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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my sisters hen weekend?

68 replies

hockeypuck · 12/04/2008 20:22

Another day, another sisters wedding thread by me (for which i apologise).

To cut a very long story short, my sister said I was too fat and ugly to be her bridesmaid, we fell out, I forgave her (without apology) and just got on with planning to go to her wedding. DD is her bridesmaid along with 3 adult friends of hers. She has asked me to do a reading, I don't want to but am doing so to keep the peace. (My thinking is that in ten years time will I care more that I did a reading I didn't want to do and kept a decent relationship with my only relative, or that I created a scene by saying no and ruined the relationship). Sorry to bore anyone who read all this in the autumn!

Anyhoo. I'm currently studying for an MSc with a view to applying for a PhD (if I get a distinction in this MSc). I have 2 part time jobs, a wonderful DH and 2 awesome DCs (age 5 and 1). I am a very very very busy lady.

The wedding is on 17th May. I have deadlines and exams on 29th April and 12th and 13th May. I don't much time to study looking after the DCs full time and working in the evenings, so if I get any child free time I need to get my nose in the books and work my ass off. It's working so far, I am on course for a good grade.

However, my sisters hen weekend is booked for 25-27th April. It will be full of her friends who I do not know at all. Knowing that I would be busy with studies and children and knowing that they are all friends and do not know me, I have opted to just go for the lunch of the hen weekend, thinking a couple of hours out from studying was manageable and still showing my face.

However, with these deadlines and all my other commitments (which for the majority of the time feel like far more than I can manage and have me in tears). I just don't think I have the time to do the lunch out thing. Her bridesmaids have changed the venue, so I would have a 3 hour drive on my own each way, with a 3 hour lunch in the middle. Meaning a minimum of 9 hours away from the books.

At this stage, with the exams so close, I just don't feel like I can justify that much time away from studying. When I do get free time I try and spend it with the DCs and they really haven't suffered from my studying because I make more of the time we do have together. I jus tthink if I spend a whole day out, then that takes time away from them as well as the next day I'd have to be in the library all day.

What I want to know really is people's opinion. Would it look really bad if I didn't go and explained all this to my sister? A straw poll seems the best way to see how people might react.

Thanks for the time!!!!

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 13/04/2008 01:18

no, YANBU at all! Sorry, but your sister sounds horrible! Most people wouldn't even have forgiven her for a comment like that, you are far too nice!

Original poster
hockeypuck · 23/04/2008 10:56

Little update!

Phoned my sister last night and said "Is this a good time? I'm phoning to say I'm so sorry that I'm not going to be able to come to your hen weekend lunch on Saturday. I have an exam on Monday and I can't justify 5 hours or more in the car and a long lunch if I'm going to study for it".
She said "It is not 5 hours!!! Anyway, I'm not talking to you any more, you'd better phone X (the bridesmaid sorting it out) and apologise for wasting her time. Goodbye" and hung up on me before I could say a word.

I'm absolutely furious with her about this now. How dare she respond like that!!!

I then phoned my mum and explained that I wasn't going and her opinion is that I should put it before studying and go. She said the studying is just an excuse. I replied that it's not I have an exam on Monday and then ended the call before I got angry with her as well, because it's not like she has EVER looked after the children in the last 6 years, or had them for me every now and then so I can study this year.

I'm now left abolutely furious about both of their attitudes and at this present moment in time have no inclination to actually go to the wedding at all (although I obviously will and I'm just feeling like not going).

Please tell me I'm not in the wrong. I was trying to do the right thing by all my priorities and I've ended up causing a huge family situation.

OP posts:
theressomethingaboutmarie · 23/04/2008 11:11

You have the patience of a saint to put up with these vile sounding people (sorry to insult your family but they don't appear to act very "family"). You should focus on your family and your studying. Leave your self-centered sister and mum to their own devices.

tootiredtothink · 23/04/2008 11:14

You are not wrong - you are not wrong - I repeat YOU ARE NOT WRONG!!!!!

Stick to your guns, explain you were happy to go before they changed the venue. Your sister sounds a right brat!!!

Flum · 23/04/2008 11:16

I wouldn't go. Hen weekends are for the unmarrieds in my opinion.

By the way, you are married so there is NO WAY you should be a bridesmaid anyway. The clue is in the name. I would be mortified if someone asked me to be a bridesmaid now I am married with kids.

ajandjjmum · 23/04/2008 11:18

This is the first thread that I've read about this - and your sister sounds like a total cow.

If it wasn't for your dd's disappointment, I'd be tempted to withdraw her services as bridesmaid! Then she won't have the benefit of your dd as the cute little bridesmaid on her pictures!

Flum · 23/04/2008 11:19

Brides to be become so uppity around wedding time as they are nervous and in a state about it being 'perfect'. Its everyone telling them it is 'all about them, and their day and what they want'.

Well it isn't it IS all about the union that they are creating with their husband to be for life. Not one day, and one party.

She souunds somewhat childish and selfish to me.

Original poster
hockeypuck · 23/04/2008 11:20

Thanks girls.

Flum - 2 of the 3 bridesmaids she is having are married - so I guess she doesn't have a problem with marital status, just with looks but I know what you mean. If she was having no one as a bridesmaid I'd have coped with it, just that she is having 3 and not me, as someone else put it - what? 3 is ok but 4 too much quite clearly!?!

