To miss my sisters hen weekend?

[hockeypuck]

Another day, another sisters wedding thread by me (for which i apologise).

To cut a very long story short, my sister said I was too fat and ugly to be her bridesmaid, we fell out, I forgave her (without apology) and just got on with planning to go to her wedding. DD is her bridesmaid along with 3 adult friends of hers. She has asked me to do a reading, I don't want to but am doing so to keep the peace. (My thinking is that in ten years time will I care more that I did a reading I didn't want to do and kept a decent relationship with my only relative, or that I created a scene by saying no and ruined the relationship). Sorry to bore anyone who read all this in the autumn!

Anyhoo. I'm currently studying for an MSc with a view to applying for a PhD (if I get a distinction in this MSc). I have 2 part time jobs, a wonderful DH and 2 awesome DCs (age 5 and 1). I am a very very very busy lady.

The wedding is on 17th May. I have deadlines and exams on 29th April and 12th and 13th May. I don't much time to study looking after the DCs full time and working in the evenings, so if I get any child free time I need to get my nose in the books and work my ass off. It's working so far, I am on course for a good grade.

However, my sisters hen weekend is booked for 25-27th April. It will be full of her friends who I do not know at all. Knowing that I would be busy with studies and children and knowing that they are all friends and do not know me, I have opted to just go for the lunch of the hen weekend, thinking a couple of hours out from studying was manageable and still showing my face.

However, with these deadlines and all my other commitments (which for the majority of the time feel like far more than I can manage and have me in tears). I just don't think I have the time to do the lunch out thing. Her bridesmaids have changed the venue, so I would have a 3 hour drive on my own each way, with a 3 hour lunch in the middle. Meaning a minimum of 9 hours away from the books.

At this stage, with the exams so close, I just don't feel like I can justify that much time away from studying. When I do get free time I try and spend it with the DCs and they really haven't suffered from my studying because I make more of the time we do have together. I jus tthink if I spend a whole day out, then that takes time away from them as well as the next day I'd have to be in the library all day.

What I want to know really is people's opinion. Would it look really bad if I didn't go and explained all this to my sister? A straw poll seems the best way to see how people might react.

Thanks for the time!!!!

Just to add that, though your sister is being silly and rude, weddings can be a lot of strain and bring out the insecure control freak in a lot of women. It might be worth sending the card Casserole suggested, not because you should, but because it might help avoid an unnecessary rift.

Your sister is being very unreasonable but everyone around her, including you own mother, will probably be telling her she is not.

Hi - can I just give a different view.

A good friend of mine recently had a hen evening, in London miles away from home. I have lots of things on at the moment(job,unemployed DH, prem baby) and am broke. It was to be held in a very swanky place and I couldn't see how I could afford it. I also thought of all the times my friend had let me down in the past (on the odd occasion etc). So I tried to get out of it, but felt so guilty, changed my mind and went along.

I was so glad that I went along - it really was a great chance to reconnect with someone who is on the brink of making a real change in their life. Yes it was a pain to get there, yes it was expensive but I genuinely will value the night we had as I know that things will change now that she is getting married (relocation etc)

All my little resentments (and hers - she felt that I hadn't been supportive enough with all my things going on,)really did fade for the night.

Also the other reason I am posting and your post did strike a chord is that coincidentally my sister refused to come to my hen night, because she was revising for some professional exams. It really did hurt at the time - although she had had plenty of notice and could have planned around it - she let her exams get in the way. Which I guess underlined for me, where she put me in her life (and still does).

I'm going to get sooo flamed for this.

I think YABU.

I think you should put your sister before a few hours of studying. At the end of the day, you are not missing an exam, you are missing a few ours study. You don't need to do it. You can do it when you get home. This is your sister.

Now, she may not be being very nice to you, but if it is her opinion that you are fat and ugly, then what can you say? If you are, then you are. I personally wouldn't exclude my sister for being fat and ugly, but if she wants to then thats her decision.

I think you sound like you expect a lot, I think you expected to be a bridesmaid, you expect your mum to babysit, you expect people to care about your studying. And I think you sound bitter that people don't do or act as you expect. I think you need to realise that people live their own lives and you must let them get on with it, and not judge their choices.

I am sorry if that all sounds a little harsh, its just the impression I have got from your posts. FWIW, I think you sound like a lovely mother, the way you describe your kids, and absoloute fair play to you with 2 jobs, 2 kids and studying.

YANBU however I would think about getting a train as then I could study on the train instead of driving if that couldn't work I would ask her if she minded me missing it.

Sorry didn't read the whole thread, her attitude towards you is disgusting I would be livid if my sister treated me in that way.

I have to strongly disagree with you DirtySexyMummy. Her sister treats her like crap yet she is expected to walk around on eggshells around her.

Whether or not Hockeypuck is "fat and ugly" is completely by the by. First of all, her sister is no doubt incredibly crass but she has completely disregarded Honeypucks feelings and was hurtful and cruel yet expects to be treated like she is the centre of the world. I wouldn't have someone like that in my life, nevermind go to her bloody hen night and wedding.

