining (I won't be studying for a Msc.)

expatinscotland · 12/04/2008 22:15

YANBU

dizzydixies · 12/04/2008 22:18

I have just done a very similar thing. cousin getting married on 10th May and her henny was in St Anton skiing, am pregnant, can't afford it and don't have childcare so didn't go, luckily a pg complication means am not allowed to fly so perfect excuse

there is now a second one, a meal out and onto a club, also in very expensive place with same problems with childcare, dh and I work shifts so if I'm off he's at work

am also not going to that, the actual wedding weekend is costing us £300 and we've not even been yet

YANBU, you have many more valid reasons not to go than I do. I decided she wouldn't miss me at all and I think that is true of my situation. Can you maybe be involved from a distance, send them some funny stories from when she was young or a photo they could use as part of the weekend?

either that, do a cop out and say you're going and feign illness on the day - if there are that many people going it won't matter?!?

callmeovercautious · 12/04/2008 22:20

As a seasoned student I would have to say that if you could relax and enjoy the break you should go. However I suspect you are far too tense to enjoy it. I am in awe of you for the studying with 2 DC so please don't think I am being flippant.

Go with your gut instinct. Perhaps have a nice Dinner with just the 2 of you a week or so before the Wedding?

soopermum1 · 12/04/2008 22:21

i only got to the 2nd sentence sentence before i decreed YANBU.

Original poster
hockeypuck · 12/04/2008 22:26

dizzydixies - what a great idea to send a message, photo or something like that. Then she'll think I'm thinking of her.

I'll email something to her bridesmaid next week.

Thanks for rallying around girls, I feel much better already!

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 12/04/2008 22:30

my cousins sister sent round a form for all her friends to fill in so they would have loads of stories about her

I really do feel that this is the responsibility of her bridesmaid - cheeky mare on that note - but you could get the ball rolling and make sure bridesmaid notes your involvement?

wouldn't waste one more minute worrying about this and I'd like to echo the admiration for your studying with 2dc

am only trying to do an HNC and struggling

wishing you all the very best in your exams and PhD application, hope you manage to relax and enjoy the wedding too

if nothing else you can coo over your gorgeous DD!

Elephantsbreath · 13/04/2008 00:20

no no no these dates don't work for you at all. Don't go. You got too much work to do. Your sister sounds way too conceited anyhow. Silly moo.

Good luck in your msc and hats off to you for all you are achieving.