OP posts:
throckenholt · 23/04/2008 11:22

you are not wrong. You have a life that has to take precedence at that particular time. You are going to her wedding and doing something you don't want to keep her happy.

She sounds very immature. I would bite my lip, not get into arguements, go to the wedding, and wait for her to grow up a bit.

It seems odd to me that people have whole hen weekends, or weeks now - it is amazing how much time and money people have to waste on extended fun, and then complain they have debts or can't afford a house (whoops - strayed off topic a bit there ).

BigGitHamsterKillingDad · 23/04/2008 11:22

I agree stick yto your guns, your future is at stake here and you have to think of yourself in this instance, yes it will upset people but you really do not have much choice.
And good luck with the exams!

theressomethingaboutmarie · 23/04/2008 11:31

throckenholt - I totally agree. A friend of ours is having a weekend in Paris with dinner cruises on the Seine and travelling first class. Just before the hen weekends, it's her DF's 40th so she's booked an expensive restaurant in London.

I've backed out of the hen do as I just can't afford the initial £500 cost but we have to go to the 40th despite the cost

brrrrmmmm · 23/04/2008 11:32

I second throckenholt - smile serenely while going 'la la la' in your head, and ignore the whole lot of them. You sound like a saint.

What IS it with having to spend at least 500 quid to attend a wedding these days? If you go to the hen 'night' (weekend), a present, usually hotel to stay overnight - it costs a fortune!

Best of luck with your exams!

ladymariner · 23/04/2008 11:42

Oh my, she sounds such a charmer You are in no way being unreasonable, her behaviour is quite frankly disgusting and she should be ashamed of herself, as should your mother, come to that.
Stick to your guns, all this hard work will reap dividends for the people who matter ie you and your lovely dh and dc, so ignore those ridiculous comments and do what is right for you.
wishing you all the very best in your exams
xxxxx

krang · 23/04/2008 11:43

Aaaargh, I am so sick of fecking silly women behaving like idiotic spoiled children over sodding weddings! For Christ's sake, it's the getting married that matters, not how your bridesmaids look, or your hen night, or ANYTHING. (Though TBH anyone who wouldn't have a sister as a bridesmaid for being 'fat and ugly' DESERVES to have the world's biggest coldsore on 'her' day...)

Tell her to feck off and get on with your life.

meglet · 23/04/2008 11:49

YANBU. Stay in, do some coursework and see your DC's.

I cannot stand bridezillas with epic hen weekends.

pooka · 23/04/2008 11:51

YANBU.
Too right to be cross at her and your mother. Bloody outrageous.

Casserole · 23/04/2008 12:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable; and I think she's being very rude.

The only thing I wondered: was it a last minute venue change? If you've known about it a while I could understand her feeling miffed that you're pulling out so close to it. Still don't think she's being fair though.

You could always send a card saying you're sorry you've hurt her; the only reason you can't go is due to the venue change and that you will take her out for lunch at another time that suits you both instead?

I'm not saying you NEED to do this; as I've said I don't think you are being unreasonable. But from what you're saying you don't have many relatives and I can see that your family is important to you; and this might be a way to stop it escalating whilst keeping the moral high ground firmly on your side. Which, short term, you might not feel like caring about, and I can see why! But from what you've said I think longer term you would, so that might help.

HTH.

amidaiwish · 23/04/2008 12:20

you have an exam the next day, an important one.
you cannot go.
end of.
don't give it another thought!

i'm not going to my sister's hen do either, dh is away, who am i supposed to get to mind the dds all day/evening? not paying a babysitter £10/hour to look after them to hang out with her and her mates. hen nights are for friends anyway, not family!

pinkspottywellies · 23/04/2008 12:21

It's only lunch fgs! She needs to get over herself. I second the coldsore!

Good luck with your exams!

NoBiggy · 23/04/2008 12:28

YANBU, and after the phone conversation I'd be thinking hard about the wedding as well!

(Why do you suppose she wants you there, it doesn't sound as if she's even fond of you?)

Upwind · 23/04/2008 12:29

YANBU

But Casserole's suggestion is a good one.

ItsNotOnlyTheGoodBits · 23/04/2008 12:41

Your own mother says you should put a party before your exams?! Heavens above! I cannot believe that she is putting one dd's hen night above another's future. You have an exam on Monday for heavens sake! Why do some people belittle educational achievement?

I don't often post on wedding threads, but this I couldn't ignore. Look at all the support you have here - do what you need to do for your life, not your sister's

She has insulted you, and you are worried about creating a family rift? You owe her nothing.

Original poster
hockeypuck · 23/04/2008 13:01

Thanks so much for all your support. I'm glad I haven't got it wrong.

I will just show I'm the bigger person once again and go and smile and say the right things at the wedding. I may need to remember that 'la, la, la' in my head, and may need to not take full advantage of the free bar or I'll say a few other things

Feel much better now - thanks all

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 23/04/2008 13:10

Good luck in your exams!

CarGirl · 23/04/2008 13:17

you are so absolutely doing the right thing.

Perhaps you should start of the reading with.....

As my sister considers me too fat & unattractive to be a bridesmaid then I'm reading.........

I really think you should make use of the free bar and at the very least have it out with your Mother.

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