'Now, she may not be being very nice to you, but if it is her opinion that you are fat and ugly, then what can you say? If you are, then you are. I personally wouldn't exclude my sister for being fat and ugly, but if she wants to then thats her decision. '

It's an opinion she did NOT have to share with her sister, because, as you pointed out, it's her sister, and so you don't fling opinions at them which are hurtful and mean. Especially when they didn't ask for an opinion.

And wouldn't a sister care about her sister's studies and success at something that means so much to her?

I certainly care about things that are important to my sister.

In fact, if I wouldn't think twice about planning my hen party around her convenience if it were taking place around when she needed to study for her master's.

My sister got a master's whilst working as a teacher AND with two school-aged daughters.

I took that into consideration even when deciding on a time to phone her.

It was really important to her and we were all extremely proud of her achievement.

I think the OP needs to put herself and her career in advance of some dumb hen party.

It's a HEN PARTY, ffs, vs. exams for an advanced degree.

There's no way on this Earth I'd want any sister of mine to sacrifice a spare moment over what's necessary for something so trivial as a hen party if she were revising for something that meant so much to her.

That's what sisters are for, isn't it?

If it was during an exam then I would completely agree. Its not, its during time that hockeypuck wants to study.

I think its her hen night, she should do whatever she wants and not have to arrange it round others. She may well already have made arrangements to suit other people, you can never suit everyone.

She obviously likes/cares more for her 3 best friends than her sister, so who's to say she has not made plans to suit them? At the end of the day, you are not a bridesmaid, you are not one of her friends, and clearly, for whatever reason, you are not top of her list of people to 'suit'.

Great suggestion lovemygirls - Why do you not get the train and study on the way to/from the lunch?

To be honest, I think you either go to the hen party or you don't. But don't hold it against your sister for not making her plans to suit you.

because of hte OPs commitments, it's not a question of when she wants to study.

she has very limited time in which to do so.

and, sure, whilst it's the bride's right to decide when and where to have a hen party, it's also within the right of the OP to decline the invitation if she feels her other commitments are more important.

i don't see what is unreasonable about that.

she never said she was holding it against her sister, just asking if she were being unreasonable not to go.

wow - ok, to respond...

As expat rightfully says dirtysexymummy, I have never and would never hold it against her for holding it somewhere where I could not get to easily, nor for holding it the weekend before I have an exam. I didn't know my exam timetable when she told me the hen weekend dates anyway and even if I did, I wouldn't have been annoyed that she hadn't considered me. Like you say, I am not in the list of people to be considered and that is absolutely fine.

I'm fine with not going, I'm not disappointed for me, I'm sorry I have disappointed her.

As expat said I have such limited time to study it came down to a choice of:-

1. Studying all day Sunday on DS's 2nd birthday and party.
2. Studying all day this Saturday instead of spending the day at my sisters hen weekend.

Given that choice I am always going to put my children first, every time.

Expat by the way you sound like a fabulous sister

Erm, if I had known about your DS birthday party equation I would have not said that. Of course you would put that first.

I don't think it is unreasonable not to go, and given the circumstances I am not sure why you would think it might be! And to be honest, do you really think she will care if you are there or not? She doesn't sound like she likes you very much anyway.

I suggest you either go and study on the train, maybe get up extra early or stay up later that night to get more studying done as well, or just don't bother going, and spend the time studying and spending time with your DC's.

And good luck for your exams

she's not really worth getting worked up over, hockey.

seriously, would YOU consider treating your sister like that?

i wouldn't.

my sister is obese. she knows that. she doesn't need me to remind her of that.

Expat - my sister is too! not much smaller than me in fact! that's the funny thing. But hey ho!

Have had an email from my sister

"I was told that the hen weekend was only half an hours drive from you. My bridesmaid has now informed me that it is a much longer drive for you.

I am upset you are not coming but I understand that it is a long drive when you have revision to do.

Hope the revision goes well"

So, it seems that calm may be restored sooner than I thought.

YANBU at all, but your sister is extending a, albeit very small and grudging, olive branch so I think you should take the opportunity to be nice back. Weddings make people do and say stupid things and the moral high ground is always a nice position to have.

Hmmm - after that email from your sister maybe go back to a previous suggestion of sending some old photos to her bridesmaid (obviously ones where she looks really rough!) and maybe some childhood anecdotes.

I still don't see how hen/stag dos became part of the wedding. Maybe I am missing something. Just a general point, not to do with your situation in particular. Also don't understand why being 'the bride' gives a woman an excuse to behave like a right bitch to everyone around her - again a general comment.

Am still shocked at your mother's attitude though, hopefully once your sister speaks to her and explains the new venue she will be more understanding too. Still no excuse though.

Does sound like wires crossed, you sister thinking that you wouldn't spend 2 hours out of your day for her which is very different and less exhausting then 5.

Thank goodness for the olive branch.

YANBU